To cut down on contact?

[thethreemuskateers]

Myself and my ex split a year ago. We were together 18.5 years and have two boys age 4 (just) and 16. Since he moved out he has lived with his Dad and his Dads wife, then into a house share, now he’s living with his new partner and her two kids.

Our 16 year old has no contact as his Dads new partner was our next door neighbour and one of my best friends for 11 years. His Dad was with her within 7 weeks possibly sooner but that’s in the past.

Our 4 year old is really struggling with anxiety at the moment. He constantly needs reassurance, cuddles and keels asking to stay with Mam. His behaviour when he returns home from being with his Dad is erratic.

After a few days of being back with me he is great. This all started after he started staying with his Dad, new partner and her two children.

Current arrangement is 2 nights a week I’m really concerned my son is confused by the many changes in his life.

I want to cut arrangements down to 1 night,I know my ex will assume I’m trying to spite him but our son needs stability.

What are other parents thoughts?

I agree with you tbh. You have to do what is best for your child and you will still be encouraging a relationship with his dad by letting him go one night. Maybe it can go back up to two when he's a little less anxious and more settled

Step one could be to have a conversation with your ex about your 4 year old’s behaviour and perhaps get some information on what they do during contact. Ask if there is anything that you could help with. Just make sure to word yourself carefully so that your ex doesn’t feel ‘attacked’. Separation can be confusing and traumatic for children. There are book and information for separated parents to help manage children’s emotions throughout the journey.

Going to court isn’t as simple as requesting contact to be reduced by a day. There is also a possibility that contact could be increased depending on the assessment by Cafcass who’s insight will carry greater weight than your judgements as separated parents.

I have went ahead and cut contact down to 1 night. I was going to suggest going back to 2 nights but 2 nights a row to try and minimise my son being distressed and not going backwards and forwards.

My son has since came home and used swear words which he said he heard from his dads partners children. He also said the order boy doesn’t like Dad and he tells Dad to shut up. I’m now sat wondering if one night is the better option.