Am I a failure in life?

[Peacelily94]

Hi, just feeling sorry for myself really. Sitting here reflecting on my life and how it has gone so badly wrong and whether it will ever get better. I am a 27 year old single parent to a 5 year old, no involvement from child's father whatsoever. I used to be so career driven and ambitious and financially stable but feel like the life has been sucked out of me being a single parent and always worrying about money/penny pinching. I find it hard to juggle full time work and home life so I work part time 25 hours on a low wage, which just makes going to uni feel like a waste of my time as I do not work in the field (studied law, work in the civil service). I'm trying to slowly save so I can buy a house as currently stuck in a horrible flat in a horrible area. Have managed to save about 9k/10k in around 2 years but feels like nowhere near enough when I look at house prices even though Midlands is fairly cheap, plus probably wouldn't get a mortgage on my pt income. No family support so pretty much just us. Sorry to be a moaner as I know there are people way worse off but I suppose I want to know if I'm being too hard on myself and has anyone been in a similar situation and managed to turn their life around and how?

Have you checked your getting all benefits you're entitled to?

Well done on that saving that's better than most do. Shows you are determined already, Have you considered Shared Ownership?

Life just gets easier as your child gets older and less dependent on you. You'll have more energy to put into taking courses/ getting promotion or a different job. Don't despair. Many of us have been where you are.

juat saw this on active threads- am sure people will be along with some better responses- but I wanted to say that you are absolutely not a failure. You are bringing up a child single-handed, working to support you both and even managing to save. You have an impressive education and even if you’re not using your degree now, you have it forever and can use it in future. Being a lone parent can be incredibly hard but it sounds as if you are doing brilliantly at it.

Also you’re really young- when I was a trainee solicitor there were people training with me aged 35+. Plenty of time to pursue the career of your dreams if that’s what you want to do.

I'm sure you're doing an amazing job OP, don't put yourself down. You're working, raising a child on your own, saving hard. I know you said no real family around, but have you got a supportive group of friends?

It will get easier. I am also a lone parent to a 10yr old. Father no contact since he was about 10mths old due to DV and he just went off and had 4 other kids with his OW. Has never bothered with his firstborn since. I had my own flat but money was hard with me doing it all and oating nursery fees. I scraped by and worked hard in my job, climbed the ladder and earn really well. About to move into a proper house with a garden soon.

One slight regret is I never asked for help from anyone (although parents and friends helpful and supportive), never asked for diy help at home so struggled doing stuff and learning how to fix things (some things badly ha), Ive never been on a date again or really looked after myself as I didn't want to ask anyone to babysit etc. I think I run myself ragged and now it's caught up with me/I've realised 😅

So my big advice is to look after you too! Your child is always first but do cater to your needs and make sure you create a life now for yourself as well as your little one. You are so young at 27 and life is not over by any means, its just starting.

Thank you for you're lovely comments. It has really helped to give me some perspective. I guess I probably am being too hard on myself and probably guilty of comparing myself to others my age who seem to have it all: house, car, relationship, great job, social life etc. Sometimes I just wonder will it ever happen for me or will I be stuck in this tiny flat in a crime ridden area struggling to make ends meet forever. Terrified of what could become of my boy if I don't show him a better way.

Pretty sure I'm getting all the help I can with UC, just a contribution to my rent and that's it, luckily don't have to pay for childcare anymore as I work school hours

Yes I have been looking at Shared ownership a lot recently as it seems like something I could maybe do in the next few years but they are still really expensive and I'm scared I wouldn't be able to afford to staircase or even get the mortgage for the initial share

My goodness that's a phenomenal amount to have saved! I wish I had the discipline to have saved that much, truly! Please don't ignore that achievement because it's a really incredible one as a lone parent and on a part time wage!

I'm also a single parent, the father is around but can't be relied on. Sometimes he's brilliant and takes the children (we have two) when he supposed to, and, sometimes, like all of last year, he doesn't. Definitely a Disney dad. It's hard and you are doing a really difficult job so don't do yourself down. Right now you are doing whatever you need to do to get through. As your child gets older it will get easier. Your degree won't always be a waste if you don't want it to be. I had a real 'career crisis' a couple of months ago when I got signed off and realised I just couldn't do the big huge full time 'dream' job I'd been wanting to do for so long. A very wise friend pointed out to me that I still had the skills and talent and they weren't going anywhere, I just needed to do something less stressful for now until my kids were older. She also pointed out that my kids wouldn't need the level of childcare they need at the moment forever-it genuinely hadn't really clicked for me that at some point they wouldn't need meeting after school or an adult present for a couple of hours in the evening and how much that would free me up! It will be the same for you.

Seriously. You're doing great. Your child is still little and still needs a lot of care. It's hard with two parents at this age and you're doing it on your own. Give yourself a break and congratulate yourself on not only getting through each day but doing such an incredible job of saving up! Your time will come I promise

This made me cry 😭 I'm really happy that you have a success story though, well done! Exactly the kind of thing I needed to hear.

I too am guilty of not asking for help, especially with babysitting. No friends really, but I do have family they are just not the most supportive with helping me out, but I could and should still ask. I just really hate asking, and when they make it seem like a huge favour or I get the impression that they don't want to help I just go into defence mode and say don't bother - not gonna have anyone 'tolerating' my child sorry. Still working on my pride haha

Even though I'm still a bit young, I honestly don't feel it but you are right, I should take care of myself too and not let the years pass me by. Thank you for your kind words 🤗

Do you think so? Sometimes I feel proud of myself for saving and sticking to it but then sometimes I look at what others have saved and it feels like pennies. I know I shouldn't compare but I can't help it. Thank you for the encouragement though, I should definitely feel more proud and feel a sense of achievement.

You're right, sometimes I forget that he will get older and sort of need me less and I can increase hours/earnings etc

Thank you for the kind words. I'm sure you are doing a great job too 🤗

One more important thing I've learnt - it is in your child's best interests that you get help and support for your own needs - that would not be selfish.

The better place you are in, the better place they will be in.

I hear your cries. I am 27 yo. Cried on a phone to my mum (she lives 1000km away if you take a plane from the UK) couple of days ago about not having a car, own house, complete family or a husband. 😁 She knows I am into maths, so she gave me a little exercise. Write down all the people from elementary school and high school on a paper, or people same age you know. I wrote down around 60 people. Than think of those who have all those things you mentioned or you think they have more than you. 9. That’s 15% of the whole group. So starting in those 85% as a 27 yo and with a child is not a failure to me anymore. We don’t tend to focus on those 85% as much. Now I know for sure many more of those 85% are more lost in life than me. Coming out of UNI, living with parents and never experienced the wild adult life or responsibility. I of course feel like the competition is still high. You want to live well of course and with a child not worry about landlords kicking you out, taking your child to a hospital in a taxi, having someone to talk to and be intimate with every night, but then I thought also of those 9 people, and I cannot really say from their social media if they are truly happy. If it lasts. If the house is not on an enormous mortgage and if something happens with their jobs they could also lose their house. Or their leased cars. Not wishing it to them of course. But it made me realise how silly it is to worry and how important is to enjoy the process of doing things. Like you saving that beautiful amount. You now know you would be able to repeat it. You did it! Not a failure to me!

OP
How does the system for training as a solicitor work where you are? Could you do part of it - some exams - by studying remotely, in your own time?
It's possible in some countries.