11 year old DD wants to move to France to live with Dad

[Toastandmarmite999]

My daughter's 11, her Dad lives in France. Despite not being able to see him often, she's managed to keep in touch and maintain a bond.

Last week she went to stay with him and his new partner (who was lovely by all accounts) and she's come back really upset because she wants to live with him.

I can see why - she had a great time, and she misses him.

We spoke about it - she was in tears 'my heart is broken in two' - she loves us both in equal measure.

Since then, she seems to be settling back into our old routine again and she hasn't mentioned it since, but it's turned my world upside down.

I can't see a stable future for us anymore - I hadn't prepared myself for the eventuality of her just leaving for France at any point - it's not like she's just down the road.

I actually feel quite depressed as I've sacrificed so much for her and have no life of my own. The thought of losing her after all these years of isolation and struggle is overwhelming - I can't focus on my job and I feel sick.

Anyone else experienced this - I'm sure kids wanting to live with their other parent is a common issue with single parents, but when they move so far away?

Thanks for listening xx

...I guess what I'm asking is - how do I deal with this - how do I live my life with this hanging over me?

Thanks again x

Does he want her to live with them? A holiday is different from day to day life, so she may change her mind. Let her know she is always welcome back. All is not lost as she might come back.

I would treat this as a ‘coming home from a nice visit’ reaction. In all likelihood if she went, she would want to come home but as she’s not mentioned it again I would take it as that she had a lovely time. If she mentions it again I would be inclined to say you have to stay here as you’re already settled in School etc & this is where your life is but you can always go when you’re 16! At 11, I would be making the decision.

Does he want her to live with him? Does she speak fluent French?

It sounds like a bit of a fantasy.

OP, I mean this gently as you are obviously upset, but I think you are overreacting a bit to say that you "can't see a stable future anymore". I can't tell you this is never going to happen - of course it might - but it probably won't. Assuming your DD is generally happy and settled at school and has nice friends and a good relationship with you, it's really unlikely that she'll want to uproot herself from all that and move to France. Most children dislike change. It's completely normal for her to have had a lovely time and come back and have a cry about it, but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't mention it again.

If she asks again, I would simply say no, that's not happening. She's 11, not 18. Her place is with you right now.

How frequently does she visit? Will she be going again in the summer? Could she go for a month in the summer?

She can't just decide to move to France without you, but it sounds like you are beginning to see the empty nest away in the distance. What else can you see yourself doing in the future? Maybe it is time to start planning for when she is older and will want to leave home for Uni or work.

I think you sit down and say that she needs to stay with you and attend her school until gcses are done. She can spend half of all school holidays in France and therefore she must study her French diligently.
IMO that is entirely reasonable.

The point is, the OP's daughter will be 18 when that happens, not 11. And it's highly likely that she will still be in the UK, not in France, so it's not really a good comparison.

If I were you OP I would just say that for now she stays where she is. She can go for visits, but that's not the same as living in a different culture, with a different language and education system.

I know people think that because France is relatively close by, the culture is the same, but I lived there for many years and there are many differences.

Thanks for your replies - really - thank you.
You've brought be back down to earth a bit.

Just to answer some questions - yes - he does want her to live with him - no her French isn't great - the reality would be very hard for her.
I know that legally, she can't decide until she's 16, but I don't want her to be unhappy with me.
She was seeing him over 2/3 months before Covid and I'm 'hoping' that will resume.

I'm just going through so many emotions. I feel so sorry for her - for putting her through this (it was me who left him) - I'm finding it heartbreaking to be with her as I'm terrified of losing her - although it has to happen sometime right.

Being a lone parent is exhausting.
Thinking out loud, I think I need to start rebuilding my 'own life' as I have no friends here - to start looking beyond being a mum - sorry - rambling a bit.

@growinggreyer - I think you've hit the nail on the head xx

It may have been you who left him, but presumably he chose to move to France? Personally I would never want to live in a different country from my DC. Don't blame yourself for this situation OP.

You've just said that her French isn't that great. Get her to try and express herself in French with you every time she wants something. I can almost guarantee that it will take her all of ten minutes to realize how hard it would be.

Young children have an amazing ability to pick up languages, but at 11, that innate ability is lost and she would struggle massively in a French school.

I think she'll soon get over her desire to live there. Hope you can put this behind you.

Valid points from all of you - thank you - I feel a little more focused and positive. God - it's good to talk xx

Glad youre feeling better! But maybe this is a wake up call for further down the line....its not good to give up everything for your children and make them the only centre of your existence. Remember the objective of parenting is to equip them to one day leave you. That day will come, whether its to uni or to France or to a flatshare in the the next town. Its also stifling to be th eobject of so much sacrifice. Start gving yourself some self love - you also deserve some independent happiness, whether thats a few friends, a solo outing, a new low key hobby etc etc. Dont become obsessive about your daughter. You may find that what she really loved, but maybe cant articulate, is the freedom she experienced at her fathers.

Thank you @Lobelia123 xx

I would talk to her about the practicalities. Its a completely different education system. Much longer school day. She would need to be fluent in french, amd you dont think it would be anywhere near as fun as she thinks after just going there for a nice holiday.

Its normal for her to love her dad and to wish she could live there sometimes. It doesnt mean its the right thing to do.
Maybe she could just see him more often rather than a massive move? Its not the other side of the world

I know a ten year old who moved to France only speaking a little French and she was fluent in French within 2 years of moving. Could you get her a French tutor to help her pick up French quicker? I would be telling her she can go for a month in the summer holidays and have a French tutor but it will still take her many years to learn enough French to live there and study all her subjects in French. Tell her 18 or when she finishes education, she can go if she still wants to.

Thanks all, it's just the inbetween bit of how to deal with a daughter who wants to live elsewhere - it's hard to deal with as I only want her to be 100% happy.
It just came as a bit of a shock that's all - threw a cat amongst the pigeons - our lives here had been ticking along nicely, and it's just changed everything really.

But if she accepts the reality, and I also start to rebuild my life outside of being a mum, it can be on hold for a while and she can see him as much as possible....I think that's the way forward from here.

My daughter went to boarding school at 11. It was hard but I soon learned to cope & built up my interests outside the home. It made it so much easier when she went to Uni’ and then worked abroad. She’s since flown back to the nest & lives nearby.

In your position, having spoken to her dad, I’d map out the dates for her next visit(s) to France. This gives her a firm foundation of when she’ll see him & every reason to work hard at school so she can enjoy relaxed time with him. Meanwhile as others suggest, work on building your life beyond her care. A low key hobby or the gym maybe? I started playing squash, took up Pilates & did some courses to help my CV & employee opportunities.

I always found it helpful to have a date in sight, a planning calendar for example, with dates marked off so that I could clearly see when I’d next see my offspring. Gave me great comfort. She might find something visible like this is helpful & you can work towards what you’d like to do during her sojourn. Singles holiday?

You’ll be fine. It’s just a case of letting go, little by little, in a constructive and planned way. The opportunity for her is amazing and let’s face it, our children are only on loan to us.

Thanks @Giveitall - a powerful closing statement x