Should you date as a single parent?

[creaturcomforts]

I was married for 15 years, ex left me and had no contact with dd who is now 15.

I haven't dated or met anyone but I haven't been looking, to be frank I'm exhausted with work and supporting dd which is my pleasure (I have to add) since ex does not have contact or support dd at all since he left financially so it is a struggle.

I can't see a situation where I could trust a man to date or even have a casual relationship as I can't see why any man would want to be with me since my daughter comes first for me and I see men as selfish and have massive trust issues.

On the other hand I don't like being alone, I miss a relationship and having someone there . I sort of feel like I have ptsd from my marriage and I'm not happy being alone but I don't want my dd to have to deal with a stepdad.

There seem to be literally no men that would factor in a female partners kids in a relationship, I don't want or need financial support just someone who cares. I don't know why I'm posting but I'm so fed up and lonely as I don't feel I could trust again..

[creaturcomforts]

Guess what I'm trying to ask is any other single parents success or failure stories as it's not a topic that is discussed much.

I've had sometimes men I have worked with enquire about my status! When I state not married (surprise) but with a dd! They have promptly stopped interest .

A blessing and a curse I'm sure as it seems from my experience that men in general have a bad opinion of single mums without taking into account the circumstances.

[bbqhulahoop]

I think it's all very fresh and raw right now and you're not ready for it. I was single for 3 years after my relationship broke down, though didn't have your length of marriage. I needed that time to work on my own self esteem and set myself up for life so that I knew I had stuff going for me. Then I had a few bad dates before meeting the most wonderful man who I'm still with 6 years on and don't see us ever breaking up, so yes you can date and you can be happy with a man again but only when you're ready and if you want to. Don't put pressure on yourself expecting it to happen overnight

[PumpkinsandKittens]

I don’t date because I can’t, been single for 5 years but I am on my own with my kids (their “father” is absent) so I never get any time away from them to be able to! It’s not through choice and after 5 years I feel very lonely but it can’t change anytime soon.

[puppetcat]

I've accepted that it may not happen at least any time soon (LP for 9 years). I don't get time away / time to go out and even if I did I think it would be difficult to fit into my lifestyle. I focus on my family, and my DC and the connections that I do have as well as my career and hobbies to keep me happy. One day it will happen but not any time soon.

[Sidge]

Well you don’t HAVE to date, but no reason not to have a relationship if you want one, just because you have a child. There are men out there who aren’t fazed by single mothers.

As long as you keep strong boundaries, don’t rush anything and prioritise your daughter you could date - actually quite easily if she is 15 as she can be left alone for a couple of hours!

Remember she won’t be at home forever and whilst you don’t need a man, you do need to reclaim your identity, needs and hobbies so you aren’t adrift when she goes her own way.

[GetThatHelmetOn]

Oh well, I have my own traumas steaming from divorce (will never be able to marry/merge finances again after a massively long and expensive divorce) but I have had 3 long term relationships since I split with my exH 20 years ago.

All of them have been lovely men who treated me well and were wonderful with my kid, if I were not so afraid of commitment I would have already remarried.

I don’t think that you are in a good place to look for someone as you still carry a lot of pain and, no healthy relationship can be developed when one person has serious issues with trust, otherwise everyone gets hurt.

I suggest you start by getting some counselling if you can, increasing your social life (both with child in tow or without) and once you feel happy, confident and surrounded with friends, try to find someone to date.

[Furrbabymama87]

I met my husband when I was a single mum with 3 kids. We didn't have many dates, we used to meet for coffee and he'd come round when they were in bed. Some men are willing to commit to a family, rather than just the woman.

[unicornsarereal72]

It will come in time. You need to heal. I've been single far too long and do not want or need a step parent in my children lives. I had that and it was difficult.

I've dated a bit here and there. Slowly learning new boundaries and not to tolerate anything I don't want to. I may meet someone who fits the criteria. I may not. But I'm not ruling it out. As the children get older it gets easier and it is important you carve a new life for yourself. However that looks

[TheOrigRights]

If you see all men as selfish then you are not ready to date.

I was married for over 20 years, have been single for nearly 6 and am sort of seeing a man. I have one 13 yo child at home now, so logistically things are a bit easier for me now, but with a full time job, my 13 yo being quite a tricky one and others things I like to do, I don't see him often.

He is totally fine with this. I have cancelled a date at the last minute because I had to put my son first. His response was really understanding and supportive. He is also divorced and has children, but both his are adult now.

He is not selfish and respects me.

[EveninEden]

I totally understand where you are coming from - I am in almost the same situation. Been on my own for years after a very traumatic experience.
Would love to meet a nice man, but all my friends are married, no single friends, so I never go out.
Even if I did - I think I'm too terrified to try.
All I do is work, parent, and housework...
Tired and fed-up...

[EveninEden]

For what it's worth, I have heard some really lovely stories of single mums meeting lovely guys and living happily ever after and all that... so it is possible... if only we knew where those lovely single men where hiding? 😕

[lassof]

I have a 'friend with benefits'. We care a lot about each other, and it's lovely to have an emotional outlet, but I won't ever put a man ahead or on a par with my kids so I am never looking for a full time relationship. Honestly don't think men are worth the effort. It's lovely to be single as my kids grow older. My fwb provides sex and someone to talk to, but a few good female friends are my mainstay and day to day support. And my dogs. Actually, mostly my dogs!

[jrc1071]

I’m a solo parent of a special needs child… The father moved to South America.

I live in a foreign country without family, I work more than full-time on top of caring for my son.

I don’t date. I can’t.

well admittedly part of it is I don’t give a flying you know what to even bother at my age…

But the other part is every budding relationship needs time to be alone together. And as a solo parent who has zero time off, responsible for every school holiday, I don’t have the time to nurture a relationship.

So dating is out of the question.

I have to say it’s hard… I spend every night feeling quite lonely, the weekends are hard. Yet this is how it’s going to be for at least another 8 to 10 years, so I’ve had to accept it

[Anxietyandwine]

I met my husband when I was a single mom. On tinder of all the places! (Luckily for me I struck lucky meeting him on my first ever tinder date!)

We waited about 5/6m for him to meet my daughter as she was very young (3/4years old).

she’s now 11 and has been calling him dad since she asked if it was okay at 8 years old. If anything he saw her as a bonus and watching them fall in love with each other and bond was beautiful especially as she was really lacking a strong male role model.

We have a little boy now too and are happily married 8 years on.

tbh as your DD is so much older I’d be surprised to hear men are that bothered as she must be pretty independent at 15? Just take your time to process the relationship that has ended and when you are ready to date, don’t rush to introduce her. Good luck! ☺️

[GetThatHelmetOn]

@jrc1071

I’m a solo parent of a special needs child… The father moved to South America.

I live in a foreign country without family, I work more than full-time on top of caring for my son.

I don’t date. I can’t.

well admittedly part of it is I don’t give a flying you know what to even bother at my age…

But the other part is every budding relationship needs time to be alone together. And as a solo parent who has zero time off, responsible for every school holiday, I don’t have the time to nurture a relationship.

So dating is out of the question.

I have to say it’s hard… I spend every night feeling quite lonely, the weekends are hard. Yet this is how it’s going to be for at least another 8 to 10 years, so I’ve had to accept it

Erm, there are ways. 24/7 single parent here with no family around.

My relationships have been built on morning coffees or escapades while DS was taking classes or doing hobbies. Ensuring he was in bed sleeping like a log at 9 gave me quite a bit of my social life back (like inviting friends around for dinner).

It does help if you date people with children as they can understand better that you have responsibilities and need to plan accordingly.

[Starseeking]

Absolutely you should date as a single parent, you are still a person in your own right despite having DC.

I have a friend who has been a single parent for about 10 years. During that time she's had 3 relationships, including one which lasted 6 years and lived with her and her DC. Funny enough all the men she meets don't have DC, and don't appear to be bothered that she does. So it is possible.

Having split with my EXDP just over a year ago, I would like to meet a nice new DP. Once my life is more settled (about to move house, DC2 starting school, and hopefully getting a new job), I'll be dipping my toe back into the dating world again. There are some lovely men out there, you just have to look hard for them

[Singleandproud]

Ive been pretty much single since finding out I was pregnant with DD, 12 yrs ago when I was 23. I attempted dating briefly when she was about 3 and had a casual relationship with a nice guy but it fizzled out. I then decided to plough my time and money into the two of us, learnt to drive, bought a car, committed to an OU degree that ends this year and has taken up all my spare time for the last 6 years. Not sure what I'm going to do come September once my degree is over.

Not having the relationship side of things gets easier. DD and I were talking about how she would feel if I dated (her dad has long since lived with a GF and had a baby together). She said that was OK if that's what I wanted to do but she'd rather I date a woman than a man. Apparently it makes perfect sense as I'm obviously not a fan if most men anyway and having a woman around the house would be far better than a man - not sure that's how it works though 😂

[theniceunderstandingone]

I was going to post something like this.

Been single 10 years. Single mum to 3 (oldest 21, 10 and then 2)
I don't want a man and I do want a man so for now I guess I just won't have a man lol

I'm scared to date but like you said the loneliness is a lot. Especially as all my family members and friends are in relationships so Friday and Saturday nights are EXTREMELY lonely.
I guess it will happen when it happens and somehow you will make time for dates etc

[PleaseGoDontGoAgain]

I see men as selfish and have massive trust issues.
Then you need to avoid relationships for a bit. Dating is unlikely to improve your trust issues but you won't meet an unselfish man in your front room.

Honestly at 15 your DD is not in need of the kind of support that usually puts men off, this is when a lot of women start to date as teens can occupy themselves.

Are you saying anything else to put these men off?

[PleaseGoDontGoAgain]

Read your op back to yourself. It's quite conflicted.
You don't trust men or want a selfish man and all men are selfish. But you miss being in a relationship, the last relationship you had was shit but you want another one...but you don't want one with a man because men are untrustworthy and you have a teenager you are focused on.
You are likely grieving.

Learn to be alone before attempting anything

[Penfelyn]

I don't think you "should" or "shouldn't" date as a single parent.

If I really wanted to I probably could. I don't want to though. I am a single parent by choice and I'm so glad I made that decision. Many of the posts on here show what a bullet I dodged. I see how my brother treats his partner and it makes me want to remain single forever.

Sometimes, briefly, I feel like getting some support from a partner must be nice. But it's a fleeting thought based on fantasy more than reality. I don't think it's worth the cost of a lifetime of compromise.

I'm cynical about it I guess, but never met anyone who made me want to share my life with them. I like having my own bed, having only my own mess to clean up. I like being able to raise my kids however I see fit without having to deal with someone else undermining me.

If I wanted to date I could and I would (after kids were in bed and baby sitter in generally). But I don't, and I don't think I'll want to even after the kids grow up. And if I ever do date it'll be on the understanding that there will be no children (already have them and don't want to be tied to someone for 18 years) and definitely no marriage.

[Penfelyn]

I mean, single parents who want to date can date, and those who don't want to can abstain. There is no should or shouldn't. Just do what is right for you. **

[anthurium]

Watching with interest.

Solo parent here with a sperm donor conceived child so no ex partner on the scene or similar.

I am so grateful I am a parent and wouldn't want to go back to my so for, childfree life which was emotionally empty and difficult in itself.

I think I'd like to date or rather try to date again, but the reality is I have 24/7 responsibility for my son, and no family nearby for support. My son is wonderful, that's not the issue, it's the fact I know how dreadful dating used to be. I remember acutely since I'd been childfree for almost 2 decades before having him.

Sometimes I can't work out if I need to expand my social circle or if I want a romantic partner...