Did I say something wrong?

[BiscoffSundae]

I’m on another single parents group and I posted yesterday about feeling sad that I never got to experience being a mum in a good relationship and bringing up children as a single parent and I feel sad that being a single mum is the only experience I will have of being a mum (obviously fine if you are a single mum by choice but I am not) I feel sad that I will now likely never get married or live with anyone or raise children as a loving couple, my ex was abusive and a nasty piece of work so that’s the only experience I have. I feel sad now I will most likely never get married or have another child in a good relationship (not even sure I want another child but I still feel sad about it) my last pregnancy I went through it totally alone (ex left me when I was pregnant) I even gave birth alone I was the only woman on the ward on my own, I felt so embarrassed and humiliated. But I got loads of comments basically saying I am being ridiculous for feeling this way, I get that people are defensive but I didn’t say it as a bad thing to single parents but I would have liked the experience of raising a child in a good relationship. Am I on my own or does anyone else feel sad they will never experience that now?

It's a long time ago now, @BiscoffSundae , but I felt the same sadness when my husband left just after our 3rd child was born - he'd found someone he liked better.

To me, the 'optimum' child-raising household is 2 loving parents who support each other and are a team in raising their children.

A lone parent is having a harder time of it themselves, and cannot 'model' a good adult relationship because they're not in one. Nothing they can do about that, and they can absolutely raise their children well - but that doesn't make it 'optimum' and that's the sadness. As well as the potential loneliness of the single parent, too.

But as you discovered, it's not considered OK to voice this opinion 🙄

I'm in the same situation OP. I don't think you said anything wrong, you know how you feel.

My ex changed as soon as I was pregnant and I went through my only pregnancy being made to feel that I was an expensive drain on his resources, that I would owe him forever for having a child (I didn't force him to have ds), and I feel sad that I was never allowed to feel excitement or that my pregnancy was anything to be proud of.

But it's a long time ago, and I suppose compared to people who struggle to conceive, I am lucky. I have a lovely son and I've come out the other side.

People see things in different ways.

Well you might meet someone and have the life you would like? It does happen
My kids have a lovely stepdad!
It's all about choices and intention isn't it? Some of my single parent friends like being single and some don't
Each to their own, if you want different things doesn't make you or them wrong just different

Thanks both, yes I clearly touched a nerve which wasn’t intended, I also got the usual “it’s never too late, never say never” but I am in my 30s so well aware that I don’t have endless time and not even sure if I want more children anyway it was more mourning the loss of raising children in a good strong positive relationship.

Time it’s not endless I am in my 30s now by the time I met someone it would be too late for other children I am not getting any younger unfortunately…

I completely understand this. I was raised in a very toxic environment with my mum bringing new men home every week. This made it hard for me to form healthy and stable relationships. I'm in a 7 year "situationship" and we will never live together or be a family unit. I already had a baby at 17 to a 15 year old so he obviously left straight away. I would love to experience the full on family life one day but I don't think it'll ever happen. I get so jealous of those with the perfect family life, living together and showing off how proud they are. Sounds selfish but it breaks me every time

I have been a single mum of 4 for 10 years. I love being a single mum and find it much easier than putting up with my abusive ex. However I completely get what you are saying, I often wish i had experienced pregnancy and childbirth with a loving, supportive partner rather than someone who treated me appallingly and gave me severe mental health issues. I wonder what it would be like to have enjoyed pregnancy and not had antenatal and postnatal depression. I often curse myself for lumbering my children with the pathetic excuse of a father that they have.

I can relate to that, my upbringing wasn’t good my mum was a lone parent to 6 (3 different fathers and not one of them involved) life was tough and whilst she wasn’t a bad mum it was clearly too much bringing up 6 kids alone She never had any money, we never went anywhere, never had anything nice other than the very basics no 1:1 time ever. Would have liked to experience raising kids as part of a couple I don’t think many people plan to be a single parent it’s just how life turns out sometimes but surely you are allowed to feel sad about it

Yes my ex was the same he was awful so whilst I’m not sad I’m not with him it’s more than I didn’t get a positive experience and I feel down all the happy couples I know sharing it with someone whilst I went through it alone.

You didn't say anything wrong, just probably touched a nerve of those who are feeling the same way, but can't/won't admit it even to themselves.

My parents have been married 45 years this year, together 50 years. Yes they've had their ups and downs, but they're a really solid unit for me and my siblings.

I managed to get together with a man who had siblings from both his mum and dad, who were never married, and had overlapping relationships all over the place. In settling down with me, I thought he was seeking what he never had. Instead all he brought me was a lack of commitment, emotional abuse and 2 DC. So I left him, and haven't looked back.

I feel desperately sad that my DC won't grow up with their parents living together and bringing them up together as a family unit. While I could meet someone new, my DC will still be operating on a contact schedule at least until they are 18, and I do feel upset and guilty about that, particularly as it was me who left their DF.