Never get a break.

AHungryCaterpillar · 2022-03-28T13:17:30+00:00

Does any other single parent never get a break from their children ever? Everyone I know their kids either go to the exes or their parents occasionally. The last time I had a break was over 5 years ago, please tell me I’m not the only one?

rghltifndn · 28/03/2022 20:59

Me and it is incredibly hard. No advice but just wanted you to not feel alone.

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 28/03/2022 21:03

At least I’m not alone then was starting to feel like it was just me! I’m so envious of people whose exes have the children for the week/weekend/ half the holidays, what I would give for a break.

OP posts:

unicornsarereal72 · 29/03/2022 11:34

My youngest goes eow to her dads but this routine has only been consistent in the past six months or so. (New gf in tow so assume that is the influence). My eldest hasn't seen his dad in 3 years. As much as I try. But he is old enough for me to be able to come and go as my commitments permit.

I also have a day off in the week so get life admin things done then. And since Covid we have got into the routine of having a quiet hour at the end of the day. Which means leave mum alone.

Hope you can carve out some time for yourself in some capacity.

Anyfeckinusername · 29/03/2022 11:41

It’s very tough OP. For a medical reason my DD couldn’t go to her dad’s for two years. Her brother would head off and I would have just one child every second weekend instead of the two, and both children all of the rest of the time time. I found it tough for sure. It just chipped away at my reserves, was v v tough but equally we got it into routine. We were lucky I suppose, she was little enough to really like her “mummy time”.

I have no family here so there was no reprieve at all.

Have you family nearby? Or babysitters? You need to force it so you get some gaps, if you have the energy to organise it!!

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 29/03/2022 12:11

No my family would never have my kids they’ve made that clear, they told me I “chose to have them” so why should I get a break.

OP posts:

lollipoprainbow · 29/03/2022 12:41

No not the only one, I can't help feeling envious of mums whose kids go to their dads some weekends. I would love the odd Friday night to myself. I don't have family around to help either.

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 29/03/2022 12:52

Yes I just don’t have that type of family, they would see me struggle but wouldn’t care as it was “my choice to have them” my mum brought up 6 of us alone and will often rub that in my face to say well she done it alone and just got on with it so why should I get any help. She would have them in an absolute emergency like I needed to go to hospital or something but not for me to have a break. What I would give for a weekend to myself, mine are too young to be left home alone so I have to take them everywhere with me when they are not at school I can’t even just pop to the shops, the holidays are worse and they have to be dragged round wherever I need to go, so envious of the people whose children go to the exes half the holidays etc

OP posts:

ChoiceMummy · 29/03/2022 19:53

I have my child 247 and tbh, I love it. I don't know, but I suppose it's an outlook thing. We do lots together, we'll everything outside of school obviously. Plan lots etc. I'm not so good at getting what I want included, but on the whole we have a very good life.

I make sure that if we go out and there's a Playpark for instance, that I can sit down for a cuppa. I also get up early so I can watch the TV I like! Or to sit in the sun in the garden for a cuppa before madness descends!
I've also got better at sometimes saying yes to electronics at the weekend so I can have a bath in peace or yes another cuppa!

Maybe you could try some little changes too? And maybe they'd change your perception?

Kevinbrady · 29/03/2022 20:02

Me too, OP.

Fled domestic abuse so no contact with their dad and it’s just been me & them since we moved away from him, and from my family as they all live nearby. Six years on and it’s still hard, not just physically, but mentally - carrying the mental load, working full time, rushing from work to school to childcare, not enough patience with the kids and then feeling guilty for not giving them 100% of me.

I envy families with lots of support, Mother’s Day was tough because my mum isn’t any help (we’ve not spoken for years as she sided with ex). I cried at work today and told my manager that I’m overwhelmed but it wasn’t received well.

We are meant to raise kids as though we don’t work and work as though we don’t have kids. Also, the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” is so true but it’s hard when you don’t have the village. I worry I’m going to mess my kids up because all they have is a stressed mum.

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 29/03/2022 20:09

@ChoiceMummy

I have my child 247 and tbh, I love it. I don't know, but I suppose it's an outlook thing. We do lots together, we'll everything outside of school obviously. Plan lots etc. I'm not so good at getting what I want included, but on the whole we have a very good life.

I make sure that if we go out and there's a Playpark for instance, that I can sit down for a cuppa. I also get up early so I can watch the TV I like! Or to sit in the sun in the garden for a cuppa before madness descends!
I've also got better at sometimes saying yes to electronics at the weekend so I can have a bath in peace or yes another cuppa!

Maybe you could try some little changes too? And maybe they'd change your perception?

I have 4 children so a bit different to having one. My oldest also is autistic so can be difficult.

OP posts:

tunnocksreturns2019 · 29/03/2022 20:11

Yep I hear you, widowed parent and my eldest has ADHD. I’m tired.

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 29/03/2022 20:14

@Kevinbrady

Me too, OP.

Fled domestic abuse so no contact with their dad and it’s just been me & them since we moved away from him, and from my family as they all live nearby. Six years on and it’s still hard, not just physically, but mentally - carrying the mental load, working full time, rushing from work to school to childcare, not enough patience with the kids and then feeling guilty for not giving them 100% of me.

I envy families with lots of support, Mother’s Day was tough because my mum isn’t any help (we’ve not spoken for years as she sided with ex). I cried at work today and told my manager that I’m overwhelmed but it wasn’t received well.

We are meant to raise kids as though we don’t work and work as though we don’t have kids. Also, the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” is so true but it’s hard when you don’t have the village. I worry I’m going to mess my kids up because all they have is a stressed mum.

Yes thank you for understanding it’s just the relentlessness of it all! Sometimes I miss being carefree, don’t get me wrong I love being with my kids but that doesn’t mean I want to spend every single day all day with them, I’m dreading the Easter holidays because it means I won’t have any time at all to myself and they argue and fight constantly, I also have to take them everywhere as I can’t leave any home alone and it’s quite difficult taking four out everywhere. I would also like a life to myself I don’t have any friends as frankly I don’t have the time, I lost contact with a lot of them as they don’t have young children and stopped inviting me places because I can’t go, I also can’t date and have been single for 5 years, doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being with them I would just like a break sometimes as I think I would be a better mum if I got to have a rest and time to recharge other than being on the go all the time as I’m always exhausted and by the weekend I feel like I have no energy to do anything with them as I’m so knackered.

OP posts:

PurpleSneakers · 30/03/2022 03:18

Maybe you could try some little changes too? And maybe they'd change your perception?

^ This

I feel for you (I think I remember that you might have posted under another username?).

Sometimes we just can't change things/situations and it is out of our control. But the way we perceive and think about a situation is under our control.

Believe me, I have felt this too in the past - an all consuming omg the school holidays are coming up and it feels overwhelming, they (I have 4 too) are going to be non-stop fighting and any of my enthusiasm or motivation seems to go out the window. And then I am grumpy, short etc. So self-fulfilling prophecy.

What I find that helps a little is planning (even if we are going to be a home), keeping them busy (this usually involves quite a bit of mess - but the pay off maybe a half an hour of peace), inspiration and motivation from other's in similar situations (which is what you are doing here) and considering how you have worked through this in the past - what are some of the special moments or things that you have experienced with your children that you enjoyed and perhaps you could do them again?

TheOrigRights · 30/03/2022 09:21

My youngest son has just turned 13 so I can leave him quite a bit now, and that breathing space has helped immensely.
That said, I feel the pressure of always being on duty and it's something I didn't understand until I became a lone parent.
I rarely get any down time at home on my own just to potter and entirely switch off.
He's a great lad, but has his struggles (one of which is dealing with the rejection from his father) and that can be draining.