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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What do you guys do?

40 replies

pinguthepenguin · 09/01/2008 19:30

Some of you already know me from other threads I've started.
Basically my exp left when our baby was born, she's now 6mo, he sees her reguarly, pays for her etc.

He has started this thing recently where, is he buys her something (clothing, toys etc) or anyone from his family buys her anything- he keeps it at his house, where she gets little enjoyment out of them. I've said not one word about this, just letting him get on with it. I saw none of the presents his family bought her for xmas, and its annoying, but I refused to say anything

Tonight he drops her back to me after having her overnight, with a new outfit on. He tells me his friends bought her 'a load' of new clothes, and that he would keep them at his house. I dont rise to the bait...keep quiet about it- even gave him some essentials to keep at his house that he was running low on ( vests sleepsuits etc).

As he leaves, he turns around and says ' put that new outfit back on her when I come to pick her up next time'.

'Why'? I ask
'So she'll ahve it at mine again', he replies.

I couldn't believe it. I wont be drawn into this level of pettiness and control. So I told him I didn't understand where he was coming from. He raised his voice and told me to stop being awkward. I maintained that I didn't understand the need to tell me how to dress her, that I didnt tell him how to dress her. He shouted something, then stormed off.

He did this in front of his sister, who came to visit. I was embarrassed that they witnessed this level of pettiness over our childs possessions.

I cant stand that this is how its going to be for the next 18 years. Anyone have this? What do I do?

OP posts:

nametaken · 10/01/2008 14:18

oh and another thing

It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it.

If he want's something he needs to learn to ask for it nicely, not demand it.

ivykaty44 · 10/01/2008 14:21

Hand him "the" clothes in a plastic bag and dress your dd in whatever you want on her next visit - end of.

mummyofaprincess · 10/01/2008 14:27

ivykaty44 is right pingu, i would do that aswell

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 10/01/2008 22:16

probably a good idea ivykate.

The thing is, the man is so desperate to 'prove' to himself and his family that he really did the right thing by leaving his newborn and me, that he will perpetrate any argument he can, in the hope that i'll bite. Apart from that- he is, to put it mildly 'an old fucking woman', and has an opinion about the most petty aspects of her care, that most men are more than happy to leave up to the mummy.

I just wish he would leave me alone, dealing with him on this level is so disheartening. He has put me through enough shit over the last 4 months and he doesnt need to rub it in. Fighting me about clothes and toys, simply because they've been bought by him is awful, and something my child will pick up on if he isnt stopped.

OP posts:

noranora · 11/01/2008 07:53

hi,
he is acting immature, maybe thats because its early days.
he will grow out of it, but atm you have the right to say what you think so he can understand how you feel about it.
x

mistressmiggins · 11/01/2008 08:05

I used to get stressed over packing clothes for the weekend for my DCs....then hed return them damp and sometimes shrink them

a friend advised me to give him a bag full of clothes so that he had them at his permanently. I now dont send anything with the children - not even coats.

that way the children dont feel like htey are going on holiday or visiting.
this yr all the xmas presents from his family went to his house too

I get all the bday presents though

it works for me - I feel less stressed not having dirty/damp washing or wondering why he hasnt brought back a new item I have bought.

I was naughty the other month - my DD went in a lovely new outfit Id bought and it didnt come back because hed washed it with some jeans and it had run!!
so I let my DS do some painting in the top he was wearing which was one of exhs....

trouble is, the dress has come back without a stain but I cant get the paint out the top & exH has asked for it back this weekend

ivykaty44 · 11/01/2008 10:22

It funny but the years have passed and now the ex's family send all the b/day and exmas presents to my house so that they know the presents will be played with, clothes worn etc 90% of the time. As when they were delivered to the ex place they had to stay there and went unused.

Yet I have never said a word to the family, it is obviuosly how they see things and didn't like wasting money on toys that wouldn't be played with or clothes that wouldn't be worn.

Tinkerbel6 · 11/01/2008 10:30

I think its pathetic, everyone knows how quick children grown out of clothes so whats the point of holding on to clothing that is only going to be worn once a week, pingu next time he mentions the outfits just say oh its your money that gets wasted cause she wont get the wear out of it. My friend's ex inlaws do that and my friend has come to the conclusion they do it to dress her up like a doll with girly pink clothes and hair clips just to show off

mummyofaprincess · 11/01/2008 15:59

pingu my ex has said to me when he moves into his house monday DD will have her own room with her own bed and her own toys.

So i think my xp will do the same thing aswell and i`m feeling a little for DD as she will want to bring these toys home as i know what shes like and xp wont allow that!

I do feel for you so much, this must be very hard, i am now thinking that my DD will get the same treatment as your DD

I think when your DD is older she will tell him she doesn`t want to get dressed again and that she wants her toys at home, but i know your DD is only 6 month old so it is a long way off

I do think he`s doing this to get to you and he is pathetic!!

Do you think this will get worse from now on? I hope he grows up real soon, i dont see the point of buying your DD clothes if shes only going to wear them for a few hours then there put back in the wardrobe till next week, its just a waste!!

Men make me so

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 11/01/2008 17:26

Thanks guys-

The thing is- I'm not the kind of person who can be dealing with this level of pettiness of the next 18years. He is the one who left us fr another woman, he is one (and her) who behaved badly, yet he is the one who is acting like the injured party and keeping split lives for our child. Do you know what though? I just know I cant live my life like this- the hostility, the bad feeling, the sniping, the comments. I'm standing in front of a man who I've created a child with, who I once adored, who's well-being I still care abiut despite his behaviour and I know I cant carry on the way we are.

It has been a very painful breakup, with myself and my child coming out the worst. The thing is, every time we have a row I still come out the worst because I'm more sensitive than him to these things. It isnt that I'm a wall flower- just take things more to heart than him. I've decided that I cant spend 3 days crying or feeling upset everytime we have a spat. The reason we are having spats is because of the bad feeling surrounding our split- so I will do what I always did when we were together: I will offer an olive branch. I will ask him to stop this, and to try to get along with me for the sake of our child.
I will admit to being defensive and to being petty at times and I will explain that its because I'm still hurt. I will explain that I wish him no unhappiness for his future and that we should just try to be good parents.

Doing this will kill me and my sense of pride, because he is the one who has behaved badly- but as I said, I always come out the worst of these rows, so if I clear the air, let him think I've com'come to my senses', letting go, etc - then I'm going to feel better in the long run, arent I?
It's a little bit of 'damage limitation' if you like.

OP posts:

neva · 11/01/2008 18:34

Just to say, I sympathise. I think a lot of us at times feel a sense of despair at the thought of having to deal with unreasonable exs for years to come. However, as your child gets older, the need to communicate may reduce - which would be a good thing if communication is negative and upsetting for you. (Obviously it is better if parents can talk, but in some cases eg where one is very controlling,that's unrealistic).

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 11/01/2008 19:25

She's only 6mo neva- I can see no end to this for a very lonf time to come

OP posts:

jellyjelly · 12/01/2008 19:25

I completely understand where you are coming from. My x has special stuff for his house and makes it very clear that he wants his stuff back everytime something comes to my house. I dont often get the stuff back but he wants his. It is petty, its drives me nuts, he tries to steal our stuff from our house still - 18 months on and he tried to steal our own sons toys too.

Some men are petty and yes i think that with us it will always happen.

mistressmiggins · 12/01/2008 19:27

my DD (3) wanted to take some of her dolls this weekend but I had to say no as I know if I do, ex will forget them.

she says the dolls at his are babyish - well he'll have to redress this if thats the case

I suspect the reason she wanted to take these certain dolls is that they belong to my DP's DD(10) and so she is enjoying having them to herself til they get back from their skiing holiday

lottymadbird · 14/01/2008 14:04

tell him not to dress her in something he doesn't want left at your house. dress her in what you want and give the outfit back to him in a plastic bag.

small measure of you having control?

petty victory?

maybe. but sometimes it helps !!!

good luck.

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