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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

My 8 year old doesn’t want me to have a new partner

21 replies

Jackjack123 · 10/03/2022 22:00

Hi I’m looking for some advice, I split from my ex 2 years ago, we have an 8 year old son who idolises his daddy, he sees him 2 days a week but doesn’t sleep over, have tried a few times but he looks to come home to me, I feel ready to try to start dating but I am so frightened how my son will react, I don’t get much free time to myself only the few hours his dad takes him after school then brings him home again, I’m also worried how my ex will react, when we first split he said there had better not be another man involved in my sons life so that keeps playing on my mind, sorry for the long rant, I’m not getting any younger….coming 44 and don’t want to be on my own forever

OP posts:

LoganberryJam · 10/03/2022 22:07

Ignore your ex. Start dating. Two years is a long time to have waited. If your son can't stay with his fad are there any other childcare options - swap babysitting with a friend?

LoganberryJam · 10/03/2022 22:08

Dad obviously, not fad.

TheBigDilemma · 10/03/2022 22:16

You should always consider your child’s needs, they come first BUT they are not meant to run your life, you are the adult in that household.

It is not healthy for such a young child to call the shots on their mum’s life decisions, too much responsibility on such little shoulders.

Original poster

Jackjack123 · 10/03/2022 22:46

I guess it’s nearly like mum guilt, he took the break up really bad and he’s finally starting to get used to the idea, it’s just the staying over now that he won’t do so I don’t have any free evenings

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2022 22:48

Your ex can go fuck himself.

Rummikub · 10/03/2022 22:53

And what’s your ex doing to encourage your ds to stay over
Does he have a roomful

Your ex will change the rules once he starts dating

TheBigDilemma · 10/03/2022 22:55

How come he is also deciding how and when contact is to take place? It is important to kept a routine and structure with contact. Contact will fizzle out in not much time if contact is constantly changed, modified or reduced. It simply ends up becoming “optional” for all parts.

Spritesobright · 10/03/2022 23:17

From your post it doesn't sound like your 8 year old has actually said anything about you dating someone though. Have they?
You don't know how they'd react. Your DS might really enjoy a new person in their life (obviously vet them first).
You really need to tackle the overnight thing though. At 8 he should be able to sleep at his Dad's!

Rodion · 10/03/2022 23:33

So long as you date in a way that doesn't being anything negative into your DS's life then you should absolutely go for it (not saying you would, it's just really sad when it happens).

If he struggles then you listen and comfort him and find ways to support him, but you don't make a martyr of yourself. He actually would benefit from learning that his mum is able to balance her own needs against his, and that this is how families work. I'd argue that presenting yourself as a doormat who completely forgoes their own desires is setting him up to have an unhealthy attitude towards relationships (especially given his dad's attitude).

If you didn't want to date that would be a different matter, but you do, and that is OK.

HollowTalk · 10/03/2022 23:38

I think differently to the others. I think your son clearly needs a lot more time. Your ex partner on the other hand is a complete knob. I wouldn't take any notice of what he says but at the same time I wouldn't date at the moment because of my child.

Original poster

Jackjack123 · 10/03/2022 23:43

No he lives on his own, he never encourages him to sleep over, the few times we tried he just rang me and said he wants home… said he’s not prepared to put him through anymore upset, with his job it’s 2 days a week as he works long hours, but it’s literally from after school to around 8, my head is turned, I don’t know what to do for the best, 2 years is along time now it’s really only recently I’ve felt ready to try and move on and build a new fresh start for us

OP posts:

Rummikub · 10/03/2022 23:55

I would wonder if it’s your ex trying to control your environment so you can’t date/ more difficult to.
I hope he’s paying maintenance.

LittleOwl153 · 11/03/2022 00:07

Sounds like dad doesnt want him staying over as you might be able to have a life away from him. Controlling idiot.

Has your son actually said he doesn't want you dating etc? Can't imagine that would even occur to my 8yr old... or is someone putting ideas in his head I wonder?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2022 00:09

No he lives on his own, he never encourages him to sleep over, the few times we tried he just rang me and said he wants home… said he’s not prepared to put him through anymore upset

Wake up, op. He is doing this to control you, and sadly you're allowing it.

Fuckitsstillraining · 11/03/2022 00:15

So when did you last have a night without your son? What if you got ill? You need to start working on this now and fast. It's handy for your ex to call and say your son wants to go back to you but what if your not there? Your ex gets 7 nights to do as he wishes while ensuring you also so as he wishes. Wise up or your son will be dating and you will still be sitting at home answering to your ex.

Blossom64265 · 11/03/2022 00:24

You are entitled to a social life. Your 8yo shouldn’t really need to be privy to the details of that social life though. It may be quite some time before you find anyone worthy of even introducing to your son, let alone bringing into his life in a substantive way. You are going to need to figure out the overnights or at least a good babysitter.

TheTeenageYears · 11/03/2022 00:38

Do you have family support/will your son stay anywhere else? Aside from the dating issue do you ever go out for the evening with friends or family and leave DS? At 8 I think dating aside you need to be able to go out and son needs to be comfortable being away from you for a night so I would spend a bit of time working on that. It does sound like ex is either controlling you or opting out of parenting - neither of which is acceptable.

TheBigDilemma · 11/03/2022 06:38

Ok, if dad is not interested is better not too push for more contact as DS will know he is not that welcome and that can be more damaging than seeing dad so little.

One piece of advice when it comes to raising kids after divorce (not dating related): Move your guilt to the side and every time your DS asks you for something you are not sure about, asks yourself the question “if his dad and I were still together, what would I say?” Honestly, overcompensating only makes entitled insecure children. If he knows you are in charge, he can relax and be a child.

Now, back to dating, you can start slow, simple things that balance the relationship with DS before moving into dating. Split weekends on 3 days: one when you do something DS enjoys even if you don’t, one when you do something that you enjoy even if DS doesn’t, and a third one to do something you both enjoy with other people (this may be going out with family or other parents so the children can play while you have a cup of coffee with another adult.

With such an arrangement you both will learn that you also have rights and needs and that having other people around is ok. Once he is used to it you can move into dating more easily.

Now finding the time for it is another thing when you have sole charge, but it is not impossible. I met my first boyfriend after divorce through my son, he started playing with his kids in the park and they got along like a house on fire. So we got to know each other while watching the children play, made the best of the little time we had alone and didn’t tell the kids we were together for months. Now, that was pure luck so…

to find that little time alone: I always had children around after school, sleepovers and on the weekends when it was DS’s day, many parents returned the invitations. Grow your network of support, I have found the busier people are other single parents but incidentally, they are also the ones who are better at multitasking so they are good at making the time to meet or help.

I also recommend dating men who have children as they would be able to understand better the limitations you have and have more realistic expectations (steer clear of all those men in OLD who say they are looking for someone for romantic weekends away, that was the one thing we only managed when DS was in a school trip!)

And yes, ensuring your child goes to bed in time is essential to have time to catch up with your partner, whether you are single or married.

Lady0racle · 11/03/2022 06:43

Your 8 year old would have no idea you were dating though would they? At least not initially? It’s generally a good idea to wait a minimum of 6 months before introducing a child to a new boyfriend and it will be a while before you get to that stage even if you it it off with someone immediately.

unicornsarereal72 · 11/03/2022 06:59

You have a right to a life outside of parenting. Your ex opinion doesn't matter. He gets no say in how you spend your time.
As others have said dating to start with is away from home. You have plans with friends. Your son has friends and activities (my daughter does swimming and brownies). So it's ok for me to do the same. This is the line I took. I have also recently joined and exercise class. So me not being home all the time is becoming more normal. Just need to date now 😀

cherryonthecakes · 15/03/2022 13:03

It's ok to date.

Even if you met the love of your life immediately, you son doesn't need to know anything about him for the next 6-12 months minimum. It will be hard to see them because of your childcare constraints but you don't have to be a nun just because you're a mum

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