Anyone had/has a child who lives primarily with Dad?

[OnTheGoAlways]

I posted this in AIBU but this might be the better place for it.

have posted a few times recently, last time was in the parenting thread regarding my sons behaviour (he hit and punched teachers), I'm in crisis.

I have 2 sons, DS1 is 11 and DS2 is 7. I was with DS1 Father for 7 years and DS2 for 4 years...both cheated. I have been on my own for 5 years.

DS1 is doing great, DS2 has had regulation and behaviour issues since he was in nursery, he also tics and has done for 4 years. The nursery suggested he may have ASD, took DS2 to GP twice, both times it was brushed off. We're many sticker charts and rewards and coloured sheets down the line, DS2 is on the neuro-developmental CAHMS waiting list, has been nearly excluded 3 times, one bought of isolation from the rest of the school and HT, GPs and CAHMS clinician belive autism to be at the root. We live rurally, I work FT and after school club told me they no longer can look after DS2 for any more than 1 hour as they don't have the staff for the support he needs. This is on top of my grandmother almost dying then needing a life changing op, having to sell her house, my LL telling me she's looking into selling and cost of living. I broke down at the school yesterday and after seeing GP have been signed off.

DS2 Dad and I do not get along at all. He doesn't belive there is anything wrong with DS, and that the root of the problem is that I work and the school is bad. He wants DS to live with him, says he won't have to attend ASC and has a bigger support network (this is true). He has a gf, but when I phoned to ask about some more support during summer (as I can't imagine DS will get on well on summer camp now), she shouted at me that they won't provide free childcare, and to go and spend time with DS. Ex has said many times that DS should live with him, and at one point set up a school visit, although he never had permission for this.

I don't know what to do. I'm going to lose my job. I could cut my hours but we are already living on a knife edge, I already eat weetabix for dinner some nights. I can't imagine I could get a mortgage if I earned any less, and I was applying for more senior roles before this crisis. But the thought of only seeing DS at weekends kills me. And then I have my other son to think of too.

If DS moved what would I need to consider? I feel like such a failure.

Does it have to be that he lives with his Dad or lives with you? Do your work hours mean that it’s possible for you to share custody in a 50/50 way? Sounds like he is “hard work” and you could do with some extra supper and maybe Dad will realise what is really going on if he has to do any actual parenting and not the fun stuff?

Hi,
Yes, ex lives an hour away, so has never collected DS from school. I work office hours.

I feel as though if I had better support and DS could access wraparound care still and money wasn't so incredibly tight this wouldn't be up for discussion. DS is temperamental Yes, and I do tend to walk on egg shells...but he's my DS and I want to Mother him and give him the best, that just feels more and more like a fantasy.

I think you should call his bluff and say yes.
It will give you the breathing space to sort out work, new home and focus on DS1 who at 11 will probably need some extra time now as well.
It will give your ex a clearer insight into his son's behaviour and might prove a real positive for their relationship.

You cannot allow an ND child to live with an ND-denying parent.

I understand how hard it is, lone parent of 3, my child is ND, as am I.

On paper, my ex MIL would do the after school childcare, and his house would be just him and her - but he also doesn’t “believe” in NDs or in MH issues.

Therefore, his house is NOT the safest place for our DD to be. She would not be emotionally, mentally or physically supported there. Even spending one weekend a month there is so damaging that she now very rarely does it .

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

Your sons behaviour sounds like the result of not having the right supports in place,and the right people around him. I mean education wise, and I'm not dismissing mainstream, just that many cannot cope, or don't have the ratio of teaching support in order to help him, or even the experience or skills to help him.

In short, he sounds like he's almost in a place where my son got to before his autism diagnosis and a move to a unit that runs alongside mainstream. That in itself had made such a massive difference to him and his ability to self regulate. Keep pushing for assessment and even before assessment and diagnosis, an education support plan can be put in place.

I also had to remove him from after school, and if it wasn't for lockdown and the move to working from home, and now permanently, I don't know how I would have worked full time. I found a forest school for after school and holiday cover that has been amazing for him. They've really helped him regulate too and work on conflict resolution. Is there something like that near you? I find them much more equipped to deal with additional needs than a regular after school facility. That's not to say it would be the same everywhere though but maybe something that could help.

Things did hit rock bottom before they improved, that included self harm, police involvement and a support worker having him charged for assault at the age of 9 with an autism diagnosis!

His dad couldn't cope, although we were together, and still are, but it did take the very real threat of separation, and 50/50 parenting to make him realise it wasn't as easy as it seemed to parent a child with additional needs. It took for me to take myself off for weekends and leave them to really miss the things I done that went unnoticed.

I know your situation is different from mine, but I entirely agree with a previous suggestion of calling his bluff, let him and his new partner do the leg work, and you enjoy the weekends with him. They'll soon be handing him back and wanting to support you to keep him. I do undersrand emotionally that wanting to call his bluff and being able to are two different things. Your little boy might have difficulties but he's still your boy.

I didn't find camhs very helpful, and I had to keep chasing them. Another job for you to do, but keep chasing them.