Lonelou and allgonebellyup
I can totally empathise with both of you. My exp walked out on me and our 7wk old dd 4mths ago. (well we had to do the the walking actually- another story).
He had been too friendly with a woman he knew ( I knew her too) for my liking and it has since emerged that they are now together. He denies cheating, but admits that meeting her 'sped up' our split, but that it was going to happen anyway. (bollocks imo). He cheated, in every way but physically, so its worse in my opinion.
Anyway, he has behaved very badly since the split, refusing to talk to me, etc. He very much need to justify his decision, so he was rather unpleasant to me at every turn.
I feel though, that we may be turning a corner on that one, because I simply could not go on under the level of hostility that we currently show one another. It was hurting me more than it was him, so I realised that the only way forward for me was to call a 'cease-fire' of sorts. He is not- and never was, the type to admit fault or offer olive branches, so I know that he would have carried on the hostilities until dd's 18th birthday if he had to, and I just couldn't. What I told him, in essence- is that 'whats done is done, You can stop hating me now'. I even wished him and ow well- even though I secretly hope they never last- telling him this would be pointless and if its a new beginning I want, then I have to at least pretend I've accepted the situation for what it is. It seems to have worked, time will tell.
Like you- when he left, he refused to help me deal with my pain. He said he wasn't able to. When I sent streams of text messages asking for reasons why he did it etc- the majority of them went unanswered. I think I will always find this hard to get over- because I feel he owed it to me to help me come to terms with his decision- but he refused to, and it was cruel. He literally 'wiped me out'- no joke, it was like I had died. I wont ever forget that. Instead, he fed me the same well-rehearsed, scripted line that he 'wasn't happy, I didn't walk out on DD, I left you'- you get the picture. Other than that- I was left to form my own conclusions on why he did what he did. When I think back to how quickly he wiped me out of his life- it helps me remember why I dont want him back.
I'm not over it all by a long way- but when I realised that he was not ever going to take responsibility for his actions- or even in helping me recover emotionally, only then did I begin to heal. I realised basically, that my journey to recovery was down to me.
I still obsess over him and OW. I still ask his family incessant questions about him. I still obsess over whether it will work out between them. Look at the various threads I've started here and on relationships to see where I get my therapy. I certainly dont get it from him- and ladies- you won't either. Accept that he wont help you feel better- he isn't interested in making you feel better, because rightly or wrongly, he has another distraction at the moment, and you aren't part of it. Add that to the fact that your very presence reminds him of his bad behaviour, so he can't bear to be around you. This may get better as he learns to live with his guilt, but be prepared for the fact that it might not. He may always need a reason to hate you- how else will he tell himself he did the right thing after all?
Lonelou- It's extremely early days for you yet. I'm 4 months in and I promise you- you will feel better soon. As bellyup says- not deliriously happy, but better.
Bellyup- you sound so sad that your man isnt coming back to you, and keep blaming yourself for being the one to make him leave in the first place. Please look at the situation for what it is though- he made someone else pregnant in record time- and so it suggests that he may well have left you anyway at some point. Those aren't the actions of a man who was heartbroken to leave the family home. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but really, you deserve better than this and you will find it.
As for me- my mat leave finished on friday and I return to work full time tomorrow. I'm going to try and make this the beginning of my 'fresh start'. I have let this thing utterly consume me and while I dont believe I will stop immediately- I hope I can go some way towards letting go now. He isn't coming back- even if he wanted to- because to put it simply- he isn't a good person.
So its just me and my child now, and he will see her and be a father to her- but not in the way he could have been. I tell myself that he won't see this today or tomorrow- but he will one day.
I also get the whole ' I'm so sad to have left my child, I'm still unhappy' - but this is utter tripe in my opinion, because he never gave family life a chance to impact upon him at all. He left after 7 weeks! It may sound harsh- but he simply isn't devastated to be without her now- because he as far as I can see, he's quite happy with ow and her child.
He has even taken DD to sleep in her house ans she is only 6mo. Does he seem distraught to you? No, this way he is getting the best of both worlds - conscience clear.
Please don't waste your time wondering if he will ever return to you. Instead- ask yourself what it would be like if he did.
What we are dealing with (and it took me a long time to admit this) is rejection. The feeling that someone else told us to go away. Someone else was chosen above us. It hurts immensely, but rejection has the ability to completely cloud your judgement of a situation. You know deep down that he isn't worthy of you, but he told you to go away, and you can't bear it. When that feeling of rejection fades, you'll see the situation for what it really is.
I hope you both feel better soon.
pingu steps off soapbox to go and send ex 12 nasty text messages