Am I being an unreasonable parent?

[Semaj1974]

Long story as short as possible
Been with wife over 10 years. Married 5. boy of 4 together, she has two teenagers from previous relationship.
Split couple of years ago and I moved out our 3 bed house and I've kinda bounced around places as every few months she wants me back, we try and she then changes mind.. Then wants me back as I start to move on.. Done is not the word for it so no advice needed there.

When we are together I do all the housework, drive her about, get up with toddler at 6am even though I finish work at 1am. She strolls out of bed around mid day when she isn't working. Always out with friends when she wants and I ferry her about, taking days off work.
She went away on holiday with friends and I looked after all 3 kids. I take him away on holiday on my own to give her some peace.. But never good enough and moan moan moan.

When we last split she had time to meet someone new and met up for hotel sex. In the year we had been back, hasn't gone near me once..

I work evenings, 5pm till 1am, mostly on my own. I have odd days off, rarely a weeknd off. During day I sit on my own most the time depressed as everyone else is at work. But started gym. My odd day off is the only time I can actually see friends and get a life or date etc

Last time we split she wanted me to see my boy every single weekend, every weekend I wasn't working wanted me to have him over night. Days off in the week wanted me to take him and do the 50 mile round trip to mile and then take him to school in the morning at least once a week.

I love my boy more than anything in the world, which is why I keep going back, but I also need a life.

I tried to take him with me to single parent things so he could play with other kids, but she didn't like that and said I just did it to use him to pull women 🤷‍♂️

I evernyually met someone this way and made sure 100% nothing was in front of him, but she asked him everytime I brought him back about it and worked it out. And said I wasn't allowed to do that.

She works in a school, has lots of time off and every weekend and evening.
I know parenting is hard and I know she wants breaks etc, but her older kids are old enough to look after our boy so by 7pm when he is in bed she could have made packed lunches etc for tomorrow and date someone every night.
Where I have maybe one night a week.

So... What is a reasonable thing for me to do.
If I said every other weekend 10-4 before work. Where I am moving too I prob won't be able to have him over night but I'll take him away several weeks a year on holiday until I sort something else.
I'd also take him if and when I could because it kills me not to see him...
But I also need to get on with my life, find someone new and actually see friends etc...
I know this cause massive argument if I don't bow done, take him every weekend and during week.. So just want to know what's reasonable so I can at least know what a normal person expects 🤷‍♂️

Well, she sounds appalling. And I really hope you will never go back.

However, how work was split when you were with her is irrelevant now, and ultimately (sorry to be hard after your crappy experience) you have to prioritise your son over having dates. If you were a lone parent you wouldn’t be getting any time out at all.

Every other weekend and a mid week night is a pretty reasonable expectation from her and would be good for your son. So the first question is - can you change your job or where you live to make this easier? At the very least this should be a long term goal

If it’s really not possible right now, then if I were her my expectation would be that about 2/3 of your non working nights are with your son. So yes every other weekend during the day, but also one weekend a month 2 overnights. Plus a couple of holidays as say. It sounds like midweek is not possible right now which isn’t ideal for him.

You do seem to be playing the victim card. I’m really sorry you’ve had an awful time, but you do not have to keep going back, neither do you have to take any notice when asked to stop going to single parent groups, neither do you have to back down from conflicts.

This matters because I think there is a danger that you will excuse yourself from
seeing your son enough, because you feel your marriage was unfair. None of this is his fault and it’s important you both try and parent him as best you can. A couple of breaks away a year is great - but it’s not a substitute for regular contact.

So what I would do is offer something like the above, but make a real effort to get better working hours and move closer so you can be a more regular part of his life.

I hope live improves for you.

It seems very sad that you two seem to be fighting over how you can each have your child less.

Most separated couples I know fought to have more time with the kids and are devastated to have them less than they wanted.