How flexible are you re time with the kids?

[northerncrumpet]

I'm newly separated and we have agreed EOW and a night in the week for XH to have DS. I had to push to get that, don't think he would have bothered much otherwise...

But now he is constantly finding excuses to "drop in" during my weekends, or encouraging DS to want to go to him on my weekend instead.

So far we have both been flexible when there has been a good reason for it - one of us needing to work or a family event or whatever, and as far as possible we've re-allocated other days so he still gets as much time overall, and I thought that was working well...but this constant pushing for more is very stressful; he hasn't asked for more time "officially" and 50/50 is not an option because of past abuse (on solicitor's advice), and I just don't know whether to stand up to him or go along with it...it just feels like more control tbh.

How flexible are you please, or do you stick to the agreement rigidly? TIA.

Flexibility is valuable but stability is important for a child. They should have clarity on who they will spend time with on days ahead.

If your EX is finding himself with more availability than initially forecasted then you could, with discretion(no long term commitment), offer him an extra few hours on a week day after school and see how commuted he is.

At the same time you can inform him that ad hoc requests and drop-ins are not sustainable. Other than that it sounds like you have been accommodating which is admirable. However your flexibility should not be taken for granted.

that's what's so frustrating - I've been helpful and flexible and now my EX is pushing his luck/trying to take advantage.

I like the after school idea, I will try that if he pushed for more, funnily enough I doubt he'd have time for that...much too busy!

I just need to get used to standing up to him, it's not easy but I need to do it!

Tell him that you would like him to have regular contact with DS but that the contact needs to be more planned and less spontaneous/ad-hoc.

Plan contact a month ahead and give him options such as contact for a few hours after school or an extra overnight. Then buy a calendar and plot the contact so that DS knows ahead when he will spend time with both parents.

It's less about standing up for yourself and more about educating your ex on the best way forward for all three of you :)

So you wanted him to see ds more or not? You said you had to push to get eow and one night a week, was he wanting to see him less?

Always been very flexible. Dc is now a teen and often will say a Thurs, oh im going to dads this week if ok. Or im not going this week, im staying for 10 days in summer etc. As a rule it used to be eow.

When he was younger and did things with us (b4 he was too cool for us haha) we'd swap with notice or illness.

With dh ex its a whole other story. Shes not flexible even if we asked for 30 min later return or 15 min early to get to an appointment. She always controlled everything and messed about. Dh got a cao and now she cant fuck about.

thanks everyone - I want him to see DS as much as DS wants to see him, I just have a problem when he's suggesting to DS that he goes there on the weekends he is due to be with me...like my time with DS doesn't matter!

I like the calendar idea and I'll try and get him to plan properly ahead - I don't want to be inflexible and controlling but neither do I want my being generous taking for granted...so it's a bit of a balancing act.