Difficult ex

[Moneyquestions22]

My ex and I planned a baby , but when I got pregnant we split up . He seemed to turn on me . I nearly got an abortion but I couldn’t face it. We have minimal contact but if we do he emotionally abuses and gaslights me.

He will say he will take me to scans but then play up . I’ve realised it will be a challenge to coparent with him . He begrudges spending money on me and I’m worried he will not contribute to this child ( he has two kids already ).

I want to go no contact with him . I ideally want my child to know his dad , but with his abuse what can I do ? How can I deal with this situation? Any advice welcome .

Just to add , when I say emotional abuse he mocks my depression, my degree , my family , calls me names and character assassinates me . He generally tells me I am the worst person.

Why would you want him to have access to your child if this is how he treats you?

You do know that he would treat the child exactly the same, don't you? It would only be a matter of time. Bitter voice of hard experience here.

Having said that, I can understand you want to your child to know who the father is. But if you do, please always make sure it's safe for your child. I would seriously seek advice from a professional.

That’s domestic abuse.

Practical advise is do not put him on the birth certificate so not use his surname and get a non molestation order. Lock the door and throw the key.

I’m in a similar position but bear in mind even if you don’t put him on the birth certificate he can get the court to add him and still demand access. So you won’t necessarily be free of him. I would say allowing minimal access and hoping that he gets bored and loses interest over time is the ideal. My ex is incredibly hostile and threatening to take me to court and I do know someone who got taken to court when the baby was just born even though she didn’t even know the guy (they only briefly dated when she got pregnant then immediately stopped seeing each other) and he got way more than she wanted him to from the court. And if you end up in court you would have your hands tied to whatever they decide. So deciding what you can tolerate yourself and hoping he fades away over time might be better. Courts don’t treat emotional abuse as seriously as they should in my opinion, they certainly wouldn’t deny him access to the child because of it sadly

Don’t tell him until after baby is born.
Don’t give baby his surname.
Move away (if you can) before baby is born.

Every time he emotionally abuses you, log it with police. Keep a record of it all, especially if it is via text. It is impossible to co parent with an abuser.

Try to have no contact with him at all, don't ask him for money. When the baby is born go via CMS if you're in the uk

Don’t expect anything from him. You know he will just mess you around. So block him. Once baby is born you can text him the details. Claim cms at this point and register the birth yourself with baby having your name.
If he wants contact let him make an application. Leave the ball in his court while you get on with your life. If you block him now, chances are he might have moved on by the time baby arrives so take no steps at all.
Build your own support network that is separate.