I'm all she's got - what if something happens to me?

[Emmylou22]

Hi

I'm not sure what sort of advice I'm looking for; maybe I just need to say how I'm feeling and see if anyone else ever feels this way.

My little girl is 8 and I'm essentially looking after her by myself. I've been apart from her father for nearly 5 years and over the past couple of years he's seen her less and less. He's now re-married and moved into his wife's house. There is nowhere for my daughter to sleep and he's been having her less and less. It's getting to the point where he just won't have her overnight and he's not doing any of the parenting whatsoever.

I work full time and support my daughter by myself. Lately, though, I've been worrying what if something happens to me? There have been occasions over the past few years where I feared I might not be around to look after her (abnormal smear tests, lumps in the breast). They all came to nothing but I keep worrying I might become too unwell to look after her or I might die before she can look after herself.

I fear if something did happen to me her dad would not step up and take her in. A few months ago I was on the verge of being temporarily homeless (due to a house purchase falling through and having to leave my rented home) and I asked him to take her for a few days so I could sort things out and she wouldn't have to worry or sofa-surf with me. His response was 'I don't really have the space'. He wouldn't even take her in to help for a few days. I can't imagine he'd take her in permanently.

Does anyone else have these types of worries? How do you deal with the pressure of being the sole person your child has to take care of them?!

I think most single parents feel the same tbh. I have 4 children and their dad doesn’t see them at all so no he wouldn’t have them if something happened to me. The only family I have is my mum who wouldn’t be able to have them, and my dad who is disabled so again wouldn’t be able to. The sad fact is they would go into care. You just have to try to not think about it.

Unless you have a friend/sister/mum who you can name in your will as willing to take them, then I just wouldn’t distress yourself by thinking about it. The chances of anything happening to you is vanishingly small. If it did there’s a reasonable chance he’d step up rather than her go into care, so just keep the relationship going as best you can. It’s really tough I know.

You could also ask a brother or a dad.

He's got parental responsibility so I'm guessing it would be him. You could request differently in your will but as dad he would have to agree.

I agree that you probably need to try not to think about it. In reality it is unlikely that anything will happen to you.

In terms of practical things you can try to do to ease your mind - life insurance, as much as you can afford. Make sure the money is held in trust for her until she's older - look into if you could have it set up to release an amount at 18, another at 21, another at 30 or something. Think through relatives or friends that might be able to step up if the worst happened and have it written into your will for these people to be considered/ approached for your DD to live with if you die.

Hopefully if you have sorted some things that are in your control it will ease your anxiety about the things which are not.

Thank you, all. It's quite an abstract worry. I think the pressure has been getting to me more where her father is less and less involved. She will be provided for financially if something happens to me and I'll ensure to get my will sorted so she's looked after.