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Original poster

What do you guys do?

40 replies

pinguthepenguin · 09/01/2008 19:30

Some of you already know me from other threads I've started.
Basically my exp left when our baby was born, she's now 6mo, he sees her reguarly, pays for her etc.

He has started this thing recently where, is he buys her something (clothing, toys etc) or anyone from his family buys her anything- he keeps it at his house, where she gets little enjoyment out of them. I've said not one word about this, just letting him get on with it. I saw none of the presents his family bought her for xmas, and its annoying, but I refused to say anything

Tonight he drops her back to me after having her overnight, with a new outfit on. He tells me his friends bought her 'a load' of new clothes, and that he would keep them at his house. I dont rise to the bait...keep quiet about it- even gave him some essentials to keep at his house that he was running low on ( vests sleepsuits etc).

As he leaves, he turns around and says ' put that new outfit back on her when I come to pick her up next time'.

'Why'? I ask
'So she'll ahve it at mine again', he replies.

I couldn't believe it. I wont be drawn into this level of pettiness and control. So I told him I didn't understand where he was coming from. He raised his voice and told me to stop being awkward. I maintained that I didn't understand the need to tell me how to dress her, that I didnt tell him how to dress her. He shouted something, then stormed off.

He did this in front of his sister, who came to visit. I was embarrassed that they witnessed this level of pettiness over our childs possessions.

I cant stand that this is how its going to be for the next 18 years. Anyone have this? What do I do?

OP posts:
TheHerdNerd · 09/01/2008 19:35

Maybe he wants her to have nice stuff at his house, so that she also sees that as "home"? This is what my father did, too - he wanted us to feel like his house was our house as well, and it really helped.

If all of her stuff is at your house, she may feel like his place is just somewhere she goes to visit. Or he may feel that.

dooley1 · 09/01/2008 19:37

It doesn't sound that odd to me but obviously as she gets older se will dictate where she wants her stuff so he will have to get used to that.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 09/01/2008 19:46

Dont you think its possessive?

I completely understand that he wants her to have things at his house. I encourage that- even give him lots of stuff to keep there, and if things I've bought her dont come back for a while- or at al- I certainly dont kick up a fuss. But why tell me to dress her in an outfit, simply because his friends bought it and so that it will eventually remain back at his house?. Its pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 09/01/2008 19:48

And why start a fight about it?

OP posts:
TheHerdNerd · 09/01/2008 19:56

I don't think it's pathetic - I think he's just trying to create a home that is distinct from your home and your world.

I can see that my dad was trying to have his time with us be his time - and we had clothes at his house and clothes at my mum's house, and the two were different. He probably finds it very hard to have her over there and be continuously reminded that you're far more "in" her life than he is, and this is a way of mitigating that.

And you're the one who read "pettiness and control" into this and told him so, so he got defensive. I think he's just trying to have dad's house and mum's house.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 09/01/2008 20:00

but I woudnt dream of telling him to dress her in a particualr outfit. He didnt ask me to, politely. He told me to. He has her one day a week at his, I see no need to have this level of divide.

Yes, I undertand that he wants to create a home for her, but to actually tell me what to dress her in, simply because the outfit was bought by a friend of his? I cant stand being ordered abut like that, and I wouldnt dream of telling him what to dress her in.

OP posts:
Hadassah · 09/01/2008 20:07

Exactly, Pingu - what strikes me as inappropriate is the tone is which the request was made and the subsequent shouting and storming off. People come to different arrangements; it seems to me that there more of a difficulty here with your ex'x interpersonal skills. Practical things can all be sorted out provided those involved can behave like adults and have a sensible discussion; your ex sounds like someone who might need some limit-setting around verbal abuse (I mean the shouting). The tricky thing is to get to a point where everyone can be more or less civil to each other; everything else will work out. Sounds like you are way ahead of him, unfortunately.

massivebigpantsface · 09/01/2008 20:08

I can understand that its attitude that is the most annoying thing about this, but I think it is obviously him that is the one who has the problem - let him get on with it. Yes he may be being petty, but I'm sure it won't last. Try not to rise to him, as I'm sure you feel that it is dd that is the important one and as long as she is ok then that is all that matters right now.
I have had some similar problems with my 'd'h who I sepearted from a few weeks before Christmas. Its still early days, and things are still obviously a bit strained for you both but I am sure you will not have to deal with this sort of behaviour throughout dd's childhood.
Smile through it and hold your head high

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 09/01/2008 20:14

Probably Hadassah. The split is all very recent, and the baby v.young, so I dont want this to set the standard for the future to come. I hate the idea of a split life for my child- but have accepted that it has happened. What I dont like is the petty dictating over things like clothing, simply because iit has been bought by friends of his. He wouldnt usually give a hoot what she wears, and rarely buys her any himself- this is simply an issue of 'who bought what'.
I had to remind him to tonight, when he was unpacking her changing bag, and referring to clothing bought by me as 'yours' and ones bought by him (his family) as 'his'- that actually - they belonged to our child, not us.

What I dislike, it that he draws me into petty crap, then badys about words like 'its not important', 'dont make a big deal out of it' after he has started initiated the subject, usually in front of spectators, thus making me look silly

I think they call this passive aggressiveness.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 09/01/2008 20:18

mbpf- you're right of course, but he likes to ahve a level of control, that I cant evevr see subsiding. He needs 'a reason' also, to justify walking out on his child at her birth, so having petty rows with me helps achieve this.

I would like to let him get on with it- of course I would. So how do I respond when he tells me what clothing to out her in? Do I do as I'm told? Wouldnt that drive you up the wall?

OP posts:
massiveNEWpantsface · 09/01/2008 20:27

of course. Would it be tempting a row if you were to just listen and then dress her in something else? Would he forget by the next week?
I would find it hard not to rise to his 'orders' too, but perhaps take a deep breath and calmly suggest that he asks you not tells you. I can't imagine what his response might be...
I am having a very similar issue with mine at the moment in that he is looking for any little thing to have a go at me about (despite the fact that it was him that left me) so that he feels better, more justified, in breaking up the home, our future.

Do you think you would feel ok if he had asked 'would you mind putting her in that outfit next week?' ?

Grrr, men - for you - I can really identify with this ridiculous behaviour!

massiveNEWpantsface · 09/01/2008 20:33

sorry, have to go now but Pingu if you ever need to chat/rant I don't mind if you want to get in touch spellmas @ btinternet . com
Sounds like we are going through similar things... I'm not online at home at the moment but should be in a week.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 09/01/2008 20:34

I think it probably would be better if he asked me- although in saying that- the whole idea about dressing her in that particular outfit, was so that it would end up back at his house 'where it belongs'. I hate that kind of possesiveness. Its unnecessary.

He's quite a mean man re money- and is possessive over things that 'belong' to him- always has been this way.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 09/01/2008 20:38

I think its totally pathetic pingu what on earth does it matter....but probably best ignored and dress her how you wish

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 09/01/2008 20:45

ok mnpf- c u soon x

OP posts:
PurpleOne · 09/01/2008 22:14

Hand him back the new outfit (dirty) and get him to wash it and it remains at his house!
2 birds thus killed with one stone Then dress dc in exactly what you wish to send them out in.

I'd mind a lot if he asked if if I minded. 'you want the outfit, you take it, wash it and dress dc how you wish in YOUR TIME'

My exh is just the same. Fancy dresses et al. If I send the kids out to his with a tiny stain on it, he moans 'you don't like it? you wash it'
He has a whole wardrobe full of stuff for my 2 dds...trouble is, when they've outgrown them, he gives me a 'clear out' jumble bag and gives them to me!!!

Nothing so infuriating... but soooo damn petty isn't it.

ScruffyTeddy · 09/01/2008 22:19

I have the opposite problem. Every time I buy ds nice new clothes they are kept at his fathers house and I dont see them again "Oh, we cant find them". Yeah right.

So when it got to about 5 items left in the drawer I started sending him there in his slobbing about clothes. What did I get? "What are you dressing him in? He looks like a scrubber".

Grrrrrrr.

ScruffyTeddy · 09/01/2008 22:21

and this is the man who pays me no maintenance at all and buys him no clothes, i hasten to add.

blanki · 09/01/2008 22:31

Take a deep breath, count to 10, now my ds could almost do it with me! Ds was tiny when we split. After much BS I thought a changeover bag with nappy, wipes... and mummys/daddys last worn clothes inside were an excellent copable way to deal with xmil, I mean xh. Generally speaking, men are pants at day to day stuff and the truth will prevail. Be kind to yourself and patient. You only have 1 mummy!

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 09/01/2008 22:36

thanks for the replies- blanki, could you just clarify what you mean about the last worn clothes?

Scruffy, what a load of shit. I'm not sure I could ever tolerate that, how awful.

OP posts:
ScruffyTeddy · 09/01/2008 23:05

Oh well my ds is 10 so bit of an age difference!..but I have it sussed now. I buy nice new clothes and keep them here, send him in slobbing stuff. If dad complains, tough...he has enough nice things there now to dress him in. Nice things that he apparently has no knowledge of. Downside? He can tell people I send ds to him dressed like a scrubber...bah...im past caring. We have no mutual friends anyway and I havent seen his family for nine years!

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 09/01/2008 23:52

Scrfff- at least then, you've no one to 'answer to', as it were- because despite what we tell ourselves, the majorit of us (mums) don't like to have our parenting skills slated. Good on you for reaching the point where you've sussed him out.

I think with my ex ( and I posted a thread about this last week) is that he always has an opinion about how our child is being raised, but its usually the really irrelevant stuff that doesnt bleedin' matter. He isnt there for the important stuff like taking her for her injections, when she's sick, in the middle of the night, helping me find a childminder. Yet seemingly, this man is an expert on various aspects of childcare such as weaning, as constantly 'advises' me on how DD should be cared for. It grates, I can tell you.

This thing that he has now, regarding keeping her things at his house, is another petty thing, to add to the long line of them that he manages to present me with every week. I feel like it wont end and it gets me down, honestly.

OP posts:
ElenorRigby · 10/01/2008 12:24

My partners ex had a habit of dressing their DD in old dirty too small tat when she was coming to stay at dads. She was being sent back in lovely new clothes, that we never saw again. Now my Dp's DD is always sent back in the clothes her mother sends her in. She was in our opinion taking the P. Despite been paid the correct amount of child maintainence, she trys to get everyone else to provide clothes and shoes for her. Its rare my DP's DD says that mummy bought her that skirt or those shoes, its nearly always family or friends who have bought them.
From experience Id say its best to keep the two sets of clothes and toys at a childs two houses entirely separate.

blanki · 10/01/2008 14:05

Sorry re delay. When ds returns home I put the clothes that he is wearing (dads) in the bag and then dress him in something with taste (sorry couldnt help it!) We have a book that illness, calpol etc are noted in as ds too young to know. At the other end clothes are screwed in a ball and put in the bag. Sometimes after grannies cat has slept on them, lovely cat hairs = terrible allergy. All stuff goes straight in machine anyway. Havent even mentioned it to him, if thats the best he can do and gets a kick from it, he is more to be pitied. Its really sad that this is what we have come to and ds is in the middle, but hopefully he will grow up a bit and realise that he cannot control me anymore.

nametaken · 10/01/2008 14:16

you are not being petty - if this were me I am 100% certain that I would burn a hole in in/shrink it/ accidently dye it pink and then give it back.

You are well shot of him

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