How do I deal with this. dd15 and her dad

[blackheartsgirl]

This is such a mess, bear with me

i have 4 dc, my first ex is great tbf but the father of my youngest two is a bit of a nightmare. I split with him 4 years ago after 13 years of abusive behaviour, violence, financial abuse and sheer laziness. He was awful to all four kids and didn’t have a great relationship with his older children from a previous relationship. I went on and married a lovely man who became a brilliant person to have around, my kids adored him and were recasted when he suddenly died last year.

my ex never sorted himself out and then all of a sudden got back with the mum of his first two children (bearing in mind he was abusive to her in thier short relationship) and this is where the problems begin. I personally don’t have a problem with his gf, she’s generally a nice person and we used to be quite good friends. However he moved in with her two weeks after they got back together and my girls have fallen apart, my eldest dd15 in particular has to share anroom with her 3 other kids from a previous and the house is a very stressful environment.

my dds have been expected to just accept that they are now one big happy family and that everyone believes her dad has changed and that he’s now apparantly he’s a brilliant dad, which he’s never been, he barely talks to her when she’s there, prefers the Xbox and my youngest dd who is 12. He and his eldest dd who is 22 called dd15 a slag because she was wearing shorts and a crop top to meet her friends in town.

last night over something that their eldest dd did which affected dd15 and I queried it with her dad I received vile messages from the dd 22 and I just don’t know how to deal with it all.

my dd15 is so angry with her dad, she’s also grieving for her stepdad who she loved and she said to me he was everything my dad was not and could never be and unfortunately she remembers a lot of the abuse towards me and herself and her siblings.

do I take a massive step back and let dd and her dad try and maintain some sort of relationship or do I step in. It’s an unusual and difficult situation but dd is adamant she wants nothing more to do with him anymore.

Bookmark

She is old enough to make her own choice and be heard. My kids were younger when they started to not want to see their dad. He did nothing with them but watch films and sleep. And they were sleeping on air beds on his bedroom floor. He was a drinker/Coke user. His moods were awful and kids got it once to often.

School were involved from a safe guarding point of view. And the kids both had independent counselling to be heard by someone impartial. I advocated with them to stop going as they wished. It wasn't great as like your ex is sounds like it's his way or no way.

Time has pasted now. Kids are older and have some sort of relationship with him now. But it is very much on their terms.

I’d just let her stop seeing him and support her as much as possible in that (eg I’d let xh think it was me if it helped her).

You could propose that he maintains contact with dd15 but with minimal overnights in the interim in to allow her time and room to adjust to the big changes.

Yes I think that’s the way forward.

he has never been proactive at maintaining or having a clue on how to interact with his kids when he was with her the first time and then with me. I encouraged him a lot and now she’s trying to do the same with him re mine.

I appreciate her efforts but I am baffled tbh. Can’t understand why she’s with him again.

Dd15 is fully aware of just how uninterested her dad actually is and the interaction she does have with him is facilitated by the gf

its shit :(