Difficult ex, how to be zen around him?

[ambientcake]

Hey all, long time lurker first time poster,

Just wondering if anyone had tips for dealing with an annoying ex?
I’m giving birth in 2 weeks - me and the dad separated about a month into the pregnancy. He wants to be involved and is ‘excited to be a father’ (although hasn’t done anything in 9 months to prepare as far as I’m aware, I’ve done absolutely everything completely on my own). Despite my opinion that he is a bit of a plonker, it’s very important to me that my daughter knows her father and has a loving / positive relationship with him.
However I really struggle to be around him - he is on the spectrum, our relationship was toxic mostly due to his complete inability to empathise or be in any way intuitive in a relationship, he means well most of the time but is deeply immature and irresponsible. And he basically just gets on my tits, he’s a complete man child, despite being 33 years old.
I have to admit I often feel quite a sense of dread at being tethered to this person forever - we will obviously have to have a relationship but especially in the beginning when she’s with me 99% of the time (custody may change as she gets older and becomes more independent and if he shows me that I can trust him to take care of her on his own, we’ll see) I feel like I’m going to be ratty and impatient with him when I haven’t slept and my tolerance for his bs is extremely low.

Just wondering if any single mums out there have a similar problem - how do you cope with having to have frequent contact with someone that you really don’t like very much and constantly gets your back up?
Deep breaths? Mantras ? Anything, HELP!
What I really want is for our relationship to be easy, and for our daughter not to be exposed to stress and obvious annoyance between us. I’d love to be able to protect her from any of that…… so any strategies for being zen like around him or organising visits / custody in such a way that it’s stress free and smooth would be most most welcome.

Thanks!!

[PeekAtYou]

Is he better behaved when there is a third person around ?

[singlemama85]

Yes @peekatyou he 100% is and actually that has crossed my mind, to try and spend less 1 on 1 time with him and more time with others hovering nearby..... I'm also wondering what affect having a baby to focus on will have. It'll be less focussed on 'us' and more on her, maybe??

[Lovisa85]

Oh dear, I am in the same boat with you. I don't really have an advise or suggestion apart from think about your daughter. You don't want her to feel tension between you two. He will be wanting to be a good father to her I believe but probably not always know how to do that.
You will have to establish the clear rules with your ex about the child's care, playing by air won't work with his condition. Could really help to write things down with him so he can refer to it when needed.
I have been seeing my baby's father for 2 years ( he is also on the spectrum) and when I got pregnant he took the news exceptionally well and was ready to move in with me, however in 2 weeks my dreams having a family with him were shattered to pieces as he completely turned on me and blamed me for getting pregnant without his permission, although he knew I am not using any form of contraception. I was left devastated, 2 months into pregnancy I have to think how not to have a miscarriage from all the stress and anxiety he has caused. I am pretty sure he will appear in my life again when the baby will be due with his rights to be a father...
I would be interested to know more about your relationship, how it went down the hill, as I feel we both have been through very similar experiences, if you don't mind sharing, of course.