Ex doing adult work and worried about kids finding out

[YoAdrian]

Let me start by saying that I have no axes to grind, and believe everyone has a right to do what they want with their bodies. I have no issue with pornography or different sex lives. Que sera really.

My ex of a number of years, we share two kids (DD10/DD12), has started various forms of porn from photos to video. Some of her stuff is private (OF) but there's various public websites and social accounts that are easy to find. They leave nothing to the imagination and are easily identified as her.

The school parent circle is aware, so there's talk. Mutual friends are aware and rumour mill gets around. Ex is known to SS. There's back history which I don't think is relevant. I think she's generally a good mum, but makes bad decisions. Some of my friends think I'm really naive though!

Am I right to be worried about this leaking into the playground at school and my DDs getting broadsided by this, and then the teasing that I think is likely to follow? How would you manage this? I'm a bit lost tbh.

@NippyWoowoo

Trying to figure out if I've said/done something ridiculous or you think it's fishy?

Ask your ex to remove anything potentially identifying from social media and make sure all their settings are secure.

Thanks. I've done that in the past, as this isn't the first time. Also, the stuff that's in public domain is not her content to remove any more. It's a fine line as I don't want to come across as I'm spying on her, because I'm not.

I hear all of it second hand from other people, who do appear to have axes to grind, or at least think they're helping. Sometimes I ask just not to be told, but then I've been accused of not taking action and being irresponsible myself as I'm not taking it seriously enough. Literally can't win.

But thanks. I think I'll have the chat again regardless and take the drama that comes with it.

Even with some of the social stuff taken down, if it does get out either way, thoughts on how to deal with kids? Drop innocent conversations in about men and women that do that kind of thing and it's OK? Still won't address the potential bullying/teasing though ☹️

Telling kids that taking part in pornography is ok is not appropriate in any way.

Yeh...I'm stuck knowing what to do. On one hand know my DD12 is very aware of what sex is and likely will have heard peer chat and giggles about porn but never being exposed to it. I've overheard one or two of the boys in her age group saying something flippant about Only Fans.

I'm super careful on access and monitoring...we have arguments about the sites that get blocked that are not at all adult in any way.

If she were to ask are men and women who do that kind of thing doing a bad thing/they're bad people...would I answer yes? Probably not. I feel uncomfortable bringing up the topic though...so it's out anyway.

All feels a bit futile

You could say to your ex that if her lifestyle ends up causing any issues for the children, this will lead to ss becoming involved and she may lose her right to see them, so does she really want to risk that? Tell her people are already gossiping and it only takes one of them to upset her children.

Any bullying of your dc is something you need to take up with school immediately and get it squashed. Any parents who would share that kind of info with their kids and allow them to be nasty are not morally better in their behaviour than your ex.

Thank you. I think I'll drop social services in there but not threaten about losing rights. I'm not sure she would lose rights over it, as it's not really a safeguarding issue..or is it?

I've been through this with SS before, and it's such mixed bag. One SS officer says it's none of your business, another gets involved as they do see it as a risk.

I think laying on the consequences again (apols if the again bit is a bit of a drip feed) is a good idea. Although this is a repeat event, so did she really listen in the first place? Do I just go straight back to SS and see which version I get of them this time?

Thanks for the responses btw. It's really helping me to think a bit clearer.

I wouldn't go straight to ss. Not unless you honestly think her behaviour is putting your children at risk. I would try to get her to see reason and put safeguards in place herself because that's better in the long run, if she can see for herself why her behaviour might be problematic and take steps to rectify it.
I don't agree that it's none of your business because it does have the potential to cause distress to your children. When people share children, they can never be totally independent of each other in that sense.

@YoAdrian

Thank you. I think I'll drop social services in there but not threaten about losing rights. I'm not sure she would lose rights over it, as it's not really a safeguarding issue..or is it?

I've been through this with SS before, and it's such mixed bag. One SS officer says it's none of your business, another gets involved as they do see it as a risk.

I think laying on the consequences again (apols if the again bit is a bit of a drip feed) is a good idea. Although this is a repeat event, so did she really listen in the first place? Do I just go straight back to SS and see which version I get of them this time?

Thanks for the responses btw. It's really helping me to think a bit clearer.

SS don't care as long as she isn't shooting porn with the children about or in the room. It doesn't effect custody AW and OF have become much more mainstream but before sex workers would have a stage name not their real one and use wigs etc. Many never get found out she needs to be more discreet.

No, my opinion is that it doesn't put them in direct harms way. Some friends and family have disagreed with me and they have thought I'm not being firm enough and taking it seriously enough.

When SS were involved last time, they did get more involved. They got her to acknowledge and see how it could have consequences and she agreed to stop.

Last time SS made me feel like I wasn't taking it seriously enough. I mentioned in one of my previous, there's a longish history (trying to avoid outing) of SS involvement. Maybe it's the history plus this that got them more involved.

That's why I'm here trying to figure out what other people think.

There are prostitutes and porn stars raising children, its not a social services issues unless its happening around them/dodgy people have access to the children. If you think your children are at the age when they are likely to find out then discuss with you ex a way of tackling it head on and telling your children in an age appropriate factual way.

Couple of things I just found about that discsussion
www.vice.com/en/article/bvg9kq/how-sex-workers-tell-their-kids-about-their-job

offbeathome.com/telling-kids-youre-a-sex-worker/

Thanks @negomi90

I've read that article before while searching for answers for this. Which is one of the reasons I mentioned before, is there an age appropriate conversation to be had (very hard with tweens as they're really switched on)? One PP clearly disagreed.

I think how anyone handles this kind of thing is going to be divisive. My aim is to try and protect my kids from being bullied or feeling shit about it if they find out not from their mum.

So i need ex to be more discrete. She's either ignoring the past, or naively thinking she's discrete this time, but obviously not. 100% going to raise this.

I think also put this back on ex too around what she suggests we should do if this work gets to their classmates. Maybe just keep my fingers crossed and hope it all goes away.