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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex sending birthday presents

13 replies

BabyTurtIe · 02/03/2022 16:33

Ex is absent, no involvement what so ever, apart from on birthdays he will send presents for them but otherwise no contact at all. he has only done this the last couple of years, the first time my son was upset as the thing he sent was something that my son doesn’t like and isn’t into, it’s wasn’t about the present it was the fact that it reinforced to him that his dad doesn’t know him and doesn’t know anything about him and he asked why his dad doesn’t come to find out what he likes. This year I have received a present in the post again for my son again something he doesn’t like (these are certain cartoon characters) I know he will be upset again this year as he is sad that his dad hasn’t bothered with him and I think seeing him send things he doesn’t like is just rubbing salt in. I wasn’t hesitating to give it to him and I thought of course that is what I should do but I’ve spoken to other people who said I shouldn’t give it to him if he isn’t involved, and it’s upsetting my son but I don’t know what to do for the best. Does anyone else have an uninvolved ex who still sends presents and do you give them to the child or not?

OP posts:

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 02/03/2022 23:43

We have this situation in our extended family. It's tricky, but I'd argue that the gifts have the potential to help your child maintain some kind of relationship with his father. Do you have contact details for your ex? Can you encourage your son to write to him a couple of times a year (in our family it's Christmas, birthday, Father's Day) and in those letters/cards he can include a couple of lines about his hobbies and interests?

Not passing on the presents sits poorly with me, sorry - and I'd fear that when the child grows up they may accuse you of making contact difficult.

Notwithittoday · 02/03/2022 23:48

Yes same situation. Has just sent birthday and Christmas gifts since 2nd birthday. Now 8. I do give them but they don’t get upset so not sure that’s useful to you really. I don’t really like giving them but feel obligated to as not feels a bit dishonest. How old is he?

Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 03/03/2022 00:04

He is 7, it started last year but he hasn’t been involved for much longer, so I don’t know why it started randomly last year (he doesn’t send for Xmas only birthdays) I think it’s more about easing his own guilt rather than him actually caring (his birthday is the day before my sons) I’m not going to get my son to send letters he wouldn’t want to if I’m being honest.

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OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 03/03/2022 12:30

@BabyTurtIe

Was there significant abuse perpetrated by your ex against your son? If not, maintaining some kind of basic relationship may well be in your son's best interests. If your son's father doesn't seem to know what your son likes, getting him to send him, say, a Christmas card once a year with 2 lines in about hobbies and interests isn't a big ask. If your ex decides to go to court he'd almost certainly be awarded at least letterbox contact if there's no significant abuse.

Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 03/03/2022 12:56

No abuse towards my son no, me but not my son. He wouldn’t go to court it was him that told me he doesn’t want to see them, I’m not going to get my son to write to his absent father though, not unless we were ordered to do that. If his dad wants to know what he likes then he could actually ask to see him and have contact with him, it’s not on my son to tell him it’s for his father to find out. He is not doing it because he cares he is doing it to make himself feel better, ex use to text me asking how they are (not not asking to see them) I use to respond saying they are fine but then I would never hear a reply back again until 6 months later asking how they are again but never a reply to say “that’s good what have they been up to?” etc just a simple how are they and nothing more. If he wants to take me to court he is welcome to but he won’t.

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Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 03/03/2022 12:57

I also told my ex he could call and speak to them if he wasn’t going to see them, he agreed called once and then never called again. I’m not going to get my children to chase him, it’s not up to them to keep in contact.

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OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 03/03/2022 13:11

OK, but I'm just suggesting a solution to your son being upset by gifts which aren't to his taste - in our family letterbox contact has helped and both parent and child know some basics about each other because of it.

I really wouldn't withhold the gifts - you risk either ex and/or child holding it against you in years to come.

Theunamedcat · 03/03/2022 13:13

Maybe give it to him the day after his birthday so it doesn't spoil things

MartinMartinMarti · 03/03/2022 13:16

I think it’s wildly inappropriate to put the burden of communication on your son, I don’t think that’s a good suggestions at all from PP.

Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 03/03/2022 13:17

Yes I do have understand that, I guess I just don’t think it would be reciprocated so don’t want him sending letters and not getting a response as that would be an even bigger disappointment, if it was something my ex wanted to set up himself then that would be ok if my son wanted to respond. The presents have only been this year and last year despite being absent much longer so I’m not sure how long he plans to keep it up and he could stop anytime so I don’t want it to be an expectation. The day after sounds like a good idea

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OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 03/03/2022 13:37

@MartinMartinMarti

I think it’s wildly inappropriate to put the burden of communication on your son, I don’t think that’s a good suggestions at all from PP.

I'm talking about sending a Christmas card with a couple of additional lines in, "Hi Dad, I'm in Year 3 now. My favourite lesson is Maths. I like playing Xbox and watching Everton play live." In our family it's not onerous and works well, and means that birthday gifts do align with the child's interests.

Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 03/03/2022 20:08

He doesn’t send them Xmas cards so it’s not something I really want to initiate. The gifts are only on their birthdays and I won’t be sending him a birthday card.

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Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 04/03/2022 19:17

Well I asked my son how he would feel if his dad sent something and he said he definitely wouldn’t want it, I asked a few times if he was sure and he said he was so I’m not going to give it. I won’t throw it away but I will respect his wishes.

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