How is it a choice for him

SparklesAndUnicorns · 2022-03-15T13:57:44+00:00

Just wanted a rant about my kids dad really so I feel less alone. We've been apart for almost 6 years now and we came to agreement the end of last year he would finally see them more regularly as he was only bothering with them twice a year. So he's been seeing them once a month and this month he's already bailed. I'm just sick of this constant battle I don't understand how parenting for him is a choice and he can just say no whereas I have Zero choice in the matter I do everything on my own and I am so burnt out I work and raise my kids with literally no support from anyone and I am exhausted. I feel envious of my friends who are single mums who have exes who actually have their kids. I basically feel like I have no life whatsoever and my kids probably aren't getting my 100% because I'm so tired. I've booked so many days out this month to make up for the fact he isn't seeing them to make it less hard on them I just feel awful for them that their dad wants basically nothing to do with them and they get this version of me that's stressed and surviving off very little sleep. I'm on the verge of taking legal action because I'm just done with this feeling of not being good enough and my children possibly feeling the same when they're older cus their dad was a no show.

AHungryCaterpillar · 15/03/2022 14:17

Legal action for what? You can’t make him see them unfortunately, I feel your pain though my ex hasn’t seen our kids since jan 2021 even before that we split up 5 years ago and since then he has not once had the kids overnight. Not one have I had a night away from them in 5 years as no family help. I have 4 kids so it’s hard work. I am so envious of other single mums who get the weekends to themselves I would kill for a break 😣 like you say I don’t think I’m the best mum I can be purely because I never get a break so I’m so stressed and exhausted all the time.

Original poster

SparklesAndUnicorns · 15/03/2022 14:22

@AHungryCaterpillar I hadn't looked into it but I was hoping there would be some way to come to an agreement formally if he knows he can just say no to me whenever he wants
It's stressful isn't it I don't know how we're meant to be the best parents we can be without a second to ourselves I was so happy with just once a month for the kids and myself but seeing as he's already gone back on his word it's clearly not going to last

OP posts:

Graphista · 15/03/2022 14:26

Yes it sucks for you and the dc but in all honesty the best thing you can do for you and dc is actually NOT Push this

I know that's not what you wanna hear but it's true.

You can't make someone be a parent when they don't want to be, legally, practically, emotionally or even financially in this country unfortunately

I very much regret pushing this with my own dd which merely resulted in pushing his vanishing out of her life down the road and led to him doing so as she started high school - the worst possible time!

How old are dc?

Also stop with the days out etc to make it up to them, it's not necessary and it'll knacker and skint you financially

Build yourself and the dc a support network elsewhere - single parent groups can be good for this

I met my best friend when dd was little she had a dd the same age and we were both single parents. We used to babysit for each other so we each got a break sometimes

You can't and shouldn't (as in for your own and dcs sake) attempt to rely on someone you clearly can't depend on you'll be fighting a losing battle I'm afraid

That will drain you faster than anything else

AHungryCaterpillar · 15/03/2022 14:40

I would avoid court, it only means you have to make the children available on those days/times it won’t make him to stick to it and if he’s anything like my ex he will use this to his advantage, not bother with them then say “oh but the court order” whenever he feels like dropping in again.

It’s rubbish trying to make peace with it honestly when my kids are doing my head in I resent that I don’t have anywhere to send them. I would cope much better knowing I’m getting a break on the weekend etc. It’s rough.

Hepherlous · 15/03/2022 14:43

I feel for you OP. I was staggered when my solicitor told me that a court isn't able to force a parent to spend time with their children. I love my 3 DSs but 98% of their care is a lot to handle.

I wonder if the starting point (absent abuse concerns etc) should be a legal presumption that each parent does 50:50 and then it's for each family to negotiate what works best for them (and that should be enforceable). At the moment it's too easy for one parent to decide to do little or no child care and leave it all up to the other who has no choice.

It should also be socially unacceptable for a parent to largely walk away from their children.

I would say push it with your DC's Dad (you need the break and frankly he should be doing his bit) but if he resists there may be little you can do about it (sadly).

Original poster

SparklesAndUnicorns · 15/03/2022 14:59

Thank you all for the kind words I really appreciate it. I am on the fence about forcing him to see his kids when he doesn't want to but then on the other hand he had a part in creating them so why shouldn't he be made to pick up some responsibilities. He has no issue with negativity commenting on my parenting every chance he gets yet wants to do none of it himself I just don't know what to do at this point. My children are 9 and 5 and they're amazing kids so I'll give myself a pat on the back for that seeing as he's done nothing to contribute to how they're being raised.

OP posts:

Starlightstarbright1 · 15/03/2022 17:41

Honestly the best tjong you can do is stop engaging.

He isn't interested.

My ds's hasn't seen his Dad in over 10 years. I have to find my own way to relax, find time for me.

Don't allow him an opinion on your parenting.. I told my ex mil. I would listen to the people who know how hard i work in a similar type conversation.

Steelesauce · 15/03/2022 17:49

You can't make him. Its bloody tough and even though I want my ex nowhere near my kids now, I find it so frustrating he can walk away with no responsibilities. He doesn't contribute financially at all (which is the only thing he can do for them now) but bleats all over social media how much he misses his kids. Its a hard pill to swallow but you just have to. I second finding a support system, even a local teenager who wants some pocket money to babysit for a few hours. I feel for you, I really do. Dont bother taking him to court, you can't make him care.

BobLep0nge · 15/03/2022 17:55

I've booked so many days out this month to make up for the fact he isn't seeing them to make it less hard on them

Don't tell them that their dad is going to see them. If he turns up and takes them out then that's great for them, if he doesn't turn up then they won't know and won't feel upset.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 15/03/2022 18:11

@BobLep0nge

I've booked so many days out this month to make up for the fact he isn't seeing them to make it less hard on them

Don't tell them that their dad is going to see them. If he turns up and takes them out then that's great for them, if he doesn't turn up then they won't know and won't feel upset.

This!

Also maybe spend the money on a holiday club or something so that you have some time to yourself rather than things for them.
Sounds horrible but you can take them to a nice park or the beach for free so they still get some days out.

thenewduchessoflapland · 15/03/2022 18:22

Well done to you on doing a fantastic job of being both mum and dad to your children;you are incredible and you're far too kind to your ex.

Graphista · 15/03/2022 18:52

My children are 9 and 5 and they're amazing kids so I'll give myself a pat on the back for that seeing as he's done nothing to contribute to how they're being raised.

Best way to look at it

My dd is now 21 and at a RG uni with a lovely boyfriend and great friends.

My ex had NO hand in that whatsoever that's all dd and I!

Dd and he have somewhat "reconnected" in recent years and I've been told of his apparently giving it all proud dad crap and dd just looks at him askance - actually I've been told his wife does too - as in "what have you got to be proud of you did sod all! She's succeeded despite you not because of you!"

but bleats all over social media how much he misses his kids.

Yep standard deadbeat dad crap!

You're doing a great job op go easy on yourself

sophienelisse · 15/03/2022 19:21

[quote SparklesAndUnicorns]@AHungryCaterpillar I hadn't looked into it but I was hoping there would be some way to come to an agreement formally if he knows he can just say no to me whenever he wants
It's stressful isn't it I don't know how we're meant to be the best parents we can be without a second to ourselves I was so happy with just once a month for the kids and myself but seeing as he's already gone back on his word it's clearly not going to last [/quote]
I get you op.

I went to see a solicitor and they advised me against this.

They said"if you enforce this via court and he doesnt turn up then you can't do anything except take him back to court to reduce the hours. If you state he is to see your child Saturday 12 till 4 for example, even if he doesn't turn up 9 out of the 10 times, if you can't make your child available on them hours when he asks then it's you that's in breach because you have requested the availability. Until you change the court order. However if he requests it and doesn't turn up then that's on him" or something to that effect but worded more professionally.

Basically you can't make him and if you try to do something formal it's then on you to change.

So let him take you to court to see them.

Shit. Awful but it made sense to me. Saved me a lot of money for something he wouldn't stick to anyway.

sophienelisse · 15/03/2022 19:24

Basically as resident parents (usually the mum) we have to suck it up with minimal help from the csa whilst managing.

In short- you can't make them.

We should be more like America.

It infuriates me that my ex has fuck all to do with our dd, pays nothing csa yet might be contacted and can refuse if I want to take our dd on holiday.

It's vile.

whatisthisinhere · 20/03/2022 09:17

I split from my ex in 2014. I did the whole trying to engage, trying to encourage him to see them, trying to persuade, argue with him. I did it until last year. Then I decided to stop, should have done a long time ago. But I'm stupid like that. He now says that I don't facilitate contact. No, I just stopped running around after him, I ran out of steam. He didn't even invite them to his wedding
Don't expect anything, your life will be much more peaceful
I get the exhaustion, I have 5, three with autism. And to tell the absolute truth, I'm lonely, tired, a bit weepy at the moment, get blamed for everything. But it's still better than having contact with Twat

Starlightstarbright1 · 20/03/2022 17:38

@whatisthisinhere

I split from my ex in 2014. I did the whole trying to engage, trying to encourage him to see them, trying to persuade, argue with him. I did it until last year. Then I decided to stop, should have done a long time ago. But I'm stupid like that. He now says that I don't facilitate contact. No, I just stopped running around after him, I ran out of steam. He didn't even invite them to his wedding Don't expect anything, your life will be much more peaceful I get the exhaustion, I have 5, three with autism. And to tell the absolute truth, I'm lonely, tired, a bit weepy at the moment, get blamed for everything. But it's still better than having contact with Twat

I did the same although for about 2 years.

I found once I stopped been hurt how little his dad cared.. i found i had more emotional energy for my Ds

RusticChips · 09/04/2022 11:08

I feel the same Dad has moved recently to Spain I have 3 children although 2 at uni but that does mean I now have no one to look after my 12 year old if I go out, so now I cannot go out at all. I am feeling so depressed like I have not life of my own as I work full time. I love my daughter and enjoy the time we spend together and think he is missing out on so much, but is it nice to have some me time, I would just like him to have her every other weekend like he used to. I also think the law should change re maintenance payments as he has remarried and retired, he clearly isn't short of money but because technically he's only income is now a low pension he only has to give me £60 per month, which is ridiculous as he has just bought a lovely villa.

RusticChips · 09/04/2022 11:10

He is 55 years old

havespacesuitwilltravel · 14/04/2022 09:27

They said"if you enforce this via court and he doesnt turn up then you can't do anything except take him back to court to reduce the hours. If you state he is to see your child Saturday 12 till 4 for example, even if he doesn't turn up 9 out of the 10 times, if you can't make your child available on them hours when he asks then it's you that's in breach because you have requested the availability. Until you change the court order. However if he requests it and doesn't turn up then that's on him" or something to that effect but worded more professionally.

Yes, I found it completely bizarre. And it is not easy to reduce the hours either - took me two years to change from 50/50 to weekend contact, when the actual contact was once a month or less in two years fully voluntarily from the dad's side. He just turns up in court, says - yeah, I've been busy, but I'll do better now. That's it. No maintenance as it is 50/50 officially.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/04/2022 09:35

@SparklesAndUnicorns

Thank you all for the kind words I really appreciate it. I am on the fence about forcing him to see his kids when he doesn't want to but then on the other hand he had a part in creating them so why shouldn't he be made to pick up some responsibilities. He has no issue with negativity commenting on my parenting every chance he gets yet wants to do none of it himself I just don't know what to do at this point. My children are 9 and 5 and they're amazing kids so I'll give myself a pat on the back for that seeing as he's done nothing to contribute to how they're being raised.

Stop all the engaging with him where he gets to criticise you. If you're agreed on once a month, only communicate about that and don't tell the kids until the last minute. Any other convo just stop.

Beyond that you can't force him to parent so stop wasting energy. You need to tackle what is within your control - like the kids sleeping through, any real support you have you might be able to look after them for a weekend, claiming money from him ett

TerraNovaTwo · 14/04/2022 09:41

You can't force a parent to care about their DC and it is unhealthy for them to have forced interactions with him no matter how stressed, skint and exhausted you are. No matter how little time I have to myself, I refuse to orchestrate a relationship between my DC and ex. That is his duty to fulfill, not mine. I already fulfill my own.

Saying that, family law needs a major shake up. It's appalling how men can walk away from parental responsibility. IMO child abandonment should be just as illegal and punishable as abuse and neglect as it is at the heart of it a form of abuse and neglect. It is another prime example of how women are oppressed under the patriarchal system.

Danikm151 · 14/04/2022 09:46

It's hard but you can't force them to do anything.

they're not the ones comforting their child when a person they love doesn't want to see them. They're not the ones coming up with random plausible reasons so their kids aren't hurt.

CircusBaby · 14/04/2022 10:13

Can only echo what everyone else has said, you can't force him to do anything, court can't force him to do anything. He either wants to or he doesn't, and it seems like he doesn't. My first DP sailed off into the sunset when our DD was a baby, and I was pregnant with our DS. He wanted the whole wife, home, kids package right up until the reality of what that meant sunk in, and then he took off saying it 'was too much and he wasn't cut out for it after all..' and he had zero input with our DC. They're brilliant young adults now. I did that. Currently dealing with another crap ex who only sees our DD11 when it fits into his schedule.

You can give yourself a massive pat on the back for being a bloody brilliant mum, and yeah it is tiring. But he's missing out on everything, and that's his loss in the long run.

OldTinHat · 14/04/2022 10:36

My xdh and I split up when our two DS were toddlers. He had them overnight once a fortnight until he found a new girlfriend.

Six months after we split, he was engaged and sent me a text saying he wouldn't be seeing the boys anymore because 'it didn't suit'. His exact words.

The boys are 23 and 21 now. They never saw him again. Nor did his parents (their GPs), although when xBIL sadly lost a DD when she was 17, GM put in an appearance saying how sad she was that she didn't see DS, how much their DF missed them, gave his phone number and begged them to text him to meet up. DS2 flat out refused. DS1 did make contact and his DF never replied.

So in short, no, you can't make their father take responsibility and like most of us, you'll have to suck it up. Cruel but that's how it is.