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DD's "new" family

8 replies

noche · 12/01/2008 22:24

My DD has just shown me the photos she took at her 2nd Xmas with her Dad. There are loads of X's GF's parents and DD was telling me about all the presents they bought her. It made me so mad!! I feel really possessive about DD and enraged that these people who I know nothing about have some part in my Dd's life. I'm sure I'm being unreasonable but I just feel they are not Dd's family and should butt out! Doesn't help that GF will not speak to me and allegedly hates my guts though have only met her once for 5 mins (in the 4 years they have been together) AND she was instrumental in our break up.

Can anyone present a positive take on it so I can stop going over it in my head??

OP posts:
allgonebellyup · 12/01/2008 22:31

read the thread below on this, "Urgent Advice Needed!"

IfYouCanKeepYourHead · 12/01/2008 22:35

Hard, but I have just hosted my DSD 4th xmas with us (as always on boxing day). DHs parents are crap with the kids, but mine are brill (I have 2 other DCs) and totally accept her as part of the family. Its lovely and she, off her own back, has started calling them granny and grandad. I know her mum hates it, but when shes here with us and the other 2 are soooo happy with them, it's lovely for her that she feels as loved and special. Her mum is so acrimonious about it that she took all her presents off of her when she got home (the 1st thing DSD said to me after new year was that mummy had hidden her toys and that was OK wasn't it? I had to tell her it was fine and enthuse about all her other toys from mummys family)
My DS isn't DHs, so I know how you feel. His GF appears to do so much stuff to wind me up, always sniping and bitching, sending crappy texts and DS often comes home with dreadful stories, but the key is he is happy when he goes there. He has a right to a relationship with his father and if his father choses to share that with other people then I have to respect that, keep calm and carry on. I am secure that he loves me, and if he feels loved by others that can't harm him.
Whats great about your situation is that DD is sharing all that with you. My DSD is only 4 and I know that she already hides a lot from her mum for fear of upsetting her. Show no emotion other than joy at her happiness and you can't go wrong. Then, when she's in bed, jump on MN and slag off the GF to the hilt! X

noche · 12/01/2008 22:44

That's really good advice about showing joy. And yes she does tell me though at times I think she is a little wary.I do try I really do but I want to scream cos it's as if I don't exist, as if GF is DD's mum and that DD is grand daughter to her parents. SHE's NOT!!!
But you're so right, being loved by others can't harm her.

I think this all stems from the fact that GF is such a cow and I hate her having contact with DD. I tell myself she is the one with problems but I can't always believe it!

OP posts:
IfYouCanKeepYourHead · 12/01/2008 22:53

GF probably is a cow, and probably been raised by...well, but you're not going to change it. Look at it like you will a boyfriend in her teens. How will you handle that? One day DD will be SOOO in love and this person will mean the world, then, one day, that person may become the epitomy of all that is evil. What will be the one contsant? You. Happy for her happiness and prepared for her hurt.

Its great that they behave like that around her as it shows some repect for her, and as long as they know their boundaries i.e. YOU are mum, YOU deal with the problems, the school stuff, the day-to-day living and ultimately all the best bits, then fine. You know who loves her most and what that transcends.

noche · 12/01/2008 23:11

You're a star, you've said just the right things. Do you do private counselling??? Just kidding-already going to someone anyway....

My only worry is I don't think they do know the boundaries, any of them. And X would not step in to protect me as the mother of his DD. He would just go along with GF because he has no moral fibre.

OP posts:
IfYouCanKeepYourHead · 12/01/2008 23:30

Of course he wouldn't...he's probably an idiot too right?..! Just kidding, although my X certainly is - and would always agree with his GF as he has no backbone. And said GF needs to know I am a hateful bitch as she is incredibly insecure. But my DS does have a backbone, knows I am his MUM, and when it comes to a point when they can really impact on him, I know I'll have raised him right and he'll be able to make his own decisions.

DS has come home several times asking me if / telling me that I am fat...GF obviously has a lot to say in that respect. DS and I laugh about my squidgy bits and decide they don't matter. He goes to bed full of smiles, I go downstairs and cry into my wine. But then the next morning I see my DS and remember that I may have gained a few pounds (I mean gone from a 10 to a 12, not exactly huge) but I have a brilliant DS and she has to sleep with my X which at best was pretty terrible!!

They don't get the boundaries, and they will never hold me up as the sterling get-on-with-it and be-strong-for-the-kids woman that I perceive myself to be, but DS will. Their refusal to accept that will, I think, eventually drive DS away from them. Thats why with DSD I always try to 'big-up' mummy and that situation, because I know that that is her life and for us to feature in her life at all, we have to show that we love all of her - including the bits we don't see. For her, mummy is No. 1 and we totally get that, not for mummy (who is stupid!!) but for DSD because that's all she knows.

God I'm rambling...sorry!

PurpleOne · 13/01/2008 01:55



Rest assured that no matter what happens hun, you are THE BEST THING in DD life. She knows it, you know it too.

Keep your boundaries, keep strong and keep doing whta your doing, cause it sounds like your doing a grand job there! x

ScruffyTeddy · 13/01/2008 02:20

I would always be happy if my exp gfs family were good to my ds. Its a shame that he's never really with one girl long enough!

After we split up, his first gfs family were great to ds, but then I got on with his gf and her family too, I can honestly say it didnt bother me one bit. Im still friends with her now.

His next (wife) was a foul mouthed bitch who i'd never liked from the minute I met her, yet her family were very good to ds (her stepbrother was one of my oldest friends anyway although we didnt make the connection at first, small world and all that).

The one he's with now, she seems ok, I have nothing against her. He is being an idiot, as he always is when he gets a new lady and he's wound me up no end with his crapness. They've been together about a year and we've never been introduced. I did try to speak to her once but when I approached the car she wound her window up! (strange girl). I have no problem with her family being good to ds either, I really prefer it that way.

My main problem is that he may get attached to them and miss them when his dads relationship fails (as it will quite soon again im sure, his attitude stinks).

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