Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Single mom Help ! Im pregnant, and have two children. J

28 replies

kel91 · 12/04/2022 15:49

HEY!

So I'm just seeking advice on becoming a single parent. I have a 7 & 8 year old and I'm now four weeks pregnant.

Im worried, im 30. Still live at home ? Due to buy a house I have my mortgage in principle im ready to go, just waiting to find a property

I work part time , im just worried how will I cope , financially, physically, mentally ?

Is anyone else in my position x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

thenewduchessoflapland · 12/04/2022 15:51

I take it was unplanned?;where's the father in all of this?;will you get support if you have this baby;more importantly;do you want to have the baby?

Original poster

kel91 · 12/04/2022 17:17

Hey!

Baby was unplanned, the father and I was together only a couple of years, he has left me. ( not because I'm pregnant but his own reasons )

He hasn't acknowledged the baby situation what so ever !.

Im really unsure, I was considering termination of pregnancy but deep down I know that's not what I want ? I just dont know if I can do this as a single parent again.
It sounds so selfish

My two children are with the same father who also left me pregnant with the youngest and to raise them alone was so difficult.

I had great support of family and friends of course! But it was so hard

I feel awfull about the whole thing and really lost x

Thankyou for replying xx

OP posts:

AHungryCaterpillar · 12/04/2022 19:16

I have 4 children on my own with no ex (absent) not Going to lie it’s hard but it’s doable you have family support which is something I don’t have so at least that’s something!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/04/2022 19:20

I suppose you know how hard it is as you've done it before, so no one would (or should!) judge how you proceed as you know best what you want.

Original poster

kel91 · 12/04/2022 19:50

Thanks everyone

I think one of the things that bothers me a-swell mostly is

Finances ( child care costs whilst working ) fml and the fact Ile be going back to square one, ive only just started to get myself back and my girls are now settling at night and we are in a good place.

And then what's to come, the dad after birth. Its been difficult with the girls dad, arguing all that. Do I really want two exses jn my life forever

But their all such selfish reasons and I feel so guilty for thinking more of my self than the little life inside my belly

Im so torn because I know it will be lovely, it would be a christmas baby too! So I'm thinking of all the snuggles and cuddly outfits and all the nicer times aswell, i dont feel my reasons validate a termination I just feel selfish x

Thanks ladies for helping and giving me a non judgemental environment to talk in. Your all such strong mammas xxx

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/04/2022 20:04

Not suggesting you terminate or keep the baby -
Completely up to you. Just go ask though, if you keep the baby are you forgoing the mortgage and home for your children?

over2021 · 12/04/2022 20:12

In my opinion you have to prioritise your 2 children. It sounds as though continuing with the pregnancy will mean not to be able to buy a home for your family. Personally, if that's the case, in your circumstances I would end the pregnancy.

Wildflower922 · 12/04/2022 20:23

I'm a single mum of two kids similar ages.
If I was to put myself in your shoes I would unfortunately have to terminate. Things are tight enough with money as it is and I have been through hell and back with their dad fighting, I couldn't do that all over again, my mental health could take it.

Not advising either way, just sharing how I would feel, thinking of you xx

Original poster

kel91 · 12/04/2022 20:28

Thanks everyone x

Im a nurse so I do have a good job etc.

I have lots of thinking to do right !? Xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

kel91 · 12/04/2022 20:28

& also I think it's good that your being honest with me too! It makes me feel a hell of allot better for having the feelings im having toward the pregnancy

Thankyou again xx

OP posts:

thenewduchessoflapland · 12/04/2022 20:29

i dont feel my reasons validate a termination I just feel selfish

No woman needs to have reasons to validate having a termination other than they want a termination.

You're only 30;you have at least 15 years of childbearing ability ahead of you.You could end up meeting the love of your life and have another child with them.

I admire you for considering going it alone but please don't keep a pregnancy out of guilt;you should do what's right for you and your children.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Wildflower922 · 12/04/2022 21:03

You might still be having some feelings towards baby's dad, I know I would, and this could be effecting your decision at the moment too. Have a think about when those feelings waver, from what you're saying he may not play a big part in baby's life.

I had a termination once and while I was so tempted to keep the baby, it wouldn't have been fair on the baby, my existing kids or myself. It was a very complex and difficult decision, but do I regret it- no. My DMs are open anytime you want to chat xx

HelloDulling · 12/04/2022 21:08

Living costs are crippling people at the moment. I can’t imagine raising three kids on one part time salary. Can you still afford to buy a house if you go on mat leave (on a part-timer salary), and then have to pay childcare costs when you go back to work? I would find having a baby that I couldn’t afford to feed/clothe/house utterly terrifying.

Original poster

kel91 · 12/04/2022 21:34

I didn't even consider Maternity leave pay! No I couldn't at all :(

Thanks everyone

I do have feelings towards baby's dad still, I never loved anyone like I did him, but I know life moves on & I think I've made the right choice.

I think ile terminate, i just spoke to the dad re: my decisions and all he put was ok?

So I'm thinking really he wouldn't be that supportive.

Such a devastating situation to be in if he was on board financially we would be great but he isn't & you can't force someone to be interested

But I do need to put myself first x

OP posts:

userxzfyjoot · 12/04/2022 22:02

@thenewduchessoflapland

i dont feel my reasons validate a termination I just feel selfish

No woman needs to have reasons to validate having a termination other than they want a termination.

You're only 30;you have at least 15 years of childbearing ability ahead of you.You could end up meeting the love of your life and have another child with them.

I admire you for considering going it alone but please don't keep a pregnancy out of guilt;you should do what's right for you and your children.

Wishing you the best of luck.

I agree with the first part of this.

But you cannot predict that OP can, at minimum, conceive till the age of 45.

Sorry to hear of this OP. I'd imagine it would affect your mortgage application also. There's no right or wrong decision. Just do what's best for you all and don't feel guilty for terminating, that could be the most selfless act.

BurgerKingAddict · 12/04/2022 22:35

Some advice re. the mortgage if you decide to continue the pregnancy - it can be seen as a negative thing as your income will mostly decrease/be unpredictable when you have a baby.
Just wanted to mention it. I would try and find out.

Wildflower922 · 13/04/2022 06:25

OP I hope you got some sleep last night and the rest has given you some more clarity. We are all here if you need to chat xx

Original poster

kel91 · 13/04/2022 06:55

Hey!x

No sleep & Ive rang sick to work

Getting so distressed so going to try and relax today

Thanks so much everyone, it really is nice to know theirs people out their that just get it

Thanks again xx

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 13/04/2022 07:03

In your shoes I would seek sone counselling. That can help you work through the issues and come to terms with your decision

Please also bear in mind that the notion of selfishness is subjective in this situation. Plenty of people would say it’s selfish to have a child if their father has no input or selfish to limit your other childrens futures because you have a child when you are worried about affording it. Don’t think of any decision you make as being selfish. Think of it as being the right one for you. All the best

unicornsarereal72 · 13/04/2022 07:20

Such a difficult decision to make. I know as a single parent with an ex who doesn't contribute I would not be able to afford another child.

The current cost of living is squeezing my already tight budget and I wouldnt want my children to have to compromise anymore than they already have to.

Look at the financier. Can you afford maternity leave ? And child care costs of three children?

I hope that you can seek support and either way you will make it work because people do. But think of your current children and the future you have as a family of three. You are still so young. You will meet someone else and may have the opportunity again in the future.

thetombliboo · 13/04/2022 09:34

I have a 10&7 year old and now a 1 year old too
What a shock you do genuinely forget about how hard those few years are.
I had my LO because my husband didn't have his own children and he has completed our family- however if I had fell pregnant still single I don't think I would have coped having three children all at different stages.
It has been harder than I thought and I feel sorry for my other children as they no longer do as many 'fun' age appropriate things because It's hard with the little one.
In your shoes, with my experience I would not have the baby.

Shinyandnew1 · 13/04/2022 09:39

Whilst nursing is absolutely a wonderful and worthwhile job, sadly one part time nurse wage to solely support a household of 4 would be very hard. How would you cope financially and practically with childcare? Maternity leave? School runs? Would the pregnancy affect the mortgage agreement you’ve just made-could you actually afford to pay it through maternity leave?

I would prioritise the children you have now and focus on getting them into a house of your own.

Original poster

kel91 · 13/04/2022 11:15

You are all so right, I have amazing support of parents they are fantastic but I do think rationally yes your right it would be selfish to also keep the baby as it would strain my finances and life even more

I've made an appointment with the clinic for more advice ❤️ luckily a couple of my friends are nurses in this area and can help me

Thankyou so much xx

OP posts:

Wildflower922 · 13/04/2022 11:36

OP although it's hard, I think you've made the most sensible decision for you and your two kids.

There's so much light at the end of this tunnel, you can focus on getting your mortgage sorted, progressing your nursing career, raising your two little ones and who knows, someday you could meet the right person for you and have another baby when the time is right.

I've been in nearly identical circumstances, it was difficult I will never forget it, but as I said before, I have zero regrets to the decision I made. If I can give you one piece of advice- don't read the horror stories online, I think most of them are fake anyway from experience. I don't know you, but I'm really proud of you x

Original poster

kel91 · 13/04/2022 11:37

Thankyou so much wildflower ❤️ their really is some lovely people in the world if you reach out xx

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread