Struggling with sons behaviour

[AHungryCaterpillar]

I’ve completely lost it with my son today I can’t take any more of his behaviour, he is horrendous and I mean horrendous, he is so spiteful and vicious especially to his other siblings, he’s normally bad but today has topped it, it’s my younger sons birthday and he has spent the whole day being vile! He’s aggressive towards him and gets angry very quickly if he doesn’t get his own way, he’s been jealous the entire day and doesn’t like it when things aren’t revolving around him, I’ve sent him out of the room so many times because of his behaviour because he bullies my younger son constantly and has made him cry several times today but he keeps coming back and apologising then just acting the same 5 minutes later, I am a single mum literally their father is not involved at all, I have no family and do it all on my own and I’ve spent the whole day trying to make sure my son has a good day just for someone else to ruin it, he did the exact same thing the year before, bullies him makes everyone upset and puts everyone in a bad mood, the worst part is his birthday is 12 days after yet he expects everyone to forget by his birthday and want to celebrate and be nice to him after how vile he has been but his behaviour is still fresh in our minds.

I mean he has been relentless today, I completely lost it earlier with him and shouted at him and sent him to bed, I’m doing this all on my own and he can’t see how much time and effort I’ve put in so we can have a nice day and won’t just drop it for one day. One day. Now we are expected to put on a smile for his birthday I’m sat here in tears on what is suppose to be a happy day.

This sounds really hard. How old is he?

How old are your dc? Mine argue so much and I really lost it today, it's so wearing. Sending you sympathy

He will be turning 10, I’ve given him chance after chance to correct his behaviour today and reminded him it’s his own birthday in less than 2 weeks so he should think about how he would like people to treat him but he doesn’t care; I couldn’t even let him in the room for the cake and to sing happy birthday as he would ruin it and be nasty

I really feel for you. Is this behaviour new or has he always been this way? I'm just wondering if he's acting out due to family breakdown or if its a cry for attention since his sibling came along?

No always been the same tbh, but birthdays are worse. I think he just wants to be the centre of attention at all times If I had someone to send him to on my children’s birthdays I would just so he couldn’t ruin them. Not a new break up I haven’t been with his father for 5 years.

What's he like at school? Is there any underlying issues do you think like ADHD maybe?

What's his behaviour like normally? At school? At Christmas /Easter etc?

Have you ever requested support and assessments?

Does he respond to rewards?

It sounds so difficult. Does this happen on everyone's birthday? Apart from his?

He is the same at school…. School have suggested asd but I don’t want to excuse his behaviour. It only seems to happen on my other sons birthday, I don’t know if it’s because his is first in the year, after he has his own he seems to calm down. He doesn’t behave this way at Xmas or Easter but I think it’s because those days are about everyone which is why I think it’s because the attention and focus is on someone else? My other children are girls and he doesn’t really bother them the same way he does with his brother. He is challenging most of the time but his brothers birthday just seems to make it much worse.

I would pursue assessment. As things may just get worse otherwise with no recourse or support in place.

If you feel that it's purposeful then that is effectively "naughty" premiditated behaviour. If you think he cannot control himself, even t with prompting, that's different.
If you think that it's purposeful, then I think that he needs to be being punished now for it with losses that will impact him so he realises that his choices have consequences.

If school have suggested ASD get a referral. It's not excusing behaviour it's explaining it.

My eldest has really struggled with his brothers birthday. He has ADHD (some autistic traits). I lost it with him for a moment when he was really winding his brother up but I know a lot of the behaviour is beyond his control and most of the time knowing that helps me parent him better!

Have you tried talking about how the day will go, what will happen when etc with him ahead of time? Once he is calm talk to him about what happened, ask him if he has any ideas about how to make things go more smoothly next time.
Anything that could give him more control over the day? My son was very keen to choose which present to open next and his sibling didn't mind so he was a bit involved in the present opening.
Up until this year I always got a siblings gift too (usually something that could be played with together but they each had a individual part to have as they own). This gave them something to focus on?

I just mean it wouldn’t be ok to hurt someone and be violent because he may have asd, it’s not really an excuse for aggressive behaviour hitting his brother and trying to make him cry bullying wouldn’t be ok because someone has asd. He was on the waiting list for an asd assessment, he waited 3 years and because I missed an appointment that I didn’t even know we had he was removed from the list, they refused to see him again and said he would need to start to whole process all over again from the beginning and wait another 3 years (I contacted pals they weren’t interested)

I didn’t involve him in the day as I prepared it whilst they were at school, I don’t get any time away from them so the only time I could do it was when they are at school otherwise they don’t go anywhere else. I don’t really want to do sibling gifts really as I have 4 children so would need to get extra for all of them on each birthday which I can’t really afford considering his birthday is 12 days later so would have to do the same again on all birthdays.

Sorry it is very frustrating- my son got removed from a ADHD meds waiting list without them informing me. Only found out when I chased it. It happens way more than it should - CAMHs are pants!
I did ditch the sibling present idea as it is expensive and we too have 3x birthdays within 6 weeks. But I only suggested it as it worked well for a bit.
Start afresh each day and keep on trying to access help. Eventually we got full time 1:1 at school and that's definitely helped behaviour at home a bit. However things like birthdays seem to be more triggering regardless.

Hi OP, my son has ASD and one of the things that the team talked about was the behaviour is naughty and not the child. The bad behaviour is a symptom of something else. You have to address the underlying cause in order to manage the behaviour. Going down the route of diagnosis might help you by giving you tools to address challenging behaviour. Unfortunately, some kids on ASD spectrum do have very challenging behaviour their whole lives. At least if you get him in the system you will e able to say you did your best to help him. Remember your eldest is getting closer to puberty so he will be bigger to everyone else then.
Best of luck OP it doesn’t sound easy at all especially on your own.

Could you consider having a joint birthday celebration in future? If your son isn’t like this any other time it really does sound like he has additional needs impacting this. Ask the school for some input from their educational psychologist? Many changes to support a child with ASD could be put in place even without an official diagnosis.

My ds has asd and adhd..

It doesn't excuse behaviour but it does mean some things have to be approached. Differently. .. i don't do surprise outings events as he needs time to prepare.
I do find structure helps. Exercise then time to unwind after school. School is stressful , expecting to cope with all the rukes and regulations ,over stimulus, potentially uncomfortable uniform.

I find with behavioyes towards others. The how would you feel if on your birthday sibling did ..... what can you do differently next time.

It is a frustrating wait for assessment. It is worth also speaking to senco see what they can do to help at school.

Interesting that his sister's day isn't ruined in the same way.I wonder how he'd cope if his birthday was celebrated before his brother's. That way his celebration would be the first celebration of the year iyswim.

I think that you should pursue diagnosis too. If he has ASD then (I'm guessing) that you'll need new discipline methods.

I think that you should also post this on the Special Needs section. There might be people there with more ideas about helping your son cope with his brother's birthday.