Just a bit lost

[ItsAllTooMuch4Lisa]

First post.

single mum with 4 children, had to leave an abusive marriage via refuge support some years ago.

trying to raise 2 with Sen and 2 teens alone. I work.

mom lost and drowning.

my Sen children are exhausting. My teens hate me.
I work and work as much as I can but can’t give my teens all they demand. My sixteen year old starts college September and she refuses to help at home since school ended and won’t work. Her rooms a mess. The house is smelling now.

I have no money and spiralling debt.

i eat once a day, toast and butter / jam or cheese sometimes if I can spare it from the children’s fridge. I only get to eat leftovers if there are any.

I have old parents who are housebound , one needs new knees and won’t go and won’t accept help from anyone but me. I have no siblings. Both have mh issues too.

I was moved to a new department at work in the pandemic. The new manager bullies me and hr do nothing as they are personal friends outside work. Two staff quit recently and another resigned, they have partners who support them and they don’t need money.

I can’t see a way forwards.
I am exhausted physically and mentally. I’m hungry. I’m lonely. I’m sad. I have never felt so alone. I don’t have friends, I know some people nearby but never more than a polite hello goodbye. Everyone is so busy with their lives.

I don’t have money to buy clothes or go out, I don’t have any help with the children. The future is grim and I am scared I can’t provide much longer as money is impossible. I’ve tried for dla for the children and it’s been 5 months and not a decision. The money will help with food and stuff they need. I’m trying to get them to special school (twins) but no places and school say no rush they will manage with more help there a bit longer.

I work and work and even in the night have to do housework and get no sleep, the twins wake me so much if I do get to sleep.

I manage to get them balanced food shopping carefully and recently a church food bank came to my door but didn’t know who told them to leave a parcel. It was embarrassing. They all have nice clothes even if second hand. My own are rags and I am ashamed how bad I look.

what can I do. How can I find strength to carry on being the best mum I can to my children ? I never cry in front of them and try to be organised clean tidy and find time
for Fun. We got for walks and I try to find free things. I have a car that will fail it’s mot next months and then I can’t get to work or take them out. Fuel price means we can only use the car for work.

I feel such a failure I never planned life like this or imagined it, we had to move five times to stay hidden but then my ex died and so moved home. I hate that I can’t give my children the life they want and deserve and
yhe oldest ones hate me for it. I’ve tried talking to them and they say they understand but they don’t. Everyone wants something from me and I have so little
to give and nothing for me. Sorry to moan and rant but can anyone understand this feeling and have ideas now I can be better and do more please. Thank you so much

I'm do sorry @ItsAllTooMuch4Lisa have you tried any agencies? I think there's something called homestart and citizens advice could help? Any way you could move jobs? Thinking of you, you've done the right thing reaching out even if just online

Yatafa21 thank you for taking time to reply. I am really limited when I can work due to the childcare I have, almost nowhere will look after Sen children and they get sick so much and have do many hospitals trips I have to use all my holiday days for those. I have looked for a different job for a long time but either I don’t have the qualifications they want or I can’t do the Hours they want. I have tried to do things like selling beauty products where I live and taken in some ironing, I look after an elderly neighbour doing her shopping and sometimes she send the children some sweets or biscuits. I just feel so rubbish as a mum that I can’t give the children more, that I’m always juggling trying to make money and scrimping to try and pay bills. My stomach is in knots day and night with it all. My children are my world but two have little interest in me due to their problems and my older
ones just hate me more and more and say I need to work more and get them more and they just want to be like friends. They seem
to blame me for the abuse and I’ve not told them it all and how bad it was, I lost everything keeping them safe and had to work to build us up again from Scratch.
I just need to earn more money, work harder and be less tired and stronger in myself. I just feel I’m dangling by my fingertips over a cliff edge and I can feel I’m slipping off. Winter is coming and I don’t know now I will keep us fed and warm and my teens want Xbox games and movie trips. I am failing them and nobody can help, I have to help myself but I don’t know how

my eldest woke my up last night wanting some clothes washed, I’d been asleep 20 minutes. Today she was home all day and sat watching tv all day, I asked why she didn’t do anything to try and help and she said “I get nothing so I’m doing nothing”. I just have nothing left to give. I sold my bed and have a mattress in the floor so I could give her money to go out with friends to celebrate end of exams. I have nothing left to sell except the phone I’m using and I need it for work schools appointments etc as no laptop etc it’s all just so hard

There's lots of help out there I'm sure. How young is your youngest, can you speak with a health visitor?

Your eldest really shouldn't be treating you like that...

It is so hard to reach out, but good on you for doing so. I know you might not feel it at the moment, but you are such a strong person to have overcome what you have to get to this point in time and you can tap into this strength now also.

So first off I would shake off any feelings of embarrassment about receiving any help at the moment (such as food parcels). Access food banks, research any available assistance either financial or physical services, don’t be stoic - let people know in RL what is going on and if you need help - if you don’t ask, you don’t get.

With access to food parcels/food banks, you need to start feeding yourself more to maintain your strength. Like on the plane, oxygen mask to yourself first, then you can help you children.

Teens are so challenging at the best of times, but what is coming through in your post is that you seem to be trying to make it up to them. I can understand why you might do this, but it obviously this can’t continue (ie you selling things to buy them other things). It is now a time to pull together as a family and they need to understand that they need their mum to be the best version of herself (or close to!) so on order for this to happen, they must pitch in.

Does your eldest teen have a part-time job? This would help financially and in terms of responsibility.

Thank
you everyone having a very challenging day and just can’t see a way forwards

I agree with the self care comments. Can empathise in that I’m also a lone parent and struggling with SEN. For the moment I’m not worrying about money as I earn well but that comes with a hellishly stressful job which often just leaves me zoned out sitting on the sofa each evening to decompress.
i prioritise good food for myself and therapy. Toast and Jam will be making you feel worse with the sugar highs and lows.

Spoke with my eldest again but they don’t care and just want what they want, they’re angry friends have so much more than them and that having gone without and having to help at home I’m now asking them to get a job. Friends have gone on holidays for summer or get allowances etc I do understand I do but their anger to me is devastating. I’ve sold a couple more things on Facebook and brought some shopping but I’m now in a panic about the next shopping we will need. It just never ends. My hair is falling out and I’ve bald patches now and I’m losing so much weight. I know nobody can help me but me but I just can’t figure this out at all.

Have you had a look to see if there is a Gingerbread group operating locally to you? They might be able to offer you support with what you are going through - there may even be someone who has been in a similar situation.
Do your twins have social services help? If they don't, I think reaching out to social services might be a good idea - please don't think social services are just going to march in take your children from you - they are there to ensure that every child gets the best they can.
Homestart is also a good option too - they can come and help with household tasks or occupying your younger children whilst you try and get some one on one time with your older children - they will assess how they can best help you. Have you applied for all the benefits you are entitled to? Check Turn2Us or entitledto Have you had your £150 refund via Council Tax (assuming you've been in your property since at least April this year)? If not, apply to your local council to get this actioned asap.
Have you spoken to your kids school about free school meals/pupil premium/assistance with uniform costs?
What about the local church that gave you the food parcel? Approach them to see what other help they may be able to offer - I've no doubt they would at least be able to help you get some new to you clothes for nothing.
What's your sickness policy at work? Do you get paid sick leave? With what you are saying re your hair etc and what's going on at work, I think no GP would have a moments thought in signing you off with stress. This could give you some much needed respite. Are you part of a union? If HR are not taking you seriously regarding the bullying, it might be time to get someone above them to advocate for you in this situation. Have you had a look for WFH jobs? I don't know how much you earn, but you could find something for similar money and this could then cut your costs re travelling to work. Google/Glassdoor could bring up some surprising results you had not previously considered - MN also have a jobs board - have look on there.
I understand the frustrations of your elder children, but unfortunately they now seem to be at an age where they can be more responsible around the house and not leave it all to you - it would be lovely if they could have the same/similar childhood as there peers, but your financial situation will just not allow it. You are not mean - just realistic. Is there someone like a grandparent or auntie/uncle who could maybe have a chat with them? I do think they need a harsh lesson in life that if they want it, they have to earn it and nothing is free (I also get it's tricky, especially with teens who think the world is against them).
I understand there was abuse from your ex - but how had things been with his family? Is there any possibility of reaching out to them? If there isn't, and there's too much bad history there, I apologise for bringing it up.
Sorry you are struggling and sorry I seem to have written a small essay, but I thought I would give you a few options to explore - do not be ashamed for asking for help. 💐💐

Oh, and also speak to Social Services regarding your parents too.
Is there any possibility of you applying for carer's allowance for helping them?
Speak to citizens advice re your debt too - it might be better for you to consolidate them rather than robbing Peter to pay Paul.

Hi op it all sounds incredibly hard, I'm similar also a lone parent to 4, my children are 19,17,15 and 8.

My lucky as my children do help out around the house, pop dinner on etc when I'm working or doing clubs etc, and my oldest 2 work ( oldest full time snd second oldest part time as studying)

I work part time and money is also tight though doesn't sound as tight as it is for you.

Please please start with some self care and take whatever help is out there for you, if work is really adding to your stress then consider leaving even if it means living on benefits for a while just to give you sometime to recoup

With regards to DLA keep pushing and chase it up and also carers allowance

I don't know your money situation but I have found some really good videos, blogs and tips on YouTube and tik tok, just search for single mum budgets uk they give some really good advice

Lastly sit your daughter down and tell her how it is for you, she is old enough to help out, pop a wash on and get herself a little job for extra money, she really do need to appreciate everything you do for her

Thank you all so very much for your support and advice- there’s a lot to Wade through and I’ve made a list when I can find some time in this next few days. I’ve seen several things I didn’t know about and some I discounted but maybe shouldn’t. At the minute I’m not feeling well and wondering if I have covid starting as so many I’ve been in contact with have it. I hope not as I have so many needing me I can’t afford to be sick again, i will test in the morning as this mornings was clear. I do feel guilty not being stronger or more positive when some people have things so much worse. I need to pull myself together I think really.

Have you applied for universal credit?

Would you be better off not working? Check the turn2us website and do a calculation. Use the food bank. Community pantry you need to eat. If you go under who is going to look after everyone else.

Do you have a claim in with the CMS. I know getting money from absent parents is a nightmare but something might come through.

Sorry I seen the Childers father has died. Sorry for my mistake