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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Dad contacting children on xbox

34 replies

sparklypony · 15/03/2022 12:15

I split up with ex H about 2.5 years ago, we have 2 children aged 8 and 11 and each have them 50% of the time. We have recently changed our contact schedule which was previously alternate days, and is now every other weekend and 2 nights in a row each during the week. During negotiations over the new schedule I suggested the 2:2:5:5 pattern but ex didn't want to be away from the children for 5 nights in a row, but he did suggest that we could stay in touch with the children during those longer stretches by phone or playing together online on the xbox (I don't play but he seems to be on there a lot of the time). I agreed that would work but then we didn't choose that contact schedule anyway so phone calls/xbox games wouldn't be needed.
In the last couple of weeks whenever the children are on the xbox at my house (which is not much of the time) he seems to be online and they start chatting or playing a game together. I let it go when it was at the weekend, but this also happened one evening after school, which I wasn't happy about. I can't say anything to the children or ask them not to talk to him or play together when they see him online, but what can I do? I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't be happy if I called the children for a 30 minute chat after school but it's basically the same thing.
Am I over reacting, it just feels like a huge intrusion on my time with the children. Does anyone else have experience of this kind of thing?

OP posts:

HalloHello · 15/03/2022 12:24

I think you're being really unreasonable. Would you feel the same if they were talking to their friends on the xbox? You're not even playing with them so not like it impacts your time really at all!

BlingLoving · 15/03/2022 12:27

Unless there's some big story we're not hearing, I don't understand your issue. If the children are on x box and are allowed to interact with other people while on x box, then I don't see why they can't interact with their dad during that time. Arguably, when they are on x box at his house, you could come online and play with them too. As it's while they're at your house, then obviously, any x-box time is mandated/agreed by you.

The only time I might have a concern is if it means they can't play with their friends on x box because their dad is insisting they hang out with him rather. In which case I'd be having conversations with your children about how it's okay to select who you engage with and play with etc.

Original poster

sparklypony · 15/03/2022 12:42

thanks for your replies, maybe I am over reacting then. Obviously they can play with friends online, and he isn't stopping them from doing that. It just feels like he is intruding when they are at my house but maybe it's something I need to get used to.

OP posts:

Suprima · 15/03/2022 12:44

I would be inclined to agree with you if you had an Xbox ban during the week for schoolwork or other hobbies and he is flouting this, and encouraging them to spend more time on video games- but as you would let them play with their friends anyway, I don’t see the problem.

Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 12:46

Do you have the app on your phone? Set them to always show offline

Original poster

sparklypony · 15/03/2022 12:47

They don't really play on it much during the week, just sometimes when they have done homework and music practice etc, they may have 30 minutes spare while I cook dinner. I think when they are at his house they spend a lot longer on it, like he seems to do too.

OP posts:

Redcrayons · 15/03/2022 12:49

If you allow them to play Xbox then I can’t see what the harm is playing with their father. He isn’t taking anything away from you. If you don’t want it to happen then ban the Xbox on school nights.

BlingLoving · 15/03/2022 12:52

I think it's also worth mentioning that for DS, hanging out with Dh while playing play station is a really fun thing to do. So your DC may well feel the same, especially if they're a bit younger and don't have a lot of friends online.

GlitteryGreen · 15/03/2022 12:56

I think you're being a bit unfair OP. My DP phones his kids every single day when they're with their mum, except over the weekends. Sometimes they chat for 40 minutes.

I'd understand if they were only going on the Xbox because he was asking them to play with him but if they'd be spending that time on there anyway then I can't see the harm tbh.

CornishGem1975 · 15/03/2022 13:01

I think you're being very unreasonable. I have 50/50 time with my kids and they both know that when they are with one parent they are free to speak to the other. I regularly FaceTime my daughter for an hour when she's at her dad's. I think it's nice they have the freedom to speak to their parents when they want to, regardless of where they are.

sillysmiles · 15/03/2022 13:02

I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't be happy if I called the children for a 30 minute chat after school but it's basically the same thing.

This seems odd to me. Why wouldn't you be able to talk to them if they were at their dad's house. Why can't he talk to them at your house. You (and he) need to take a look at yourselves and maybe try be a little more amicable for your children's sake.

Unless there is a drip feed of abusive behaviour or coercion.....

Nietzschethehiker · 15/03/2022 13:03

I think perhaps you've just lost a bit of perspective. I get it honestly (we do a 30 minute video call with exdh every night and I admit it's a pain in my backside but it makes dc happy so hey ho).

Truthfully if he's not asking them to go on the xbox when they are doing something else then there is nothing wrong with it. He's not intruding if they are already on it and he's just playing with them. Be a bit careful in your own head about counting his and yours minutes. I can understand the inclination but 6 years down the line here and I've learnt that a bit of flexibility (excluding abusive situations ) is the friend of the Co parents and you often end up needing it yourself.

CornishGem1975 · 15/03/2022 13:07

@Nietzschethehiker

I think perhaps you've just lost a bit of perspective. I get it honestly (we do a 30 minute video call with exdh every night and I admit it's a pain in my backside but it makes dc happy so hey ho).

I agree about the "counting minutes". Years down the line and we're still stuck in the "well you were 5 minutes late, so I am taking those back next time" situation with my DH's ex. It's ridiculous and it serves to harm nobody but the children.

I always try to think about the situation I am in before I object and cause a fuss. Is this for the benefit of the kids? Am I stopping something because of how I feel about it rather than acting in the best interests of the kids?

Louisa4987 · 15/03/2022 13:07

Sounds pathetic and ridiculously controlling in my opinion. What difference does it make to you?

MsMarch · 15/03/2022 13:23

I thought you were being unreasonable but had missed that apparently he won't allow you to call the kids during his time. That's ridiculous. Surely the kids should be able to speak to either parent at any time?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 15/03/2022 13:26

Sorry OP i agree with others, YABU. You're controlling the amount of time they spend on xbox so it's not taking any time or attention away from you, they are on it anyway. Also i think it's nice that DC would be able to communicate with both parents when they want to and not just when they are staying at that parent's house.

CornishGem1975 · 15/03/2022 13:31

@MsMarch

OP didn't say she couldn't did she? She just said she assumes he wouldn't like it.

ntsure · 15/03/2022 13:35

You’re being weird, if they’re playing in the Xbox anyway why in earth can’t they chat tk their dad on it?
My boy plays online with his dad when he’s at my house, I think it’s nice

Waitingwaiting3 · 15/03/2022 13:37

If they would be playing on there anyway (ie: if they’re not on more or for longer because they’re talking to him), I don’t see the problem.

But you do have my sympathy because I know coparenting can be really hard.

TokyoSushi · 15/03/2022 13:38

I think it's fine OP. If he's a good Dad to them and a positive influence then surely the better the relationship that they have with him, the better it is for everybody.

Original poster

sparklypony · 15/03/2022 13:39

Thanks all for the replies, I thought I was probably over reacting and being unreasonable. This only started happening recently and I wasn't sure what to think of it.

OP posts:

catfunk · 15/03/2022 13:45

Surely you'd be upset if he wanted nothing to do with them, and at least you know it's not some weirdo cat fishing them online.

Original poster

sparklypony · 15/03/2022 13:45

@Waitingwaiting3 thanks, yes it is hard work coparenting!

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 15/03/2022 13:50

It seems like a nice fun way of them keeping in contact during the week. I can't see a problem.

Elsiebear90 · 15/03/2022 13:54

Why would you want to prevent them talking to their dad? It’s nice he wants to spend so much time with them and keep in touch, it’s not taking anything away from you as they would be playing x box anyway, seems petty and a bit spiteful.

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