Do you swap days?

[autismorarsehole]

I'm just at the point of agreeing a contact schedule - one night midweek and one day and night at weekend.

We're hoping to move towards every other weekend, but he needs to earn my trust first. And the kids need to trust him and be able to ask for needs to be met etc.

It's b early days and we haven't tried out the plan yet, but would you swap days? I'm conscious of being reasonable and there may be days when I want alternative weekend days, but I'm mostly planning around my agreed schedule with kids. As most sensible parents would.

But would you agree to swap care days in the early days? Or would this be too confusing for children starting to adjust?

My options that I see:

1. Agree to swap on the understanding it's the rarity rather than the norm as kids need to understand the weekly plan for a while before we start changing it
2. Not swap, he misses seeing them. His problem (my extra tiredness from no break...)
3. He has them just for the day instead at a weekend and not overnight. Gives me a bit of a break but he gets off the hook to some extent.
4. See if grandparents can step in - his usual dodging tactic.

For context and background, he has done v little care for them ever and is a dodger of childcare and responsibilities, hence why we've separated.

My ex was inconsistent and flaky at the start. So I took a hard line. If he missed out that's on him.

2 things to consider. The age of the children. Consistency is key so they know where they stand.

And the reason for changing days. Is it a valid reason. Not I want to go out with my mates.

Wants to go out with mates for a bday.

They are 6&8 so will still be very much learning.

The problem is him not seeing them won't exactly be a 'punishment' to him. More like a free weekend reward!

It's a difficult one. Because you want the children to have. Relationship with their father. And also you don't want to have to tell the children your dad is a flake.

How soon are these arrangements in place. I would start with no flexibility. These are your times and days. Take it or leave it. The children need the routine to feel secure. The problem is you can't make him step up. If he just doesn't turn up you can't just drop the children to him. And what message does him not seeing the child give them?

It is a really difficult situation and we want to protect our children. I couldnt do that so took as honest approach as I could. I. don't know why your dad hasn't come this weekend. And I'm sorry he has let you down.

Is this likely to be a frequent request. Would it better be just didn't do any over nights?

Sorry lots of questions there and not a consistent answer.

Unless you can prove he is evil your stipulations are irrelevant. Sorry but it's true

@autismorarsehole
I think that you saying he needs to prove himself so only one night at weekends is going to a) be harder for the children to get used to when then moves to eow b) bound to create issues for swapping as I presume this means he never, until you dictate, gets a Saturday night off! Neither of these reasons are in the children's best interests.

I think that eow and one overnight every week is the way to start as you mean to go on.

You also need to be looking at school holidays splits now. It's no good setting up this and then suddenly moaning you're covering them all or he thinks that he just continues as per school term time.

I think that the key is what for and how often. Constant changes in contact deliver the message that contact is optional and at own convenience to whoever is promoting the changes if it happens often enough.

But… being too rigid about it might lead to multiple arguments that can affect the kids and yourselves more than missing contact.

And one important thing, never asume that your ex will put his children first and adhere to the agreed contact. He may, but he may also be the kind of parent that just disappears.

It is all a balancing act.

Not sure I would on a regular basis, but on the odd occasion yes. Ie. If one partner was poorly, had a work commitment etc,

I have swapped weekends with exDH but it's usually for a specific reason...ie his wedding fell on my time so we came to an arrangement.

It's not something we do regularly as we each try and schedule plans on our known time with/without kids.

For context our kids are now 12 & 13 so it's not as disruptive when it happens as its easy to explain to them

I'd stick with the planned schedule for at least a few months, and only rarely swap for valid reason (personally I don't think drinks with friends trumps your children).

If you give him too much leeway at the outset, he'll end up wanting swaps to fit his DC around his social life (and not the other way round), and that won't be fair on the DC. At least if you stick to the plan initially, he will get the message that you are serious about not allowing him to flake.

I swap days with ex when there's a special occasion and that's it. For two reasons, I do the lions share and we have a routine and schedule and things we do. It's not fair for him to just cherp up and distrupt what we have when it suits him but on the other hand I'd never want to have my sons miss out on a birthday or something special so I will happily swap then.

Ex does push my limits though. He will always ask me to swap before arranging his own childcare when he has commitments and I'm pretty easy going and will always agree. It it does make me feel quite vulnerable in the sense that I sometimes feel like I can't say no and therefore my plans and routines go out the window.

Most people on here will say "be flexible, kids deserve a relationship with dads too". Which yes I agree but put your own limits and boundaries firmly in place too to protect yourself and your time because other wise you could end up being taken advantage of!

DP and his ex swap as necessary, but not very often. He only has them EOW so hates to swap as it means he doesn't see them for 3 weeks.

I think it's fine to swap for genuine reasons, but he shouldn't make a habit of it.