Struggling

[mackerelsandwich]

Hello, I'm a single mum of two children. Recently finalised a horrendous divorce which went through courts, years on since he left after having an affair. I've got a nice job, have a lovely family, am staying in matrimonial home but I feel low and lonely. I'm on mild dose of antidepressants, struggle with low energy/ motivation which makes everything so much harder. Their Dad isn't involved in their life, so I get no free time but dont have alot of money anyway. I did meet someone else but he had alot of issues and I know we have no future. Not sure why I'm posting, just feel like life isn't what I imagined it would be and I don't know how to change it. My family thinks this is part of healing process and it will get better. Just feel so lost in life.

I've spent a long time just coasting. My mood was flat and my energy low. It is only very recently I've managed to feel ok and been able to do more.

How old are your children. Mine are ok to be left for short spells now so I can get out to meet with friends and I have joined a ladies running group which gets me out twice a week.

Well done in getting back into dating it terrifies me.

As with everything it just takes time

Unfortunately I realise now I wasn't in a good place and being isolated during covid didn't help so when I did start to date again and ended up with a very broken man, who I am now trying to get over. So I don't think it was well done. I am going to wait until I'm in much better place before trying again. Because this has just set me back. I've had counselling since and can see why.

They are 11 and 13 so could be left for short periods of time but I feel guilty about doing it for me time

I'm sorry to hear that. I did that too when ex first left. I needed to be validated. And it was a catalogue of odd balls. So have not bothered since.

Don't feel guilty for taking time for yourself. Exercise or book club will enhance your well being and make you a better parent.

Have long has it been for you?

I just feel sometimes like I make steps forward and then go backwards.

That's exactly what I think I was doing, the rejection hit me hard and I thought I needed that external validation.

5 years now. 2 years ago he came out of the wood work saying all the things I wanted to hear. But it was all lies and manipulation. So that set me back. All over again.

It has only been this year I can say I'm ok. The ladies running group has really helped me turn a corner. Lost weight. Made some friends and exercise in fresh air. And a slot twice. Week I'm not working or mum.

I think the thing I am struggling with now is I've raised my bar. And will not tolerate any substandard man in mine and the children's lives. Not that I'm unrealistic. But it seems good men of a certain age are few and far between. And that sucks when ex seems to bounce from relationship to relationship with such ease.

That's what I need, something where I'm me. I think that's why I held on to this last relationship for so long because when I was with him I was me, not mum, not worker, no housekeeper.

I'm going to try and join a new gym, it's a bit expensive but it will hopefully give me the community that I need and time for myself. All led by an instructor so won't have to think too much.

I'm like that now, other than this man who I keep allowing back into my life. I know he's no good for me and I wouldn't tolerate it if I met him now but there's this sense of not wanting to let go because of the time I've given it.

Now the divorce is over I have more time which I need to fill somehow

Gym sounds like a great plan. I fully understand hanging on to the relationship. It's gives you some validation. And being part of a couple is what society expects. And we need companionship. I keep trying dating here and there and has always ended the same way. Men just wanting sex and objectifying. I want and deserve more then just a bunk up. And I want to give my children a good example of how relationships should look as they haven't seen that.

It maybe I'm making excuses there.

Enjoy the gym it sounds perfect, space and time just for yourself.

Hi, I agree with your mum that what you are going through is part of the process of healing and this will take a time but I hope that once the shock of the change and the “mourning of the routines and joint dreams” have passed you will see things in a more positive way, for me it was as if the sun had come out and it wasn’t long before I started noticing that there were quite a good amount of things that were not ok with my relationship that I couldn’t see until I had completed my “grieving” and could look back from a more detached point of view.

At this time things may look grim and overwhelming but I would like to reassure you things will get better. You have a supportive family and teens do need quite a bit of their own space so don’t feel guilty about having some me time, you need it to be a good parent and it helps both you and them towards the independence you will build over the next few years.

Contrary to what many people may think, I believe there are a lot of wonderful men out there but the best way to find them is too look for them when you don’t need them, when you are happy with yourself, your life and have built a good group of friends around you (it may take a while but it will happen eventually). At that time you will know, not what you don’t want (everybody knows that) but what YOU want and wish for your life and that of your kids, and just at that time will be in a better position to defend your dreams, goals, boundaries and interests rather than getting attached to someone who ultimately may not be the right person.

I raised my son single handedly for more than ten years and have found immense support in other parents who shared similar circumstances. You may find it difficult to believe but for most of us divorce was the making of us, we are now stronger, happier and more confident than we were before then, I can assure you that once you go past the dark time of adapting to change there is a very bright future for you and your children ahead of you. Until then, hang in there, take a day a time. Be kind to yourself but never allow yourself to see yourself as a victim as it disempowers you and, at this time, you need all the power in you to get through this. 💐

I'm a LP and know how tiring and depressing it can be. Finding time for gym is tough, and expensive, it's a palaver and great if you have the time to do it but also depressing if you can't find the time. I got myself a cross trainer which I try to do a few mins a day on. This has gradually increased. If it's in your home you have no excuses. Make your daily goal 1 - 2 mins only then you can't fail even when your energy is low. You will quickly build up. Yes they are large but finding space is worth it if you can manage it, you can also do it in eves watching TV etc. Exercise will make a lot of difference to mood and energy levels.

I did something similar to the above as I couldn’t afford gyms or leaving DS alone (he was very young). I got a few yoga and Pilates DVDs that came in 10-20 minute sessions and I just did thing minutes here and there when I felt stressed (and 20 minutes every day at night when I woke up in the early hours and couldn’t get back to sleep)

Never in my life I had been in better shape that back then, but the main benefit was that all that exercise helped me to relax and cope better with all the demands of the day.

Thank you all for replying. I visited the gym today, is it exactly what I need just need to work out if I can really afford it.

Feeling teary again today, I'm not even sure why.

I think I've been in such limbo for so long because of divorce and not knowing up until a month ago if I was going to move house, that now Im staying here its like, now what?

The guy I was seeing, is still messaging but not much so there are emotions around that because whilst I know he not good for me, I don't want to be rejected by him either 🤯 and I got too attached to him. I should have ended it a long time ago. There is this thing of feeling less than because I'm not in a relationship. I don't have alot of friends or money or time, so the loneliness is hard.

Sorry for moaning on

Don't be sorry. With work. Kids a d my parents I don't do much else either. Glad to hear you got the gym. Hope you can make the money work and crave out time for yourself going forward
Maybe thing with new fella will fizzle out?

As time goes in you get use to your new normal and make routines for yourself.
Did you have any counselling at the end of your divorce?

The weird thing is I spent 2 years on my own after exH left, no interest in dating at all. Then met someone when I wasn't looking and that didn't work out. Very soon after met someone else, who turned out to not be a good choice but i kept giving him chances. I want so badly to be back at the place of being happy on my own again.

I had counselling which ended day after my divorce finalised, FDR hearing. It really helped me figure out alot but I'm still not there. Need to keep on the healing journey.

I think the hardest thing is now finding who I am after all of this, which might be why I feel so lost