I don't know whether to mention Father's Day to DS

[TheOrigRights]

He's 13, hasn't seen his Dad since last June.
The current (through Court) set up is that he lives me with with nothing in place to see his Dad. If his Dad wants to see him against DS's will then he will have to go via Court. This has been in a place for a few years.
DS did see his Dad a few times, but got increasingly upset after each visit.
It was tricky as I needed to guide him in order to give the relationship any sort of chance.
After the last visit he said he didn't want to see his Dad again and I decided he was old enough to make that decision, though I made sure he knew that it didn't have to be for ever.

The last time I mentioned his Dad was Oct, coming up for ex's Birthday. I asked if DS wanted to send his Dad a card. He got upset with me for even mentioning it.

Xmas there was no contact at all.

Ex did send DS a Birthday card this Spring.

I just don't know whether to ask DS if he wants to send his Dad a card, or just leave it.

In the last couple of years he has been very angry and upset. Not just about his Dad, but everything, though I think the rejection from his father underpins many of his feelings. In the last few months though, he's been more calm.
Obviously he's 13, which is tricky anyway.

WWYD?

I wouldn't mention it. I have a very tricky relationship with my stepmother and hate mother's Day. It's not like his dad is acting like one.

I wouldn’t poorly based on the last time you asked him he was upset that you had asked him.

His relationship with his dad is bad because his dad has rejected him? And he has neither seen nor heard from his dad in a year except for a birthday card?

Why on earth would you suggest he sends his dad a fathers day card? I can't get my head around that.

I see this all the time - this idea that the child must have a relationship with their dad. But while a good relationship with a father (figure) can be incredibly rewarding and valuable to a child, a bad relationship where the child i made to feel responsible or guilty for building/developing it is not valuable at all.

He is a child so it really isn't up to HIM to maintain the relationship with his father. Please think about what you are telling him - that his dad can behave as badly as he likes, ignore his child and yet the child should still tell him he's great? Bollocks.

I didn't suggest he send his Dad a Birthday card, I asked him if he wanted to.
I didn't say I was wondering whether to suggest DS send his Dad a Father's Day card, I was asking for advice on whether I should mention it.

He is a child - exactly. You obviously have much more experience than I do ("I see this all the time") so perhaps you have some advice on how to manage things?
Children are told that it's OK to have mixed feelings; that even though someone has treated them badly, they feel they still love them.

Using these key dates gives people a reason to contact someone.

I have an adult son who has his own relationship with his Dad. I keep out of it.
It has been my hope that DS2 would in time also have an adult relationship with his Dad as well.

I did not say I thought my son should tell his Dad he's great - I'm not sure how you got to that from my post. You sound a bit aggressive actually.

I think the obvious answer here would be not to mention it. At 13 presumably your son is aware fathers days coming up, he’ll bring it up himself if he wants to

@TheOrigRights

I agree with other posters that you shouldn't bring up Father's Day with your younger son (or the older one either, who's managing his own relationship).

You say this:

In the last couple of years he has been very angry and upset. Not just about his Dad, but everything, though I think the rejection from his father underpins many of his feelings.

Do you think a few sessions of 1:1 counselling would benefit your younger son to help him clarify what's causing these negative emotions and help him deal with them? 🌹

Thank you. Yes, he must be aware. And it's probably bringing sad thoughts to his mind.

Thank you. He has had lots of support and is currently seeing an Elsa at school once a week.

I wouldn't mention it. It probably provoked more difficult feelings for DS than his father's birthday- given it's a day to celebrate the father-child relationship.
ITs difficult. I feel for you both.

I agree, at 13 he will ask if he wants to do something.

I did not say I thought my son should tell his Dad he's great - I'm not sure how you got to that from my post. You sound a bit aggressive actually.

I didn't mean to be aggressive, so I'm sorry about that. But, by definition, fathers day is a day when children make a fuss of their fathers, and tell them they love them/their dads are great etc. I mean, if you could buy a card that said, "On fathers day, I accept you're my dad but would love it if you were a bit nicer to me" then sure, perhaps my assumption would be wrong!

If anything, I'd say to him that you know it's fathers day coming up and that's probably bringing up some feelings but he doesn't need to acknowledge it or do anything and that's okay. Validate the fact that it's very unlikely he wants to do anything.

There is a tendency to think that we should work really hard to maintain the relationship between the child and the dad. And while I completely understand that instinct, I also believe that maintaining a relationship that only exists because the mother and child work at it is not helping the child long term. And yes, I'm speaking from experience in the context of both a close friend and a family member (and probably too much mums net)

I think it’s bizarre that everyone’s saying don’t mention it as if not talking about the problem will make him feel better. I would say something but more to check he’s feeling ok about it.He’s not going to be sending cards but he might be feeling a bit crappy so it’s a sensible time to check in and let him know you’re there if he needs you.

Leave it Op. ♥️

I think it's more a case of mentioning it will spark upset when he may well be handling it well himself.
We do generally talk together very well. He knows he can talk to me about anything. It's tricky though. As the adult is it for me to instigate a discussion if he's finding it hard to articulate how he's feeling?

Thanks all, I have decided to leave it.
We will do something lovely together on Sunday cos I am Mum AND Dad.

Except he woke me when I was trying to sleep in to ask me how to make pizza dough. Told him to look it up. Went back to sleep, and then he woke me up again 20 mins later with another questions.
I'm upset and tired.
And pissed off. I have no Dad and his is a twat. I shall stay off SM.

He tells me that my life will be full of joy and happiness when I eat his pizza.

I shall go for a long run, do chores, some studying for the short course I'm doing (in all the spare time I have LOL) then do my stint for a charity run my running club is doing.

I hope the children of some of you reading this have better fathers in their lives.