Why do people say this...

BabyTurtIe · 2022-02-28T20:11:26+00:00

“He won’t have a choice but to pay for the child” when talking about claiming maintenance, do people not realise some of us don’t get a single penny? And never have? I see it said so much on here as if maintenance is a given, Ive never got a single penny off my ex as he “isn’t working or claiming benefits” according to the cms. It’s so annoying that people assume it’s something we all get!

ChoiceMummy · 01/03/2022 05:41

Primarily because, on the whole, it's true.

Even when you take into account how awful the cms are viewed by many their stats show this is true also.

In the quarter ending June 2021, of 153,100 Paying Parents due to pay via the Collect & Pay service:
39,300 (26%) paid no maintenance
113,900 (74%) paid some maintenance:
36,300 (24%) paid up to 90% of the maintenance due for the quarter
77,600 (51%) paid over 90% of the maintenance due for the quarter

MarieG10 · 01/03/2022 05:46

Because the reality is that 49% get no or only some CM. That some could be a nominal £1 per week deducted from benefits. So that is a lot of people getting nil virtually.

The CMS a is rubbish. All the threat of an American approach of hitting deadbeat dads was the usual shit that was never enforced...ie taking driving licences away

Flatandhappy · 01/03/2022 05:54

Because a lot of people here spout crap, often thinking that because something has happened a certain way to themselves or someone they know that somehow that is “the rules”. The ones that make me want to bang my head against a wall are those who, when talking about where children will spend time after separation, make absolute statements about “no court would ever……” or “the judge will always…….”

My issue with the stats above is the fact that the figure for those who paid up to 90% would include those who might have paid 5% or less so not the real picture. Also, someone might be paying what they are assessed as owing so look totally compliant but that figure is skewed by self employment earnings being undeclared etc.

AchillesPoirot · 01/03/2022 05:58

It annoys me too.

And it annoys me when people say just go to CMS (which I have been guilty of as well at times) as if they’re some sort of answer.

With an ex who is self employed or does cash in hand work, you’ll be lucky to see a penny. And it’s not uncommon for that to be the case.

labyrinthlaziness · 01/03/2022 05:59

People make definitive statements about all sorts of things as a way to suppress the panicky feelings they get when they remember they are powerless and life is random.

That is my pop psychological analysis, anyway.

You have to just put them in the stupid box mentally and zone out.

Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 01/03/2022 10:30

Interesting to see the stats so thanks for that, I’ve always known a lot of people to never get anything, my sister didn’t get any maintenance for years because her ex was a student so they said he didn’t have to pay, I guess my ex is one of the ones that manage to get out of it and cms never do anything to pursue him, they’ve just wrote off his arrears of £500 from 2018-2022 he’s arrears are only £500 not even sure how that is correct considering he has never paid anything you would have thought it would have been higher!

OP posts:

kitkatsky · 01/03/2022 12:19

You're so right @BabyTurtIe.

megletthesecond · 01/03/2022 12:22

I know.
See also, "he'll have to spend every other weekend with his dc's". No he won't.

unicornsarereal72 · 01/03/2022 12:35

Some people have very sheltered lives. And believe there are powers to make people do things.

always annoys me when people post about getting money from nrp. Like I've been doing it wrong all these years. But I guess they just haven't experienced the system themselves.

Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 01/03/2022 13:04

That makes sense, I will remind myself it’s people that have been fortunate enough not to have direct experience with them (or they are one of the lucky ones!)

OP posts:

Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 01/03/2022 13:04

@megletthesecond

I know. See also, "he'll have to spend every other weekend with his dc's". No he won't.

Oh I see that one said a lot too, “you will get a break on the weekends when he takes them” my ex has never had our children in 5 years since we broke up!

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Moonface123 · 01/03/2022 13:28

l am widowed and get stuff like this inflicted on me, "Is Dad around ?" is particulary patronising. Or " Don' t you get a break at the weekends? "
Can we please agree not all single parents have an army of help.

Lyricallie · 01/03/2022 13:35

My mum brought my sister and I up after my dad was caught cheating (numerous times). She never got a penny he was always "self employed" but pretty sure he messed with the books. They couldn't take it from his pay cheque because he didn't get one. However this was 7 years ago so who knows what the rules are nowadays. It is ridiculous though to assume that. I'd probably assume the opposite now as I'm jaded.

ChoiceMummy · 01/03/2022 17:22

@Flatandhappy

Because a lot of people here spout crap, often thinking that because something has happened a certain way to themselves or someone they know that somehow that is “the rules”. The ones that make me want to bang my head against a wall are those who, when talking about where children will spend time after separation, make absolute statements about “no court would ever……” or “the judge will always…….”

My issue with the stats above is the fact that the figure for those who paid up to 90% would include those who might have paid 5% or less so not the real picture. Also, someone might be paying what they are assessed as owing so look totally compliant but that figure is skewed by self employment earnings being undeclared etc.

That's true , but the same can be said for the number of parents who were paying 100% in that bracket.

And it forgets that the majority of child maintenance agreements are informal.

Maverickess · 01/03/2022 17:30

@unicornsarereal72

Some people have very sheltered lives. And believe there are powers to make people do things.

always annoys me when people post about getting money from nrp. Like I've been doing it wrong all these years. But I guess they just haven't experienced the system themselves.

^ this

Some people think it's because we don't try hard enough, they can't conceive that it's because the system is rubbish and that although the powers to compel payment exist, in reality they're very rarely used.
Some people just don't like to think that some men do this of their own free will and look for ways to excuse it happening.
Then you have the ones who support it that way because the women should not breed with Deadbeats and if we do, what else can we expect (jury is still out on how to identify one though) and then the belief that men are paying to support their ex's lifestyle, not their child(ren), and of course that lifestyle is always not working, getting a tonne of benefits and a free house as well as loads in maintenance 🙄

justanothermanicmonday21 · 01/03/2022 20:53

Yes I've had massive misconceptions or then the why did you have kids with him? Well when I was with him he was actually an amazing hands on father who was just as involved as I was and tbh if we were to split I would of worried he'd actually go for full custody of the kids! Unfortunately all it took was another woman to turn his head and all his morals have gone out the window, he pays nothing and works cash in hand but claims benefits and has added OW kids onto our maintenance claim so he doesn't have to pay the £7 minimal payment! I've supplied CmS with his job, address, phone number and working hours and they rejected it straight away without even looking at it! I wonder how it all doesn't catch upto him when he has a brand new car, skiing and multiple holidays a year which obv don't fit a benefit lifestyle! How do they not get caught??

Sux2Buthen · 02/03/2022 08:23

Yes it's absolute bollocks, a shitty unfair system that doesn't work and a lot of people are lucky enough to not realise this.

Lightning020 · 24/03/2022 06:18

My 17 year old ds father sees our boy three times a year. My access has always been minimal since secondary school as he has another younger son and he lives 100 miles away to start with. At least d's goes out plenty so I enjoy plenty of space.

howtomoveforwards · 25/03/2022 19:00

I’ve brought up 3 children on zero maintenance for the last 13 years. The number of people who don’t believe that’s possible is beyond me. I have been asked so many times why I don’t go to the CMS.

The CSA managed to assess my ex for £3k in all that time. It has been a debt that has been written off. It is unreasonable and unfair.

Lightning020 · 26/03/2022 13:30

A friend of mine has a daughter who is now 18. She has never so much as met her birth dad nor has there been a penny for child maintenance in all these years. I also know an acquaintance in the same boat.

TorringtonDean · 27/03/2022 09:44

What about the assumption that the “wife gets the house and alimony”? Completely wrong. I had to buy the house - twice as far as I can see! First the actual mortgage and then paying my ex to go away. And except for the wives of oligarchs there’s no spousal maintenance. Although my ex was apparently hoping he would get it from ME! As we know many men also try to dodge paying anything for their kids as if they don’t need to eat, be housed or wear clothes after the dad pushes off. Men don’t have to see the kids at all - and mine chose not to. But then they claim that women keep them from their children. Some only push for 50/50 to save money. Other common assumptions are that lone parents live the high on benefits. Certainly not! People who haven’t been through it have all these odd ideas - all springing from the demonisation of women who dare to go it alone.

Lightning020 · 27/03/2022 14:56

I know of two women who had to declare bankruptcy as their exes ran up the most horrific debts. They both went from home ownership to private rent and they were both educated professionals too.

Sova · 24/05/2022 14:27

Exactly!!! I’m so tired of people telling me to go to CMS or that surely I can apply for some benefits. No and no. And asking me if I ever get a break and saying ohhh bless you…
NO!!!

Andromachehadabadday · 24/05/2022 14:37

I always think it’s best to budget without CMS if possible. I know it’s always possible.

Its amazing how people can get out of it. Exh is self employed.

and ‘at least you will get a break’ is a joke. Although I did find life easier when he disappeared with his latest woman. Uniform never came back, ds came back in clothes that didn’t fit. Or new trainers I had bought him, disappeared at exes house and he came back wearing shoes that don’t fit. Or dropping him at school with no swim kit. Not having him involved for the sake of one or two nights to myself is far better, for me.

Sova · 24/05/2022 14:42

Andromachehadabadday · 24/05/2022 14:37

I always think it’s best to budget without CMS if possible. I know it’s always possible.

Its amazing how people can get out of it. Exh is self employed.

and ‘at least you will get a break’ is a joke. Although I did find life easier when he disappeared with his latest woman. Uniform never came back, ds came back in clothes that didn’t fit. Or new trainers I had bought him, disappeared at exes house and he came back wearing shoes that don’t fit. Or dropping him at school with no swim kit. Not having him involved for the sake of one or two nights to myself is far better, for me.

That’s awful. I’d really would like to find another relationship at some point but don’t have much faith in men.
yes, I do try to just think whatever he gives will be a bonus but it is so bloody unfair!!!