Impossible to coparent

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My ex is awful and impossible to coparent with. When we were together he was financially controlling / abusive, alcoholic, secretive, suspect he had emotional affairs, would coerce me into sex / sexual acts, would trigger my PTSD deliberately. I was very unwell when we split up (he ended things then said I'd been the one who had ended it). Since separating he completely refuses to co-parent with me. DCs are young (KS1), can't organise themselves. Equipment is not returned. Trophies / certificates from dancing etc. are hoarded by him and I never get to see them. He has secret girlfriends and doesn't tell me about them so I cannot explain to DC who they are. If I ask for a specific piece of clothing to be returned he ignores it. He emailed me to say that he doesn't check his email regularly (I am sure this is untrue! He used to be glued to his phone). But he has blocked my number so I can't send him sms messages. He refuses to tell me if he can take DC to their friends' birthday parties, so the other parents don't know numbers and DC get confused about whether they are going or not. I pass on messages from school about things but he doesn't. He talks badly about me to other parents at school. He has some relatives who are DC age who have quite severe emotional issues and they bully our DC; I have sent exH a long email outlining my concerns (younger DC was actually having nightmares about these relatives). I got no reply from ex about how he would be keeping DC safe (I am not blaming his young relatives it is not their fault, they had drug addict parents, foster care etc.). He refuses to extend even the most basic courtesy to me e.g. won't say hello at handovers or even speak to DC in front of me (which makes it weird for DC, and they already hate going to contact). Even at Christmas he just stood there glaring when I wished him merry Xmas.
He will only message me in order to scold me e.g. I DC wasn't wearing pants to weekend contact because he had had an accident when we were out and I'd only had spare shorts then I had forgotten he didn't have underwear on.
He has repeatedly called social services on me; i am not under any investigations but because of the animosity it is open to the early intervention team. They all just say my worries should be taken back to court and are looking to close the case. But i have no money left.

I am at my wit's end, I hate the idea of being in this limbo for the next 10 years or so. Please, any advice? He is just so horrible and nasty.

is there a court order?

can you get a parenting app - i suggest this would welcome court if he has contact anyhow and you arnt needing to stop it?

What is the current contact schedule?

I would read up on parallel parenting.

Don't go any where near this man

Keep your children with you

Let him take you to
Court

I would not trust him

You need to create your boundaries and stick to them. I wouldn't waste your time and energy on long emails to this narcissist. He'll never change and will be getting a kick out of winding you up. Don't react to it and he'll lose his power.

. Go grey rock as much as you can. If I was you I would tell him that he needs to keep clothes for your kids that stay at his house only and you keep clothes at yours. He can buy equipment and that can stay at his house too. If kids are invited to parties I would pass his number directly to the parent giving the invitation.

You could tell him that all communication needs to go through a parenting app that you specify unless it's an emergency and the children are I'll.

Take away his power and set your rules. You can tell him that if he speaks badly if you to others you will take the matter further.

There's not much you can do about who he sees when the kids are with him. But you can teach your kids what to do if they feel unsafe in his care.if the kids are saying they are being bullied though and are suffering emotional or physical harm you are within your rights to stop his contact to protect their welfare. He will then have to apply for contact to the court.

If he criticises you don't respond. Drain his power over you.I would also keep a diary of disclosure s of concern made by your children, in. Case you need to refer to it in future months.

Some people you just can’t Co-parent
with especially when there was abuse in the relationship.
As previous poster stated look up parallel parenting. Don’t be trying to be nice and friendly and polite and he enjoys ignoring you as he is trying to upset you. Don’t give him power over you. You be the best parent you can be and remember he won’t change who he is.

Go as low contact as you can. Email or text only. Phone calls in an emergency.

Information shared is about the kids and money only. Money through CMS will Eliminate some of that contact hopefully. Also consistent contact also brings the need for being in touch down. If pick up/drop off is at certain times/days. Everyone knows where they stand and routine is good for the children. Depending on the age of the children so they have the means to keep in touch with nrp. Through text/messaging

Ignore anything else. Do not reply straight away. Any communication is business like and take all emotion out of it. Fact only. Such as sports day is x day and time. If issues need to be addressed. Write something and sleep on it before you send it. Take control of the situation.

You also need to let some stuff go. If he is hoarding things you aren't going to make him see it's important to you and the kids for you to see or have these things. As they get older the children will take autonomy over things. Send them in clothes you are happy to stay with him. He must have stuff now so kids need to go in one outfit.

He will parent how he sees fit. For a number of different reasons my ex did a lot of poor parenting. Kids didn't brush teeth or hair. Slept on his bedroom floor. Watched films all weekend. For different reasons school raised safe guarding but the poor parenting was ok. His emotional and physical abuse (grabbing at kids and shouting). He was spoken too about. If you have concerns about their safety. Get school involved and ask for their support and guidance.

As the children get older they will likely vote with their feet. Mine did. Keep empowering them that they have a safe home with you and reinforce their own boundaries

You need to take a different approach.. You are right you can't co parent with this man....

I am assuming there is a contact order...If something falls on his day..You need to refer parent back to ex.

You need to go grey rock.. ignore the majority of things

In terms of court you can self represent.. It is extremely common these days ..

Speak to school ask to ensure you recieve a copy of communication.. its up to him to sort out his end.

Something I read a very long time ago “you cannot coparent with a fuck wit”

you can only parallel parent.

It also sounds like he is doing things on purpose to control you. This is called parental insubordination.

Let go of the need to share decisions with him, have trust in yourself and confidence

also if it’s ever a point that you need to go back to court, make sure you’re documenting certain things