Is it as hard as I imagine on your own?

[Clockheart]

Been unhappy with DH for a few years. Since pregnancy with DC2.
He's off to school in September so I'm really now beginning to weigh up my options. DH has said he will move out for an interim period whilst the house is sold, we will then split the equity and go our separate ways.

He's very hands on practically so i worry how I'll cope running a home on my own. The children will go to him at his parents' house for 2 overnights and a weekend day and one evening a week.
I have an autoimmune condition which means I'm exhausted if I don't get adequate breaks and rest. Now and again, I have to take myself to bed at 5pm (maybe once every 8 weeks) because I literally run out of energy.

We live in a fairly large house with 5 rooms downstairs, 2 bathrooms upstairs and 4 bedrooms. I am worried that I'll spend all of my free time when the children are with their Dad, cleaning and tidying. I work part-time (4 days) so I will atleast have one day each week to do chores when they're at school, but there won't be much rest. Will I just spend all of my free time cleaning and organising?

At the moment I also swim twice a week and I'm worried about still scheduling that in too.

DH is very hands on during family days out and holidays. How do you cope with family days out on your own and holidays?

Is it worth all the extra work and exhaustion for me to initiate our separation/divorce?

Prior to the DCs dad moving out, I had the exact same thoughts as you, how would I cope? How could I possibly do all the fun stuff and all the cleaning whilst being a “good parent” too.

Then I realised I was actually doing most of it anyway.

Things have changed since then for me, he’s not once had the DC over night and he hasn’t seen them at all since December 2020, he only
saw them 4 times between March and December 20!

It was hard initially, knowing everything from cleaning to keeping them fed, safe and happy was on me. We very quickly got in to a routine and made a whole new normal for us.

I’ve gone on to meet someone else since, who does join us on days out every now and then. Things will get easier and settle down for you too.

I'm still with my husband but I find it easier to parent and do things when he's at work or away working, so much easier an less stressful and we get along haha so yea you'll be just fine. Your doing more then you realise anyway xx

I've done the majority of parenting all my child's life, and completely solo since January 2016.

I have a shit ex, thankfully we weren't married, so I have nothing to compare to when having another responsible parent involved however...
The thought of doing it completely alone still daunted me as I had to accept it was just going to be me to take on the weight of absolutely everything with no hope of support.

Looking back, I always did everything myself around the house and with our child, but at the time I only really focused on the time he did spend with his child as I foolishly held on to this fairytale idea of us having a perfect family life (was never ever ever going to happen).

Sorry I am unable to give a perspective from a marriage ending point of view. But what I will say is nothing is more scary than the thought of living your life unhappy. Nothing is worth sticking at for that! I was beyond miserable. I never would have harmed myself, I idolise my child, but I was ill and the most miserable I have ever been because of that man. When I found the courage to leave I had reached a point where I was terrified to have to live a life that unhappy. The first 9 months of my son's life I hated. Not because of this beautiful baby boy always beaming at me but because of the man I had chosen to have my child with. Life is short but it's too long when you are unhappy. I also didn't want my child to grow up with a miserable Mom.

When he disappeared I mourned the loss of the fairytale family I had dreamed of, but it was freeing being rid of him.

Your husband sounds like he will remain focused on the children so you need to make a change for you.

Change is scary but it's an opportunity to start a new journey. I'm not going to say it's been easy but it is so rewarding. You will love how empowered you feel.

But if you are unhappy it's time to make the change. Embrace the unknown, the struggles. I am a million times the woman now. I am proud of my growth since going it alone. That fear will also fuel your desire to succeed.

But what I've learned since is, you don't have to get as unhappy as I did to move on. The moment you accept you are unhappy is definitely when you need to start changing that

Thank you.
He was away this weekend and I found it so tough! I was really snappy with the children as it felt like constant hard work and ingratitude for it from then.
Like how do you get all the jobs done: cook meals, load and unlaod dishwasher, sweep up, wipe up, tidy up AND spend quality time with them?
We did go out but I didn't enjoy it on my own as they kept asking for things and complaining that their legs were hurting on a walk which wasn't that long. I took them out for dinner one night which was a big success as they finally got my undivided attention and I got to sit down, but I know this can't be a regular thing due to expense.

They also slept with me in my bed which wasn't the biggest help- I slept terribly so felt like they were constantly with me. And there's the squabbling, the incessant squabbling, I was really fed up by the end and cried to H when he got home. Made me feel like a failure.

But what I will say is nothing is more scary than the thought of living your life unhappy

I just wanted to echo this.

In my case I was in a very abusive marriage, it ended when my 3 DC were 2, 4 & 6.

I'm not going to sugar coat it - it was very hard and it still is.

Not (for me) in a practical sense, as I did pretty much everything before. But even as a second pair of hands - I'd to bring all 3 kids everywhere, no option to leave them behind to nip to the shops or being one to an activity.

Now that they are older, the lack of financial support (he contributes but not much) and being interested in the DC lives is the hardest. Every decision rests on me.

But - nothing is worse than being in an unhappy relationship that you don't want to be in.

You will cope. This weekend wasn't indicative, you'll get used to it.

As you have the additional challenge of an auto-immune condition, you need to factor in support that will help you eg getting a cleaner. Have you family support?

I promise, the thought of everything is harder than the reality. But it is hard.

Good luck 💐

No, it's easier being on your own. You make all the rules, you have full control of finances, you don't have to consider another adult in family life. It's much easier than being in a couple.

P.s OP. Unloading the dishwasher takes 2 minutes tops. It's not hard.

I found it hard @orangeisthenewpuce it seemed to take ages to put everything away inbetween splitting up their squabbles and trying to make breakfast on very little sleep.

Let them squabble. Do what you've got to do and ignore them. That way you get jobs done, then you can spend time with them. I was on my own with mine from when they were 2 and 3 until they were adults. Here's what I found useful. We got out of the house every day, not things you had to pay for because I had no money but went to parks, for walks etc. it filled in time and tired them out. I was strict. They knew what the consequences were if they misbehaved and I always stuck to my word. They were never allowed in my bed, I needed my sleep good luck. You can do it.

Easier. So much so I ‘ve never moved my now husband in.

You are still measuring things as if he were living with you. You don’t need to clean and tidy unless you actually want to. There’s no other adult coming home expecting a tidy house or meal. I’m not saying let the house go to the dogs but if you don’t sweep or unload the dishwasher that night - who cares.

The weekend was an extension of this really. You don’t need to recreate the things you do when you have another adult around. Build massive living room camps, go for shorter but more interesting walks that don’t require drinks and snacks; do stuff other adults wouldn’t appreciate but makes sense to the kids.

You’ll be ok. You might even enjoy it!

It is hard, there's no getting away from that. But you find your own ways and strategies to cope, organisation is the key. But I still find it hard, too tired to do much when he's at his dad's. Days out, birthdays etc not easy. BUT if it's so worth it if you are in an unhappy relationship. I'd rather be finding it hard on my own than my sole gradually being distroyed in an relationship that's not working x

*soul not sole lol

I'm really pleased you wrote this post. I'm out of a long term abusive relationship for 5 weeks and I'm struggling. I have 1 DS, almost 3 and I don't have the condition you do. You sound like you're doing really well. Better than I have.
Would down sizing be an option? If you like the house clean for YOU. If it's just to please others, don't worry. Just do as you can. Or hire a cleaner? Any family or friends who can help? For days out could you invite another parent, kids can play together and you can both work as a team. Could you cut swimming to once a week? Use some of the child free time to rest?
Don't be so hard on yourself. You can do this.

I think it's your support network that counts here. You could have a rubbish ex who's not been involved but have 1 or 2 family members that make all the difference and can do the school run or baby sit for you. Its hard!

I would also add that looking after the kids on your own for a bit is nothing like actually being on your own. As someone else has said it's all the little things like not being able to pop out without taking them, pop out in the evening, and all the things your partner does do even if it doesn't seem like much at the time. Mowing the lawn, sorting out the car, shopping, helping when you have guests etc etc, I think people underestimate how hard it is on your own as they think they do most of it anyway, but the reality is quite different. Still better than being in a unhappy relationship though, just a lot of work x

Tbh, from everything you've said, why are you not considering that their father is their primary caregiver post split and you the part time parent, so that you can focus on managing things well for shorter periods with the children, given how hard you obviously find parenting?

Fwiw, I struggle to understand why so many parents seem to struggle with basic parenting alone, often even for short periods. However, @Clockheart at least you recognise that you struggle with it and life management in general, so can mitigate this by not becoming the pcg post split or by remaining in the marriage.

Me personally, after a year or so post split I found it much easier. Fell into a decent routine and it is just the norm for me. My DC dad has no contact and does not support financially. The first year was hard while I was emotionally recovering but now, I see the benefits everywhere. I do what I want, when I want. We go where I want to go. If I want to go out, I organise my babysitter and I go. No asking a partner or getting grief for it. I recently went on a girls weekend and it drove me insane how the others were constantly texting their partners and moaning about how mardy they will be when they get home. Nah, not for me at all. Look for the positives and the rest will just fall into place.

I’m sorry you are in an unhappy relationship and hope you find a way to move forward.

You won’t actually be doing it on your own though. You’ve already said he will have shared custody and presumably he will also contribute financially. That makes a huge difference compared to doing everything alone, being responsible for the children all the time and having no additional financial support.

You’d need to factor in that if you’re the PCR, your ex might decide not to have the DC every week. I agree with @ChoiceMummy, if you find it that hard for one weekend by yourself, you might be better off with your ex as the pgc then at least you know you get a break every week.

The thought of being on your own looking after DC is worse than the reality when you are in an unhappy relationship. I felt a huge sense of relief when I left my EXDP, particularly as I was doing the vast majority of it all anyway. EXDP thought if he washed up his own plate that meant he'd done all the washing up, meanwhile I was washing up numerous times a day after 4 or 5 people (if DSS was with us that weekend). No longer having to walk on tiptoes around his moods, or wonder what nasty thing he'd say to me next was a wonderful feeling.

Try not to build up "being on your own" into a great big thing. Break it down into bite size chunks in a day to day basis, and it'll all become much more manageable. If finances permit, get a weekly cleaner so at least you have a couple of days a week where the house looks tip top, if that will help with not feeling too overwhelmed.

In terms of how much time your DC spend living with each of you, perhaps look at starting off with a 50/50 arrangement, either 7/7 or if you think that might be too much for you given your condition, perhaps try 3/3/4/4 across each fortnight. Bear in mind that you'll get a much reduced maintenance, if any, on a 50/50 arrangement, so you'll need to consider how that will affect your finances.

Good luck!