Daughter doesn’t have a bed at her Dads

[DerbyshireMindfulMum]

Hi, please could I have your thoughts? My daughter (10) is meant to go her fathers every other weekend. It doesn’t really end up like this due to his work so can sometimes go weeks without seeing her. Other times he will see her two weekends in a row. Generally she will go for two nights, Friday and Saturday, because he lives nearly two hours away.

He lives in a four bedroom house and has two step children (13 and 18) and a son by his new wife who is 3. They all have their own rooms. They bought the house since the 3 year old was born and made sure all the kids had a room apart from my daughter. Since buying the house they’ve also converted the garage into a gym.

For a while my daughter was sharing a double bed with her stepsister, but this didn’t work as my daughter sometimes snores and would keep her step sister awake. I asked for her to have some kind of bed and after maybe a year of asking her dad bought her a fold out bed. This gets out underneath her little brothers cabin bed (he’s 3).

My daughter has said often that she doesn’t want to go and that she feels like a visitor as she has none of her own space. She doesn’t even have a drawer or a toothbrush there, nothing.

Her dad and step mum are also trying for a baby and I’m concerned that that baby will also get its own room and my daughter will still be on a pull out in a three year olds room.

He does very little with her when she’s there, in fact generally still goes to work. He didn’t even buy her anything for her 10th birthday.

I’m getting concerned about her welfare, and that she doesn’t feel wanted or valued as a member of the family when she’s there.

I’m also concerned that she’s soon going to start puberty and her own space will be very important.

I have asked many, many times for her dad to come up with a solution but he doesn’t see an issue and says I’m just making problems.

My question is….at what point do I say that if she doesn’t have her own space she doesn’t have to go? When she says she doesn’t want to go at what point do I say she doesn’t have to? Do I give him a time limit (say six months) to have her own space sorted or say I’ll then let her choose if she comes her not?

As I said, he lives two hours away so day visits are very tricky.
Any advice would be appreciated 😃

I'd say at 10 she has every right to refuse to go because she isn't happy with the sleeping arrangements as long as the sleeping arrangements genuinely aren't any good. Make her available for him to pick up for a day visit or something maybe. The problem is the less she's there the less she will feel "like family".

Its as if your daughter wasn't factored in at all! Step kids have their own rooms, yeah they live there full time but HIS OWN KID should have been thought about too! Like you said when she gets older, puberty etc how will it work? Will she continue to have a pull out bed in her little brother's rooms forever? If your daughter doesn't want to go there I wouldn't even force her to go. And the fact that she said she feels like a guest I'm sure she dreads going there. I would defo say to him sort out a space for your kid or she's not coming over as she's not comfortable.

Her dad and step mum are also trying for a baby how do you know this?

Not getting her anything at all for her birthday is an absolutely shit move unless he is genuinely broke. But seeing as he has a massive house I must have been able to afford something

Cafcass would say she needs her own bed and space to keep personal items.
Support her in staying away until he gets organised..

They’ve both told me separately (her dad and his wife) as we get on sporadically. I asked him if he wanted to go halves on my present and nothing, I sent him ideas for cheaper stuff and nothing. He could have even given her a bit of money to buy something but nothing🤯

Well then op you simply step up. Be the best parent you can be. She doesn't need such a useless df does she? Stop contacting him
.. Tell him when he can provide the basics for your dd you will talk to her about resuming contact..

My kids have been sleeping on sofas and bedroom floors for years now. Eldest stopped going when they were around 12. Youngest is heading the same way. They say there isn't any space in the house for them. And now feeling unwelcome. Although after 5 years they now have a toothbrush and a drawer there with few pants and socks.

I keep out of it. It isn't ok. But in current circumstances there is no room for our children. And that isn't about to change so they are both likely to vote with their feet. Of course it will be my fault. Because the alternative is for ex to self reflect and say he didn't make room in his life for the older children.

I stopped getting involved. It's not ideal at all but it is safe and the children will see who put the effort in as they get older. He never listened to me when we were together so is sure as hell not going to take on board anything I have to say now.

My dd doesn't go to her dad's at all. Her brother has the sofa and she was given a lilo on the floor. She said it was noisy, seats and uncomfortable. He sensibly moved into a one bedroom flat after we split. Not the most considerate of fathers.

Sweaty, not seats!

I would say to him once, that if he doesn’t make the effort with her it will affect their relationship.
I do understand the space issues but I’ve known people put bunk beds in a box room when needed. Not buying her a birthday present is just shittty.

It doesn’t sound like she’s valued as his daughter and she is obviously old enough to realise this. If she doesn’t want to go I would let her stay home. If the visits are court ordered, I’m sure at age 10 her wishes would be taken into account.