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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Absent dad. Advice?

13 replies

Candycat1212 · 17/05/2022 17:02

Just looking for some advice and support.

So my sons dad and I separated before I knew I was pregnant (it was an abusive relationship and I have a 3 year restraining order on him).
He knew I was pregnant and made many noises that he wanted to be involved and make things right with us, etc but a month before my son was born he met someone and disappeared off the face of the earth over night. Fast forward to now, a year on, and I've still not heard a word from him or anyone on his side about the baby but him and his partner have now quietly bought a house a 5 min walk from mine and he has dramatically changed his appearance. Now his partner and him have no reason to buy in this (small) town, no work or family reasons. Even the police agree its very strange he would chose to buy here. As its a small town, I have seen him around but thankfully he's never approached me and seems to avoid places once he's seen me there.
My question is to anyone who's ex partner has never had anything to do with their baby and is not on the birth certificate.

Obviously Id rather he wasnt involved with the baby, he's not a good person, so I'm very concerned that he might one day try for some kind of access.. .so do you guys think it's likely he will try to make contact with my son in the near future? Keeping in mind he's never met this baby and never shown any interest in him at all. If this has happened to anyone here, what did you? What happened?

OP posts:

MintJulia · 17/05/2022 17:10

Does his gf have dcs? If she does he might try to show her what a 'great dad' he is.
If she hasn't, it's pretty unlikely she will want a toddler that isn't her own hanging around, and he's made no effort so far, so seems unlikely.
Maybe he moved there to 'show you what you're missing'. Or maybe he just likes the town.

Things could get more complicated if they have a child and the dcs end up at the same school.

I hope he stays away, for your sake.

Original poster

Candycat1212 · 17/05/2022 17:24

@MintJulia His partner has a 20 year old and 1 year old grandchild. His abuse to me was quite bad and the local police were often involved so you'd think he'd want to avoid this place, especially if he has no links here and both him and his partner are originally from the other side of the country.
He was found guilty in court of DA and stalking and i have a restraining order but as far as I know that wouldn't stop him trying to get access or be added to the birth certificate if he wanted to. So I just keep my fingers crossed that he never will try.

OP posts:

GetThatHelmetOn · 18/05/2022 02:10

I have no crystal ball but in your position the first thing I would do is not listen to anyone who tells you your child and his abusive irresponsible dad have a right to a relationship. With a dad like that he is better off not having dad in his life or a mum totally stressed out to the point of not being able to parent properly.

Your son wouldn’t know any different and there are so many children who live and have contact with just the primary parent so it is unlikely he feels singled out much. Having your child neglected/destroyed/ignored every second weekend is much worse for him than having no dad around.

Justmeandme19 · 18/05/2022 11:40

Hey. I would be taking matters into my own hands and moving, I know you shouldn't have to but I would be. I would be making myself as hard to find as possible.
I have an abusive ex but my situation is different, he carnt have any contact with the children (court ordered)

Original poster

Candycat1212 · 18/05/2022 15:48

@Justmeandme19 Unfortunately I have just moved. I never in a million years thought he would move to my town so I moved house so he didn't know where I was, but stayed in the same area. So moving again right at this moment would be very difficult 😢

OP posts:

Axahooxa · 18/05/2022 15:51

If you can plan to move, i think it would be a wise thing to do. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Original poster

Candycat1212 · 18/05/2022 17:31

@GetThatHelmetOn oh it will definitely be much better for my son if he never makes contact with his "dad". Tbh my mind has been put at rest slightly today as I was told that despite the criminal record for DA, the restraining order and court supervision...that he could have tried to get access if he'd wanted to. The fact that's he's not tried helps me believe he's not interested. Still so strange that he moved here though.

OP posts:

GetThatHelmetOn · 18/05/2022 17:50

He may not be interested in having contact at this time but may become interested once your baby looks like a more interesting fun individual (like seeing a child having fun kicking a ball at the park) so although it may not be convenient to move now, I would definitely would definitely not put any roots down in the area while he is there.

Justmeandme19 · 18/05/2022 18:59

I would be getting CCTV at your house. This doesn't have to be expensive, Amazon sell the cameras, just pay for someone to fit them etc.
Keep a diary of every time you see him, just incase this is needed in the future. Also get a dictorphone so you can record him if he tried to approach you.
These things should help you feel safer.

Wednesdayafternoon · 20/05/2022 10:28

If he's not on the birth certificate and you were never married what right does he have to anything?

So sorry about this OP. I can't imagine how stressful this must be!

GetThatHelmetOn · 23/05/2022 04:43

Wednesdayafternoon · 20/05/2022 10:28

If he's not on the birth certificate and you were never married what right does he have to anything?

So sorry about this OP. I can't imagine how stressful this must be!

I wish people stopped saying this. It is soooo misleading. Since the advent of DNA testing any man who is the father can easily get their names on their child certificate if they wish to.

daretodenim · 23/05/2022 05:01

I was hoping that the police reaction to this given he's got a restraining order against him and a conviction of stalking you would be to get him out of the area. What does the restraining order actually prevent him from doing (I don't know much about them but didn't imagine they included moving 5 mins away!).

Are you renting or did you buy? If renting I'd look at moving asap, even if it's not very soon, BUT within the same police force area, because they know him.

I can't think of one innocent reason an man convicted of DV and stalking would end up in his ex's town by mistake, when he and GF are from other side of the country. I'm so sorry OP.

As for your actual question, he can apply any time to get his name added. And this type of man is unlikely to forget he has a way to have a hold over you I'm afraid.

Someone needs to do a Claire's Law request on behalf of his partner...

Raindrops2015 · 23/05/2022 06:54

I would move. My father wasn't on birth cert. Had no interest when I was born. Drifted in and out of my life as a child and adolescent. I got nothing positive from this and it left me with huge confidence issues. He wasn't abusive, just selfish, disloyal and sleazy. Yours has a history of abuse. Keep him out. No good can come of him.

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