Help with let down father

[montyspython]

So, my cousin has a 6 year old son and she spilt with the father when the son was only a few months old.

They never really set up a visitation plan as he gets taken away for work for weeks or maybe a month or 2 with work.
When he is here, he isn't always making their son his priority and is late or cancels the visits.

It really stresses her out, he does pay over the CSA amount would dictate, but he needs to step up his game with actually seeing his son. The fathers family are lovely, but he is just failing.

Should she push for court and visitation orders or are they useless anyway, especially with his work being so unpredictable.
Any advice on how she helps this not upset the child (he's like my nephew) and make my cousin a bit stronger, forceful with her Ex seeing her kid.

she cannot make him. neither can a court

she needs to support her son and not bother pushing contact with the dad else it will end in heartbreak for the poor child.

No offence - if the dad cannot be bothered she needs to stop pushing and realise she is on her own

She cannot force her ex to see his child, obviously. No court will attempt to do so either.

As irritating as it is, she needs to manage her DC's expectations (and her own).

She needs to concentrate on building contact and loving relationships with his fathers family. They seem to want this and that will be beneficial to him.

Her ex may get more involved as her son gets older and more able to chat over face time etc.

This. The sober she realises this the better. If he can't be relied on well don't rely on him.

She needs to decide if no contact or sporadic contact is better for her child

The previous answers are right.

She needs to lower her expectations and decide if no contact is better than a little contact. Even if it ends up with only seeing dad at Xmas, your cousin might decide that's better than not.

I'm very sorry that her son and your cousin have been let down.

Can only echo pp. no one can make a parent step up. And how would the child feel if he was around a parent who didn't want to see him or engage in a meaningful way.

My dad was rubbish we saw him maybe 4/6 times a year. I know who did all the hard work of bringing me up.

The mother just needs to focus on being the best parent she can be and acknowledging his dad is a bit rubbish. Don't lie. The child's feelings need to be validated if he brings it up.

I agree with all of the above.

I used to try and force contact between my child and his dad as that was what I thought my son needed. Also me begging this contact (for no other reason that wanting my son to have both parents) it gave his dad a sense of control over me. Which fueled him to be shit.

Ultimately I realised it was only me who was getting annoyed by this. My son was very young so didn't understand. I soon came to the conclusion that my child does not need anyone who has to be forced to have a relationship with him. I didnt stop the contact but I stopped forcing/begging it.

As much as it was hard it was liberating to give up such a huge thing that was weighing me down. You shouldn't have to beg anyone to be present in their child's life. My focus shifted to rebuilding our life without him and if he wanted to see him then fine, but I haven't had to waste my time and energy to make it happen. Soon I realised he wasn't ever going to make the effort but it was OK as I'd worked through the grief of losing my 'fairytale' idea of a family (foolish I know) and I was able to manage my own expectations as well as my son's and move forward.

Looking back I would never have tolerated sporadic contact. Noway. My child deserved consistency. Thankfully his dad chose to cut off completely so I had no battles. But it really came down to, he didn't want to. As hard as that is to accept. That is the truth. They do not want to.

My son has never really had any emotional attachments to the loss of his father. He has additional needs and is behind in many ways but I am amazed at how well he has handled not having his dad around. He has been raised on the understanding that he does not need anyone who does not see the value of him, and makes the effort to spend time with him. He is wonderfully black and white about things and I love that about him. He knows his dad is the biggest loser in this. His is an amazing boy. The only one who has missed out is his dad! It may seem blunt but when your child gets to the age when he asks 'does my dad love his job more than he loves me because he never sees me' (when he was younger he would come out with some random things but never in a sad way) I didn't want to wrap him in cotton wool and make excuses and tell him his dad did love him. He may do, some way some how, but i cannot answer for someone I no longer know or have any contact with. Which is why I've always told him he doesn't need to worry about why others do things, just remember if people don't make an effort with him then don't waste your energy on them. It's also something that has changed my life massively. I'd give people too many chances. Always held myself responsible when it never was my fault. The moment I adopted the same thinking I have raised my son on I no longer get walked over and the focus is on me and my son.

She needs to build a life just her and her child and let her ex make his own choices. Some people just aren't cut out to be a parent. Dont let that be her problem. Providing financially means nothing. No amount of money will ever come close to being present.

It sounds weird but I really believe our life was meant to be this way. It's hard especially with my child's additional needs but I cannot explain the pride I feel now that we made it though the heartache and he doesn't feel at a disadvantage for not having a dad like all his friends.

She can't force him to see his child. She needs to keep proof she tried to allow the relationship and then stop contacting him.

I gave up after my XP faffing around for 6 months and he hasn't seen them in 13yrs. He has kept on paying maintenance though.

Not in an awful way, but she also resents the fact that the ex gets to live his life while she doesn't have that freedom, so she wants the contact to continue in one way to allow her a break.
Is it time to (as a PP said) times to come to terms with the fact she is better solo than sporadic and she needs to try and get on with it ?

I felt like that too. I dont get a break and I feel awful to admit it's hard, but it is. I dont get a break. It's full on. My time to myself if the car journey to and from work. I don't know who I am anymore other than mother me and work me. I'm mid 30s and that makes me really sad. BUT I'd take this life over the life I would of had with him in it 1,000,000%. I've experienced so much joy and happiness raising my child without wasting my energy on someone who did not care

It sounds to me like she is very much a single mother anyway. There is so much joy to experience doing it

My cousin doesn't work so she gets time on her own in the day while "nephew" is at school, but she just feels like all her DSs free time is spent with her, or for her to organise. He has had the DS a couple of weekend nights recently, but it's so unorganised and she can't make any plans in case he lets her down and it's really frustrates her.

She needs to make her own childcare. My ex was the same. It is an element of control so that you can't make plans and have a social life. They don't want you but they also don't want you getting a life of your own and want you stuck at home with the children.

Yep this is very true!