Should I be more grateful for what I get?

[Solo234]

Recently been feeling overwhelmed and just never really like I get a break.My lb goes to his grans on a Monday for 4 hours but that is the only consistent time off I get. I can ask my own Mum to watch him if I had something on but that wouldn’t be a regular thing as she does have a busy social life herself. I looked into nursery recently but just can’t afford it. My lb Dad has bad mental health so can’t see him on his own so he isn’t an option for childcare.

Is it wrong that I want more of a break than I get on the Monday? I used to have they 4 hours to really clean and tidy up but I have PTSD and see a therapist now on that day which I enjoy and don’t want to give up. But yeah just never have any time to myself I do have nights but would be nice to get a good sleep now and again.

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much and I feel guilty for wanting a night or a few more hours off.

You're not wrong however he's your child you can't expect everyone else to offer babysit. I haven't had a break in 4 years! It's just one of those things unfortunately.

Yeah I understand, 4 years without a break must be extremely hard take my hat off to you! I have read other threads where people have said similar to you and I couldn’t imagine getting nothing at all so yeah probably should just be grateful that I get the 4 hours and odd night with my friends. Will just need to plough on until he is in nursery

You can’t expect people to babysit, but frankly, as a single mother who’s not had a single night or even days off (working full time doesn’t bloody count, it’s not a leisure activity), for 6 years, if any of my daughters are lone parents, I will be offering to do so regularly.

Not a chance in Hell will I let mine get as burnt out/mentally unwell as I did due to severe lack of sleep, inability to perform even basic self care like shower more than once a week or eat a decent meal.

I totally get how tough it is, and at the same time your mum is having your little one for 4 hours every Monday- that's great that's she's doing this consistently. This time won't last forever. They will soon be getting free childcare hours and then you will have a lot more free time during the day.

@RedPlumbob Honestly I don’t know how you haven’t had a mental breakdown I do feel grateful that I get they 4 hours when I hear from people like you who haven’t had a break at all. Oh thought it was only me who actually never ate a proper meal I never find the time making the 3 meals for my lb and yeah showering is always a task too. Good to hear from other Mums who just get on with it probably what I needed to hear but yeah I second if anyone ever needs a break I will definitely be the first to offer as realise how hard it is!

@milkysmum Yeah it is hard but suppose I had to hear from other Mums today like me! So it’s like my ex MIL who takes him on a Monday but yeah really do rely on they 4 hours. I think it’s easy to see other Mums around you or on social media and being alone you just see the Dad helping or lo’s in nursery and when your feeling overwhelmed you feel down. But definitely aren’t little forever and my lb should be able to go when he’s 2 so another year which in the grand scheme of there full life isn’t a lot!

I did 🥴 I’m still under a Psych now (PTSD, ADHD, plus others). My elder 2 have regular contact with their Dad, who’s great, but my youngest is from an abusive marriage and thankfully, he isn’t allowed anywhere near us.

My family could have helped, they chose not to. Even when I was underweight and my hair was falling out.

As a result I have very little relationship with any of them now, and over my dead body would anything even close to that happen to my own DDs.

I had to leave my area/my job, and was on Income Support, start all over again. Went to college 2.5 days a week, when youngest was 1, then Uni (STEM so a full 9-5 Mon-Fri timetable) and now work full time.

It saved my sanity as it meant I had adult interaction, also the correct medications helped. Not much therapy available for multiple, sustained trauma. EMDR not suitable.

My youngest didn’t sleep for more than 1-2 hours at a time till she was 18 months old, when she slept 3-4 hours until she was about 3.5, and finally slept a solid 8 hours. (Medical issues after a month in NICU with sepsis). I spent many a night wondering if I would die from exhaustion, and spent the weekends when it was just me and her, sleeping whenever she did during the day.

@RedPlumbob Oh sorry to hear all that happened to you! That must have been so difficult that none of your family would help and totally understandable why you don’t have much contact. I don’t understand that at all if they seen you struggling so much why not help it’s crazy to me!

And having to start all over again also must have so hard but amazing you managed college and Uni and now full time work should be proud of you!!. I think my mental health has set me back so much my previous partner took his own life but there was alot more that happened in the year and a half leading up and before all of these events happened my career was quite successful. I think now it just feels so out of touch like I wouldn’t mind going back and doing a job but the ambition I had before just seems to be gone. This therapist does seem to be making sense and helping though.

Also the no sleep is a killer my lb has had awful silent reflux since birth and has intolerances to dairy and wheat and is allergic to tomatoes also random foods can just set him off and that’s felt lonely to deal with as you feel like if another person was here you could talk to them about it.

Also he did start sleeping through for a week or two but that went out the window months ago so I do the same when he naps I get an hour probably the broken sleep making me feel overwhelmed.

And adult interaction is probably something I need more of to save my sanity too as most days it is just me and my lb so probably not helping either!!

I’m another that hasn’t had a break in 5 years. I don’t think you are wrong for wanting a night off, I often fantasies about weekends to myself (or even a week 😩) and never really understand threads on here from mums who don’t want their ex to have the child as they want to be with them every single day, I would kill for regular weekends to myself! But not going to happen so just have to get on with it.

It is extremely difficult and very isolating, especially when they're so little you can't leave them for a second!....Mine is now almost 4 and I'm just starting to carve out some me time, the lock downs starting at 18 months really screwed me over!

Some suggestions I've found have helped me....
Stick them in the pushchair and head for a walk, fresh air and exercise is excellent for mental health...they will also enjoy looking around and being outside with out you having to constantly engage with them which can be exhausting
Shower when they're in the bath (obviously you can't have the shower too hot), 2 jobs done at the same time :)
If she's in the bath I fold the washing while sitting beside her (if I'm not in the shower, lol)
Activities for them to do in their highchair while you do some jobs, I found some poster paint in sandwich bags kept mine entertained for a while.
You could try bulk cooking while they nap and then have food on hand for the evening meal
A slow cooker is also a good tool for bunging stuff in in the morning and something being ready for the evening
I also had stern words with myself over the house being tidy etc, i realised that no one was really coming into the house so did it matter if it skipped a hoover or dust...instead give myself an hour in the evening to chill and watch the TV

So although it can't give you that 100% break your craving there will be mechanisms to carve out some me time...I promise it does get easier as their attention span starts to increase and they do more self involved activities.

@BiscoffSundae God I don’t know how you survive but yeah reading form people that don’t get a break is kind of pushed me in to the mindset to just get on with it. And I have just came on here so haven’t seen any threads where Mums say that but honestly would infuriate me too lol. I wish his Dad was stable enough to take him but sadly just not the case!

Sadly it's just how it is but sleep will improve and you can then do things in the evening even if it's shower alone school will be along before you know it and then you will have work and grown up company galore

hi OP I think there's a charity called HomeStart there to give parents of young kids a break where they possibly can if they are struggling. I think it's free of charge. Might be worth contacting them to see what they can do?

i totally empathise, as a LP also, in a similar situation but no family nearby - was hell until my little one went to school to be honest.

Not sure how far off that you are but it will get easier in time.

Oh yes I think it’s the doing everything on your own I mean I’ve never known any different but just even tonight getting him ready for his bed went to get milk and he was having a meltdown because I didn’t stay sitting down with him. It’s definitely hard being one person and doing everything so well done to us all lol!

Thanks so much for the suggestions especially like the high chair activity ideas will get looking tonight see what I can come up with. Never done paint with him before but I think that will maybe help doing some different activities because every day is feeling like Groundhog Day just now and even soft play and the park are getting repetitive!

Thank you for the other ideas too, cooking has been stressful as he’s been intolerant to so many foods so finding what he can eat and doesn’t react to has been a chore and definitely makes life harder because he can’t eat what I eat but I’ll see if there’s anything I can slow cook for him as that also is less time consuming.

Appreciate the advice x

That sounds really tough. If you're on certain benefits, you can get 2 year old funding for them to go to a childminder or nursery. Can you contact your local council (sometimes called Family information services or similar) and see? That would certainly help.

Also if you're not quite brave enough for painting, you can put paper and splashes of pain in a big ziplock bag and let them squelsh it - Pinterest is your friend.

I think its pretty par for the course. Young children never let up and even married women, especially as they work often, end up exhausted.

Maybe get a job and get 15 hours free nursery? Maybe a childminder for your other working hours.

trust me there is loadddds there is currently one “dreading not being with my child” in divorce section Mum does not want to ever have a night away from her child who is 6 years (not months) so not a baby which maybe is understandable 😬 I would pay for someone to take mine away for the night 🤣 some people don’t realise how lucky they are to get nights off something a lot of us will never get

@cottagegardenflower Yeah I’m understanding that now talking to everyone else! I looked in to going back to work but wouldn’t get funded childcare until he is two. If I went back to working before this I’d spend £40 a day on nursery which would defeat the purpose really and I worked out the maths and I would be worse off. But yes when he’s two that will be the plan as he should get a place then I have been told!

@YetAnotherWalk Thank you for your suggestions he should get a place when he is two so that will definitely make the difference to get some independence and maybe a bit of interaction adult wise back even if it is just going to work! I only have a year to go so in the grand scheme of things not long.

Oh that sounds fab I will get on Pinterest and have a nosey!! I think it is the planning and doing something different with our days

@catpoppet Yes I have had them suggested before my mum said about them actually I just never really enquired! I think I’m feeling it more because the 4 hours I had before I could get in the house and it was like my cleaning day but now two hours of that is seeing this therapist.

Good to know that it’s not just me who finds it hard I think it is easy to look at others and think they have it all together. This thread has been helpful today.

And he has just turned 1 and should go to nursery at 2 so not too long.

My eldest is 22 looking back I've not really had "time off" in 22 years 😳 she has a different dad to the others too! I have a knack for picking useless men to father my children clearly 🤦‍♀️ eventually you develop a sense of humour currently not laughing trying to get my 9 year old to sleep he is not tired IM TIRED he is not 😵‍💫

You can get funding for nursery through universal credit,
UC will pay up to 85% of childcare fees(max £646.35) a month.
maybe you could find a part time job to get some hours of adult time. You will still get UC but at a different rate.
eg my take home is £1500 and i get £900 UC

being a lone parent is so hard, you’re filled with so much love for your tiny human but definitely need that break!

@Danikm151 Can you get this before they are 2? I didn’t think there was any funding for childcare under 2 from what I read maybe missed it though?

Its definitely a rollercoaster of emotion but feel better today and 100% need to get the break time feel like it’s essential to stay sane lol

My childcare bill for the first year of Uni was £2400 a month. Two in wrap around care, a toddler in daycare. Student Finance paid 85% via a Childcare Grant, and my Uni has a pot of money for covering the rest. Even if it had been part of the loan package, I’d still have done it.

It dropped to £1800 a month after a year when my eldest went to secondary (and that was a whole other problem as she’s August born so a very young Y7!) and dropped again to £800 when my middle child went to secondary.

UC pay 85% for any age child, provided you’re working. But it can be a fucker to claim as daycares always want paying upfront for a month, despite the fact that everyone gets paid wages and UC in arrears. That’s the stumbling block for a lot of women.

But do ask around, because in my first year of Uni, CCG was paid TERMLY IN ARREARS (it isn’t now, it’s weekly in arrears, and done online, processed immediately, rather than via paperwork that takes 6 weeks minimum to process!), and both childcare providers I used were surprisingly okay with this, as they’d had a lot of student parents before.

I mostly miss things like - uninterrupted baths, long showers, reading a book! My 6YO still doesn’t sleep well, I have to lie with her till she’s asleep, which takes a chunk out of my evenings.

It does get easier though, I promise.

The hacks that worked for me when I was a lone parent to my eldest two, who were 3YO and 6 months when ExH left for OW, did not work as a lone parent to 7YO, 5YO and newborn.

Especially as youngest had GERD, dairy allergy, and lingering issues due to the sepsis. She was syringe fed until 12 weeks due to the constant projectile vomiting when fed via bottle (spent a fortune on different ones) and she could not breastfeed at all, even after her tongue tie was sorted. How she avoided Failure To Thrive I don’t know.

She had to be upright 24/7, and luckily I had a friend who was a dab hand with woven wraps and spent hours and hours showing me how to wrap her safely on my back so I could have my hands free to make dinner, bath my eldest kids - she wouldn’t tolerate being in the baby bouncer seat, she HAD to be touching me.

I spent countless nights sat upright in bed with her asleep on my chest, with nobody to tag in so I could sleep.

@Solo234 yes, I've been using it since my son was 10 months old.
You do have to pay upfront and then it's paid in arrears(provide receipt/invoice from nursery)
If you are returning to work from being unemployed, there is a discretionary fund towards the first months fees available. Ask in your journal.