A really bloody pissed off rant

[colditz]

Ex was supposed to be taking the children out this morning, and basically looking after ds2 all day until teatime. He has flounced off in a huff because when I got out of bed, the children were here, in pyjamas, and there was a microwave meal in the microwave for them to share.

And he was supposed to take them out. And he was making out that the microwave meal was their 'hot dinner' for the day so he could give ds2 something cold later (when I have taken ds1 out). no veg, no potatoes, nothing, just this microwaved fish pie between them.

He said he was going to take them out so I could do some FUCKING house work - and he says I wasn't doing housework, I was sleeping, so he didn't bother.

NOT THE FUCKING POINT.

Now he has flounced out because I pointed out that there was bread,in the bread bin where it always is, and that he obviously didn't look for it if he has come to the conclusion that 'there's no bread'.

So now I can't take ds1 swimming as I had planned to, because he was supposed to be looking after ds2. Ds1 is upset that he stormed out in a huff, shouting and raging, I am pissed off with the casual 'don't bother me with the details now' lying about things to do with my children, ds2 won't go down for a nap because he thought daddy was going to take him out, I desperately need to get some housework done, things I struggle to do with both kids cluttering round my feet, and I am really strongly considering making this all legal, some how.

[fireflyfairy2]

Just do the bare amount of housework, lots of people just manage that with 2, or more, kids.

If you can get ds2 down somehow then ds1 might like to take a can of polish & play with it on a table or something? {Helping mum with housework}

[Tinkerbeltinsel]

It doesnt matter what you do with your time when your ex has the children, you could sit on the sofa in your jimjams picking out your toe jams and eating chocolate if you wanted too it nothing to do with him, he sounds like a sulky mummy's boy colditz and shame on him for letting his children down

[stripeymama]

Oh poor boys and poor you...

As if its any of his business what you do with your free time!

[mummyfantastico]

What a childish arse

[colditz]

He came back, told me I was 'being childish' when I pointed out that every point he has made about the way I speak to him also applies to the way he speaks to me, thrown a strop because I have told him "No you are not going to come to my house and 'just not speak to each other then' for up to 5 hours at a time, it is not something I want my boys to experience, I think we are going to have to rethink things" and told him off for saying things like "Your mummy is poisoning you against your daddy" to my 4 year old (bhecause when ds1 asked if daddy was coming back I thought the most honest answer was 'I don't know' - apparently I should have 'known' he would come back, and I should have told ds1 that), and I have repeatedly told him not to call me a bitch in front of my children, or say "That's a pile of shit"

I have broken my self trying to keep my temper, I have literally pulled my hair out (in the kitchen, nobody saw) in handfuls, but he is leaving at 5, I am going out in a minute, so if I can just hold out it will be ok.

He is, by the way, fine with the kids - he's just not nice to me.

I am sick of him telling me how I will react "If I let them get dirty you will go nuts" (I never have before) and "If I take them out you'll just have a go" (what? When I asked you to?)

And i am ranting away here to remain as civil; as humanly possible to him.

[colditz]

And ironically, this time last year, we were at Relate. And the counceller asked me to try to leep my voice down when arguing as ex found it intimidating when I shouted - and now I don't shout - I get shouted over.

It's as if he only hears what he expects to hear. I say "Please can you make sure that you don't give them snacks after 2 in the afternoon or the don't eat their tea" - and he hears "you're shit, you're shit, you're shit shit shit!"

[VictorianSqualor]

Don't have him in your house, and arrange set times for him to see the children, away from your home.
You wouldn't let anyone else who spoke to you like shit in your house, he should be no exception.

[colditz]

The majority of tthe time he doesn't though. I still think the kids benefit more from my arrangement than from seeing him at a contact centre

[fireflyfairy2]

Why doesn't he pick them up & take them out?

Do they spend time overnight at their dad's house?

How often do they see their dad?

I can see how raised voices can be intimidating to the other party, not only that, but to the children too. I hate arguments in front of the kids, it's not their fault

[nutcracker]

I have exactly the same probs Colditz, they just don't get it do they.

I asked xp to have the kids today because I was going to visit my brother who has been ill.

When he got here I said 'i'll leave you the keys so you can take them out for a walk or on their bikes', and he said 'yeah ok'.

When I got back, he hadn't taken them anywhere and had had footie on all day. Then he said something to dd2 about the Villa match, and I said 'i'm not having it on, we don't watch football'. So he left

He just cannot be bothered.

He moves into his flat next week and wether he likes it or not he will start having them at his inc overnight once a week cos I am sick of having to have him anywhere near me.

[VictorianSqualor]

I didn't realise it was your house or a contact centre, in that case it does make it harder.
Unfortunately my ex was an absolute arse and after nearly 18months of desperately trying to get him to see his DC's he no longer does so I am quite zero tolerance now when I think parents are taking the piss.

Does he normally turn up and have the children when you have agreed?

[NineUnlikelyTales]

Oh God that's so awful Colditz. There is nothing more frustrating/absolutely blood boiling as someone who WILL not hear what you say but persistently makes up in their head what they think you are saying.

Do you think maybe the fact that your ex has to come to your house has meant that you have both let boundaries slip a bit? So he feels he can comment on your staying in bed and not doing housework (like it's any of his business) because you have told him that that is what you are going to do and therefore given him permission to comment. Would he understand better if you were very formal in your arrangements, eg he arrives at X time, you have organised packed lunches, he returns the children at Y time and is responsible for them until Z time when you return. No discussions about what you are doing with your time, no need to debate what the children have for dinner etc because you have already arranged it and basically he is like a paid childminder as far as you are concerned.

I don't know if that sounds like it would work but I can see loads of difficult situations arising from your having to have your ex in your home, difficulties that you have to anticipate and deal with before they arise, especially if ex is a total childish arse

Have this restorative glass of wine.

[NineUnlikelyTales]

I meant permission to comment in his view obviously.

[citylover]

Sorry to hear you are having problems Colditz. I am having similar problems with mine. And the other day I todl him I was going to be logging the amount of time he was having them (with a view to making it legal like you) and he got very angry.

He does have them overnight tonight but likes to make excuses and always has done over the last eighteen months since we split.

Our agreement, put forward as part of our divorce was that he would have them every other weekend and pick them up from childminder or school once a week. He does pay maintenance but this is based on this happening.

I don't think he ever has kept to it. And I periodically sit him down and say we must keep to this routine but it just doesn't happen.

He likes to entertain them at my house, eating my food etc etc. and actually having the nerve to complain when there isn't anything available to eat. I told him on the days he has them he must provide food.

His flat he says is too cold and too small. Over Christmas they were meant to stay at his girlfriends and
she was not well so it didn't happen.

Now I fully accept that the resident parent has the bulk of the childcare but what my set up has meant over the last eighteen months is that he has had the freedom to meet someone else, have time to himself and see the children in very short bursts (his preferred way as he finds them hard to cope with) and generally set his own agenda.

Whilst I still have him in my house way too much and the longest I get to myself is 24 hours max. I do go out some evenings but generally can't plan anything substantial. That of course would have to change if I got a partner. Fat chance of that I say!

And get this - it's his weekend this weekend and he has had my oldest DS since 2.30pm and them both from 6pm tonight.

I have to pick up oldest DS tomorrow morning at 9,30 to take him to football as ex point blank refuses to take him there by public transport ( he doesn't drive). I could refuse of course but that would mean my oldest DS would suffer.

Seems to me that these ex Hs try to regain too much control over their exes lives whilst comfortably slipping into new relationships. And I am so tired of trying to push it and negotiate with him. PITA

[colditz]

Ok lots of questions, I'll try to answer them.

he doesn't take them out because, well, he just doesn't. he does sometimes, but really only when he wants to do something, like buy smething in town. Sometimes he takes them to the park. He used to take ds1 swimming once a week but that seems to have fallen by the wayside. he comes every evening after he has finished work, and sits with them while they have tea. He comes on his days off too. I love it that he sees the kids so often, I don't even mind that he visits here, but I am really sick of him passing comment on the way I choose to disperse my time and the people I choose to spend it with.

He usually does turn up when he says he will, but whenever he has promised to look after them, I cannot voice any opinion in the run up to that whatsoever, or he takes umbrage and storms out, leaving me with both kids and a need to change my plans. he uses childcare as a stick to beat me with, and I hate it - unfortunately I have no other childcare.

On 'His days' to be responsible for the children, What generally happens is that if I don't go out, I end up doing half the work. I can't go upstairs without being followed by one or both boys, I can't have a shower in peace, I can't Mop the floors etc, because he won't take them OUT! I don't WANT him to look after them here, i want him to take them OUT!

I can go out, leaving him here, but I dread the mess that awaits me when I return

I do ask him to take them out and do something fun, and he just says "No, not just cos you say so!"

Actually this thread has inspired me to try to organise something fun for the kids tomorrow, instead of sitting here waiting for him to arrive.

[colditz]

It's really difficult to have boundaries when ds1 says things like "MUmmy, let daddy come in the house I want to talk to him." or generally tells all and sundry what goes on in my life (the crossing lady has been made well aware that I couldn't zip my jeans up last week because I ate too much christmas dinner!)

[NineUnlikelyTales]

Yes I suppose that having a lad of your DS age does make some things more difficult

As it's all about control for your ex, do you think the threat of having that control taken away a la contact centre/hours fixed by a court would be enough to make him toe the line, or do you think it would make him step away from the children altogther out of spite? It really shocks me how grown adults, parents, can behave with their own children just to spite an ex.

[colditz]

I don't know, to be honest, and I'm kind of unwilling to test it

I have told him I feel like he punishes the kids when I don't behave how he wants me to, by withdrawing from them. Ds1 cried when exp left in a huff. It made me want to burn exp's head with a magnifying glass.

[NineUnlikelyTales]

No I don't blame you for not wanting to test it. It seems like your poor DC are already suffering from his behaviour and you have to bear the brunt and be adult for both of you. You'll have to grit your teeth and get your own back on him in petty but satisfying ways, such as foreign substances in his coffee, etc.

[colditz]