Ex already breaking newly approved court order

[Nearlyalldone]

Long time lurker here, but I need your advice now. Please help x

Recently had a final hearing where ex and I agreed the terms of our court order and the judge simply signed it off. I have a ‘lives with’ order and he has the kids every other weekend plus an evening (no overnight) one day after school every week.

The ex threatened to take me back to court the very next day following the hearing to increase his access. He’s today just told the kids that he’s going to their school this week to watch them in 2 separate school events that are not on his assigned days with them. He hasn’t discussed this with me.

The ink has barely dried on the court order and it’s obvious that he has no intention of sticking to it. Can I go back to the judge (via my solicitor) and request a ‘barring order’ to prevent him from taking me back to court at this stage? He didn’t stick to the previous interim order very well either and he got a ‘slapped wrist’ for it at the final hearing so the judge is aware of his errant behaviour(!).

Thanks!

I don’t really understand what the problem is with him going to the school to watch events?? Surely that’s a good thing and in the interests of the DC? Wouldn’t you want to go too??

I think you would look like a vexatious litigant if you took that to court sorry. And it would upset your kids. Also the longer you have the status quo the more likely it is to stay that way. I’d leave it

Thanks for your message.

The issue is that he hadn’t even discussed going to the school events with me in advance. I only know planning to go because I overheard him saying to the children that he was going to be seeing them this week on the days that are not his. I’ll also be there and it will be very stressful/awkward (there’s a history of domestic abuse - he assaulted me and the police were involved).

Also don’t understand how him going to school to watch events is breaking the order? Do you mean he intends to take the kids home on those days (which are your days), if so I then understand. If he is simply turning up, watching the event and leaving then I’m lost as that wouldn’t breach the order and would be in the best interest of the kids (having a parent who is engaged with what they are doing).

It isn't breaking the order to go to school events, he's watching, not taking extra time. I understand with the history why it's upsetting you, but this isn't something I'd be showing bothers me. He looks and is being an involved dad, and you look like you're being unreasonable. I'm not saying you are, but that's the way it could be perceived. Go to the school event, smile at the kids, and ignore that he's there

Cross-posted. I don’t think you will get anywhere with any judge making him check with you before he attends childrens events in a public setting such as a school. Most divorced people have that issue, particularly when re-partners and they turn up to the kids events as a couple, but they just have to deal with it as adults.

I hope this might help: sns-self-help-guide.net/

Thank you all for the fresh perspective.

Perhaps I’ve been thinking of the court order too literally (ie that he shouldn’t have any in-person contact whatsoever with the children on ‘my’ days with them unless it is agreed with me in advance).

I’m new to this, but if the roles were reversed, I would stay away from the children on the days that are not mine. For instance, school discos usually take place on Fridays and I would not go to the event if that Friday fell on my ex’s alternate weekend with the kids.

No, he is allowed to attend school events, parents evenings etc. In much the same way that any random relatives like grand parents, aunties and uncles would be allowed to attend even though they don't have parental responsibility.

He's perfectly entitled to go to school events and why on Earth would you avoid them if don't fall in your time? You don't have to go together. You are taking the court order literally. The court would not look kindly on you going back over school events. I mean there's plenty of room for him to screw up going forward but this isn't one of those occasions.

Ok thanks everyone.

I think I was particularly rattled in the context that he didn’t stick to the previous court order (numerous ‘actual’ breaches) and he threatened to take me back to court for more access literally the next day after we had both agreed to the final hearing court order. It’s not so much his attendance at the school events, it’s the fact that he didn’t talk to me about it first. I wouldn’t have even known he was planning to go if I hadn’t accidentally overheard his conversation with the kids because my daughter had left the living room door open.

Why is he in your home? Drop off at the door collect from the door sent your boundaries

With the school event do you have friends you can stick close too?

But he's not having in person contact. He's watching the event and leaving without the children in tow.

I have a similar court order with my ex. A couple of Sundays ago, on his weekend, my son was invited to a scout event. I'm a leader at the scout section so was helping out. My son came to see me, I greeted him and then sent him off to continue spending time with his dad. There was no communication between me and his dad, there was no need for any.

It's good for your children to see him being involved in their lives, as it is seeing you being involved too.

He was at the front door with the kids, I was in the living room. My daughter came to the living room to say ‘hello’ to me and then went back to the doorway to say ‘goodbye’ to her father. She left the living room door open which allowed me to accidentally hear the conversation.

Yes, I have a group of school mums that I socialise with. I’ll try and reign them in from giving him hell (he’s been horrible to both me and the children over the past couple of years…)

He doesn't need to talk to you about attending school events. As their parent he has as much right to attend as you do.

The court order is about who looks after the children I which days. Not who can attend school events.

Please, check the book When Dad Hurts Mom - by Lundy Bancroft. I think it will help you.

it’s the fact that he didn’t talk to me about it first.

He doesn’t need to though, there is no obligation for him to do so at any point whether it is ‘his day’, or ‘your day’. Just as you are free to go to any of their events on his days if you would like, no discussion with him is required.

He sounds like a nasty piece of shit, so I’m not surprised you’re a bit rattled.

He sounds like a shit but you can't stop him going to stuff at school. He's probably only doing it to try and get a rise out of you so if you can try not to react, then he will probably stop.

Let's face it, violent men aren't good fathers.

Wow, well it's a good job I read your second post, there's obviously a lot of trauma here, hence your response.
It would be completely normal and acceptable for him to attend all and any school events for parents, and you would seem controlling if you even tried to stop it.
Because of the history of domestic violence though, I wonder if you can speak with school (presumably they are aware?) for any events that may involve sharing the same physical space. Are you going to run parents evenings separately for example?

Excellent example of how parents can attend school events with the non-designated caregiver on that day conducting themselves gracefully and not loitering like a child magnet.

So it sounds like your ex didn’t like the court order, and so now he’s going to consider himself above the law and do as he wishes… To try to also position use the one who is doing parental alienation.

What he is doing is trying to control via parenting insubordination.

Speak to your attorney, however this is a control mechanism on your exes behalf.

Also the Family Court in the UK revamped a couple of years ago to take into consideration all forms of domestic violence, including psychological and emotional.

from what I’m reading, more than likely you were a victim of psychological and emotional abuse, you have the right to be protected.

You also have the right for your ex to follow the court order and not to show up on your days

What about something like a leavers assembly?

You would stay away on your days off because you would respect the children’s time with the other parent.

Your ex refuses to respect your time with the children.

And at least from my perspective and experience, this is controlling behavior. And he’s doing it to bait you into a false argument that you are going to alienate him from the children

you really may want to go back and talk to your attorney about this. You cannot live years of your life like this.

Your ex has PR and is as entitled to attend school events as you are. I suspect, as you recognise, your disquiet about this is a trauma response. He's not doing anything wrong though I'm afraid, however uncomfortable that is for you. On the plus side, means you can attend any school events which fall on his days.