Child support advice

[mum29919]

My ex and I broke up almost a year ago and we have a 2.5 year old boy. I have tried to keep everything friendly and haven't gone through official channels to organise contact or child support which has worked for the most part so far. We agreed our son would live with me and he has him Friday night to Sunday lunch every other weekend and he gives me £445 a month in child support. I've just been away with a friend for four nights in a trip we planned three years ago and now I'm back my ex is saying he can give me less (he's suggested £300) because he's having him more than 52 nights in the year because I've been away. Would this hold up with child maintenance service seeing as it was a one off trip which won't be repeated?

How much would you get if you went through child maintenance service? £445 is a lot for one child, I wonder if he thinks he is over paying or someone told him he was?

Have you used a child maintenance calculator to work out how the holiday affects maintenance?

Friday night to Sunday lunch = 2 nights per fortnight= 52 nights per year.

Add 4 nights = 56 nights.

I'm not so sure that the decrease in maintenance would be so dramatic. Possibly just for this month but definitely not for the rest of the year plus I'm assuming that the 4 nights don't overlap with nights he would have had anyway.

He earns a lot of money, CSA says he should be paying £410 and he's been giving me a bit extra as childcare is so expensive. I'd be ok if he wanted to drop it to £410 but dropping to £300 because he's had him an extra 2 days this month seems excessive and I'll really struggle without it. He doesn't buy anything for him and if he does I have to give him the money for it, he's even asked to take his bedding from mine for him when he stays over. I just don't know if it would be worth going through CSA or if I'd be shooting my self in the foot because he's over the 52 days a year, assuming he has him every time he should be the rest of the year

No it doesn’t work like that I don’t think it was a one off, call and ask them for advice? You don’t have to open a case just yet but could ask them how it would work, I’m sure it doesn’t work like that as it’s not a regular thing. Personally I would be opening a case with cms!

Have you tried an online calculator and see the difference between 52 days and 56 days per year ?

I was hoping it wouldn't be the case because it's not regular! You're right I do need to speak them really, I'm just nervous about going through official channels because he won't like it.
Online calculated says £320 if it's 53-101 days, that extra £100 is the difference between surviving and actually living though, it means we can have the odd day out or go to a play gym/swimming etc

If he goes away or needs to cancel a weekend then it might go back to 52 days.

If he has him over 52 nights then the reduction to you is because there's an assumption he is now taking on 1/7 cost for the child.

So now he should be providing clothes, Pyjamas, toothbrush etc when the child is with him and certainly shouldn't be asking for bedding!

He can't have it both ways - he pays you less he has to fork out more himself.

He's already asked to skip one of his weekends anyway so he's back down to 52! I think he was just annoyed I'd gone on holiday and he seems to think he's paid for it, when I've saved for three years to go away for four nights with my friend 🙄 I'm trying to sort mediation to get something official in place saying when he has him anyway, I don't want to be worried he's going to start playing games.

Why don’t you just do it yourselves based on the CMS online calculator, seems fair enough he’s asking for the 52-104 rate if he’s having him every other weekend, at the moment he’s not getting any deduction compared to a dad who never sees his children?? He still has to make sure he has a home/room etc for him, make sure he’s available those weekends so basically a lot more expense and commitment compared to a child who never sees his father

To add to my above reply, yes just go through CMS or at least agree to use their calculator (speaking as a single mother who has gone through all this) otherwise it does all just get too complex and unfair, potentially on both sides i.e. mums that don’t get enough, dads that left in poverty because so much demanded of dad from ex. Some PWC seem to forget all the extra benefits they are entitled too and fact the NRPis not entitled to any of this, is paying out maintenance plus needs to fund children coming to stay. Some dad’s begrudge giving a penny and see kids when only convenient to them and are rubbish but there are alot of MNs who so take the mickey and think forget how they would feel if it was them as the NRP.
Personal experience I’ve seen it from all sides and would say just doing CMS is the fairest and least hassle way. Your ex tbh sounds like a decent dad and think your being unfair on not wanting him to have the 52 nights a year rate when that’s what he’s basically having ds for give or take the odd day? Could you ask him to have him a few extra days in the holiday if you feel it’s borderline? He should be providing his own bedding etc

If you are relying on his child support payments not dropping below what he's been paying in order to survive I would seriously think about trying to do something to earn a little more. Not easy I know, but at any time he could lose his job, cut his hours, go off sick, and his payments would decrease. He could also ask for more time with your son which would, as you've seen, affect his payment to you. You have no control over any of this, so I would try and take control of the things you can so you're not so reliant on him and worrying.

Totally agree with this advice, the maintenance isn't a given and I know many who manage quite fine without any maintenance as they receive UC if their income that low. However of course it’s only right he takes a fair responsibility for his children but just like if you lost/changed your job or had more children you would be entitled to help if your income fell before a set level, he can’t be expected to give what he doesn’t have or live in destitution

I don't know what I've said that makes you think he sounds like a decent dad! He doesn't want him more than he has him, it's all just financial for him. And he's not destitute, he earns a lot of money, owns his own house, has substantial savings. But you're right I shouldn't be relying on it so heavily. I just can't afford to work any more because childcare is so expensive and I don't have any family near by that could look after him while I worked.

I didn't realise a dad who has no involvement was the baseline to be compared against. The child is his financial responsibility too, whether he sees him or not, why should he get a 'discount' for actually bothering to see him at all?!

There is a lot of difference between the dad who doesn’t have a child at all to the one who has him alternate weekends, I’m saying that having been the PWC in both situations. As a mother with care and a NRP dh the CMS system I’d say is pretty fair in its calculations and the 1/7 they get off for an alternate weekend arrangement.
I do really feel for you if he’s just doing it for the finances and your having to send your child into that kind of situation, especially being so little. Although if his priority is just trying to give you the minimum why is he paying towards childcare when he doesn’t have to? Are you getting all the childcare help you can through universal credit or TFC plus you’ll be entitled to funded hours soon

P.s to add I was on benefits in the days when you were only allowed to keep £10 a week of the maintenance received. My ex was better off than me but that was due to him being from a wealthy family and us not having been married so having no claim on his house, savings etc. Taking that out or the equation by the time he’d of paid for renting a house to accommodate the children at market rate, feeding them etc , if he’d been paying CMS maintenance at that time and I had been allowed to keep it then he wouldn’t have been any better off than me and the extra would of been lovely too so can’t see how their rate isn’t fair? I was eligible for help towards childcare and also did overtime on the weekends he had them

There is plenty of opportunity to work from home. Child support for the child not your personal meals or expenses. If needed for a holiday then the child support should only be ethically used for the child. It is an absolute disgrace that people receiving child support can use it any way they wish and dont have to spend that money on the child. There should be a legal requirement that every penny is spent on the child.

@SubterfugeMe I am pretty sure that is the thought process of nrp who don't support their kids. Like my ex. On the occasional months I get some money for our children what this magically does is free up some of my own earning to purchase item for myself. Instead of the usual months when every single penny I have covers their needs. The roof over their heads food. Shoes etc.

@SubterfugeMe child support is to defray the expenses of the resident parent incurred in raising the child. That includes housing, heat, hot water, lighting, tv license etc. Childcare is prohibitively expensive and many employers will not permit home working whilst looking after a young child (because it's impossible).