Maintenance guilt

NML2000 · 2022-04-24T18:46:07+00:00

Hey, I just need advice I’m so conflicted I have a big conscience so rubbish at standing up for myself. Me and my ex split a year ago and we have since sold out house and I’ve been lucky enough to buy a new place. I work part time around childcare and the dad id supposed to have child every Friday night till Sunday night, and I get one Saturday a month although this year has been a mess and I’ve had child more weekends and had to take unpaid dependency. Right now we are perfectly fine the only issue is maintenance. I don’t want to go to cps because it know they will take a lot. I’ve seen on a 20k job I could get £150 per month but he earns more than this. Issue is he only wants to pay £50 a month stating he can’t afford it. He would rather me Ask when I’m getting something for her and he will send but I don’t want to chase for money. If he won’t pay would you just go to cps? Trying not to rock the boat but I need to get this moving I’ve been trying to sort this out for months

Danikm151 · 24/04/2022 19:48

Go to CMS. Ask for direct payment. £15 is way less than what he would be paying towards your child and household if he were with you.

you having to ask for money towards things is a form of control over you.

girlmom21 · 24/04/2022 19:51

You shouldn’t have to go cap in hand when your child needs something. You should be able to provide it without having to ask - and it’s his responsibility to provide the means for you to do so.

Was he controlling when you were together?

I’d got via CMS if he’s not self employed.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 24/04/2022 19:52

The CPS is the bare minimum, it in no way covers what children actually cost. Prioritise your child's life over your ex partners.

RandomMess · 24/04/2022 19:54

CMS is the bare legal minimum a decent parent will also contribution to their activities and school costs.

You don't have the option to not pay for xyz because you can't afford it.

Hwory · 24/04/2022 20:05

Go to CMS. £50/£150 per month is pathetic.

Asking when your getting something is pathetic and controlling. CM isn’t just when your buying shoes etc it’s also for the general costs of having a child.

You shouldn’t feel guilty for trying to get proper support from your child’s other parent.

Original poster

NML2000 · 24/04/2022 20:11

Thanks for the fast replies! I know everyone is right. I would t say he was controlling to me personally in the relationship but really hates not getting g his own way. He did say he won’t pay that so I want to make sure he can’t di fun things with her on a weekend to go to cps, he knows I’m a sympathetic person and feel bad about things. We don’t do without with what money I get but any extra would be a big help especially with summer around the corner and nursery isn’t open . Thank you for putting my mind at peace though about doing it

OP posts:

RandomMess · 24/04/2022 20:34

Him doing the fun things doesn't feed and clothe her does it.

Go via the CMS as he sounds the sort of bloke that will withhold money to punish you as and when he likes.

Needanewadventure2021 · 24/04/2022 21:00

CMS is bare minimum. I'm supposed to get £150 a month. It covers nothing.
Him wanting to pay you £50 a month. That made me angry. He is taking the piss. Do not let him. The CMS are crap in my opinion however you will find your child is entitled to more than £50 a month.
I love the 'I cant afford it'. Yet somehow the resident parent has no choice but to afford everything somehow.

unicornsarereal72 · 25/04/2022 20:28

So you continue to go without and get by to provide all that your child needs whilst he gets to do jollies and have money in his pocket.

It took both of you to make that child you should both be providing for her. And the minimum CMS doesn't even touch the sides.

He should happily ensure you have enough to feed clothe and keep your child warm. And have enriched quality of life. My kids do scouts and swimming as we agreed they were good for their well being.

Ex left me. And I was happy to take the hit but I will do my utmost so that the children have as full life as possible. Sadly my ex doesn't feel the same and does his utmost to ensure he isn't paying his way

It is not optional. Take a step back. My ex was the same it was about control so I had to ask him for money. And I also had no spare money for me to any kind of social life of my own. It kept me in my place. He could play the big man by telling whoever All i do is chase him for money etc.

It was a massive falling out when I went to the CMS. He was fuming. I took his control away. I also no longer had to have a conversation about money with him. If he kicked off I told him to take it to the CMS. It was out of my hands. He still refused to pay so it went to deductions of earnings. He went self employed and moved etc. That's fine. It is quietly building up and at some point in the next 10 years it will catch up with him. I hope.

Don't give him the control or the option. This is money for his child. It is the least he can do.

Original poster

NML2000 · 03/05/2022 20:35

I have told my ex I am going to have to go through proper channels as he refuses to pay the amount I would of been happy with. He’s said he would pay £50 a month and then i can have him for more whenever I want if I need it because he wants to know what I’m spending and I’ve told him that’s not happening. We’re not together he doesn’t get to watch what I spend. It’s gotten to the point I’m now being hounded by txt and him threatening to take me to court and appeal it and everything which has really upset me. I’m still going ahead I want to make sure my child comes first and if I have to deal with his temper I’ll have to do that

OP posts:

flashpaper · 03/05/2022 20:43

NML2000 · 03/05/2022 20:35

I have told my ex I am going to have to go through proper channels as he refuses to pay the amount I would of been happy with. He’s said he would pay £50 a month and then i can have him for more whenever I want if I need it because he wants to know what I’m spending and I’ve told him that’s not happening. We’re not together he doesn’t get to watch what I spend. It’s gotten to the point I’m now being hounded by txt and him threatening to take me to court and appeal it and everything which has really upset me. I’m still going ahead I want to make sure my child comes first and if I have to deal with his temper I’ll have to do that

No solicitor worth their salt would take on a non-resident parent who is taking the resident parent to court because the NRP didn't want to pay the minimum required maintenance. He'd be laughed out of the office, it would never even make it to court. Do not worry about that one inch.

Fuuuuuckit · 03/05/2022 20:44

NML2000 · 03/05/2022 20:35

I have told my ex I am going to have to go through proper channels as he refuses to pay the amount I would of been happy with. He’s said he would pay £50 a month and then i can have him for more whenever I want if I need it because he wants to know what I’m spending and I’ve told him that’s not happening. We’re not together he doesn’t get to watch what I spend. It’s gotten to the point I’m now being hounded by txt and him threatening to take me to court and appeal it and everything which has really upset me. I’m still going ahead I want to make sure my child comes first and if I have to deal with his temper I’ll have to do that

I suspect you're about to find out that his income is CONSIDERABLY more than you think.

Absolutely go to CMS. When I did I found out my ex had had a pay rise over 6 years before that he'd not declared, and I was gutted that he'd screwed his kids over for years.

The money is for the kids. His kids. Make a claim. Retake the control.

unicornsarereal72 · 03/05/2022 21:04

See it for what it is a big tantrum. He can't get his own way. So is now throwing out threats and bullying tactics to get his own way.

Ignore it all. Do not engage with him at all about this now. Tell him to talk to the CMS if he doesn't agree with the calculations. And do not say anything else.

Put the call in tomorrow as it does not get backed dated. What sort of man want to give £50 a month toward the care and needs of their child?

PeekAtYou · 05/05/2022 09:54

Ignore the tantrum. He knows he's been taking advantage of you and is mad that you've sussed him out.

He clearly has no idea how much a solicitor costs and is trying to scare you. Somebody quibbling over an extra £100pm isn't going to be able to afford a solicitor and your dd is legally entitled to that money. If he lived with her full time he'd be spending more than £50 pm on her.

I suspect he earns more than £20k and doesn't want you to know. Btw this is financial abuse and majorly pathetic

Norush4 · 05/05/2022 18:28

Does your ex do every weekend OP Friday till Sunday??

Berthatydfil · 05/05/2022 18:34

That’s barely £10 a week -he’s just taking the piss.

caringcarer · 05/05/2022 19:40

When I divorced first husband for cheating he was furious with me, especially as I refused to run our joint business with him anymore and judge ordered either he buy me out or it get sold. He used to try to control and punish me by not paying maintenance for our 2 youngest children who were 15 and 7. I went to child maintenance and they set how much he had to pay. It was about 17 years ago now but they made him pay me £450 pcm for 2 children then later when just youngest child £350 pcm. He never paid any extra, refused to pay towards expensive school trips etc. Eldest son has not spoken to him for about 12 years when he found out exh refused to pay in December for youngest son because he was going on a skiing holiday and told me I would have to wait until he could afford it. Don't let him wriggle out of providing for your DC. He should want to look after them not resent it. Not allen are mean though. When my nephew divorced his wife he always paid her more than minimum every month and paid for his dd dancing lessons and half of all clothing from school uniform, shoes to going out clothes, and school trips too. He has a wonderful relationship with his daughter and on good terms with exw too.