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Original poster

Naming the baby - whose legal right?

37 replies

newlyseparated · 12/04/2022 12:12

Hi all.
I am pregnant and my ex broke up with me as he said he didn't want it and accused me of entrapment. Now, however, he's saying he will want 50/50 custody of the baby and saying he has a legal right to be involved in naming the baby (because there's a government website that lists parental responsibility as including choosing the baby's name). I'm pretty sure (and a lawyer advised me) that it is the mother's right to name the baby but I can't find any clear source for this online other than random websites. Does anyone know how I can show to him that he has no right to name my baby? I can't afford to get a lawyer to write a letter or have any more legal consultations.
I am obviously pretty paranoid about him taking me to court for custody as well - I mean I know he wouldn't get 50/50 immediately but the idea that one day he would even though he left me bdcause he was so horrified at the idea of the baby is horrible.

OP posts:

Original poster

newlyseparated · 12/04/2022 14:57

@chickenpestopanini

Block him until the birth.

After the birth send him a quick text once you're ready with a name , birth date and birth weight. He doesn't need to know anything until then and you don't want to risk him turning up at the hospital. Get a CMS claim started so you don't have to talk about money with him.

He only gets to be added to the birth certificate if he attends the naming appointment. You're not required to tell him when that is and you can give baby your surname.

If he is serious about contact then he can get added to the birth certificate later and request contact but he can't change the baby's name or get 50/50 while baby is young (especially if you breastfeed)

Does he live near you? For 50/50 to work he'd need to live close enough to you for things like school when baby is older. If he takes you to mediation later then that's a massive consideration - children can't attend 2 schools
50/50

Thank you. At the moment he does live nearby and I fear he will probably just follow wherever I go. Vaguely hoping something else comes into his life or he meets someone else or something but at the moment this campaign seems to be the most important thing in the world to him. I just can't bear the idea of not seeing my kid half the time when he has been so awful. Seems so unjust that because it is sperm, that gives him the right to demand half of a child's life regardless of the circumstances. I guess part of me also thinks a mother is just more important to a very young child (not just baby but until 4 or 5), I know not everyone agrees with that, but it seems natural to me. He has been making my life utter hell during the pregnancy which just shows to me he actually doesn't care about the baby's wellbeing at all as my stress will be directly impacting the baby

OP posts:

chickenpestopanini · 12/04/2022 15:17

Is he well paid and/or has a female relative like mum or sister that he can rope into helping him when he eventually has contact ? Childcare is the costliest and trickiest part to organise, especially if he doesn't work conventional hours like overnight work travel or shifts. Again, not your problem but shows that he's motivated by not paying rather than considering the childcaring reality.

He sounds like one of those men who would expect to use the baby equipment and clothes that you bought when he's supposed to buy stuff for his house.

It's absolutely fine to block him until the birth. He has no parental rights until then.

Original poster

newlyseparated · 12/04/2022 15:32

@chickenpestopanini

He sounds like one of those men who would expect to use the baby equipment and clothes that you bought when he's supposed to buy stuff for his house.

It's absolutely fine to block him until the birth. He has no parental rights until then.

@chickenpestopanini no he is not well paid at all and his family are all very far away at the moment. There is a chance I will want to move somewhere to nearer where my family live once I have the baby and then his family would also be closer so I am sure he would palm off all the hard work on his mum if I did

OP posts:

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 12/04/2022 15:47

Tell him it isn't his. He can take you to court to demand dna testing. Will he cough up?
Preferable imo than claiming Cms off such a twat.

AHungryCaterpillar · 12/04/2022 16:05

Why would she tell him it isn’t his 😑 and what’s she going to explain to the child when they ask who their dad is 🤦🏻

Danikm151 · 12/04/2022 16:20

Parental responsibility means they would need to be involved if you were changing your child's name - he's probably misconstrued that.
There is no way that if it went to court it would be 50/50 straight away. Especially if you were planning on breastfeeding.
You will be baby's main care giver any contact would need to build up.
My son's dad was adamant that he would be around all the time... now he sees him once every 2 weeks(cancelled last time) and has had him stop over twice in 2 years. His choice.

There are people that are great at the talk but once the actual walking is involved they back out

DFOD · 12/04/2022 16:45

Some men engage in these conversations and challenges not because they care about or want to parent the child but to punish and thwart the mother.

They use your vulnerability and lack of knowledge to bully and harass, dragging through courts to discharge their anger without having any intention of taking on the access they might win.

Get ahead of the fool in two areas:

Make sure you are up to speed legally so you know what you should be documenting - then sit back and focus on your motherhood.
Go NC to save your exposure to distress caused by him which will impact your MH/emotional well-being, your pregnancy and motherhood. Let him do all the running and leg work. You are not obliged to interact with him. If / when he starts any court proceedings just respond to his solicitor directly. If he does gain access agree to one of the co-parenting app systems to communicate or tell him you will read emails only once a week and respond if necessary within 48hrs. Tell him all content needs to be child related and all emails will be screened by x friend/family member beforehand to stop you being exposed to any abuse.

Enjoy your pregnancy - take your head and heart out of punching distance from this character and protect it to focus on you and your baby. Congratulations

Aquamarine1029 · 12/04/2022 16:50

Block him and move to your family now. Don't wait.

chickenpestopanini · 12/04/2022 17:06

DFOD's advice is really good.

Don't be afraid if he mentions court. I believe it costs £150 to be added to a birth certificate and £210 plus mediation cost for a Child Arrangement Order. Because of the pandemic I suspect it's taking longer than usual to process these but I've seen countless posts where women have been threatened with court and are scared of going when they shouldn't be. If he takes you to court then go with the flow. They are about protecting the child's rights and will hopefully give him a reality check that 50/50 is not for newborns.

The other bonus of communicating with his solicitor is that he will be charged for each letter that the solicitor has to send to you so he'll hopefully communicate infrequently.

If you leave him to chase you rather than chase him, that's not withholding contact. This is another stick that I've seen women being beaten with. You don't want to prevent contact (which is obviously good and will be looked favourable) , you just don't want the verbal hassle from him. Encouraging him to use the legal process and him getting a solicitor will hopefully create a buffer so he has to think about his words more carefully. Mediation will hopefully give him some additional wake-up calls like babies need paid childcare which he'll need to source.

Starlightstarbright1 · 12/04/2022 20:20

If you want to move..do so before baby is born.. it is far easier..

I would let him know you will contact him after baby is born..i would wait till after baby is registered.

Do give baby your surname..

Do talk to midwife ( police id relevant)

He won't get legal aid these days.

GettingItOutThere · 12/04/2022 20:45

@Starlightstarbright1

If you want to move..do so before baby is born.. it is far easier..

I would let him know you will contact him after baby is born..i would wait till after baby is registered.

Do give baby your surname..

Do talk to midwife ( police id relevant)

He won't get legal aid these days.

this ^^

do not be bullied - and block him today, you owe him absolutely nothing

I would also keep him blocked for as long as possible until you are comfortable, then unblock and wait for him to get in touch, do not chase him!

TheAmberReader · 10/05/2024 15:15

The advice is right that he can't name the baby (unless married, then he does have a legal right too). However the comments on here seem harsh. He is the child's father and one day the child will want to know who the father is (they WILL). The OP didn't say he had been abusive. She said he had split up when she'd said she was pregnant and he was an A - hole in what he said. Maybe he got scared. I don't think its fair to cut him off from his child UNLESS he is an abusive man. Surely it's just as abusive to get pregnant and say right, I'm done with you now to the father?

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