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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Feeling like a failure

12 replies

danco · 27/02/2022 20:44

I have 2 DDs, 6 and 10 months old. I have been separated from my eldests dad for around 4 years now but she still has regular contact with him and his family most weekends, she is especially close with her nana and grandad (ex's dad & step mum) they adore her and she them, she gets spoilt rotten being their only grandchild which I have never minded I have always appreciated how much they do for her.

She spent the night with nana and grandad last night, I have just been to pick her up and her grandad mentioned to me that DD had said she would like to live there as it is more fun at their house, I laughed it off at first but now I'm quite upset. I had a chat with her on the way home about it and she said she didn't mean it she just misses them (she speaks with them on the phone daily and they live 5 mins away).

I take her out every weekend, swimming, parks, play centres etc, or we do activities indoors like games and arts and crafts. through the week I am none stop, I care for my nana through the day at her house as well as my youngest, pick DD up from school go home to cook clean see to both children baths etc so don't have much time for playing. I have always made sure she is included with her little sister and involve her with everything as much as I can, they idolise eachother, obviously my youngest is 100% dependent on me but I never leave my eldest out. When my youngest is napping or in bed I will then spend time with eldest just the two of us before her bed time.

I'm thinking DD maybe prefers it at her dads/grandads as she is the only child there and gets 100% of the attention and they have all the time for playing as they are making the most of their time with her.

I'm just having serious mum guilt and after some advice, I feel like I'm not doing enough and can't compete :( apologies for the long post.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

duvetdayforeveryone · 27/02/2022 20:55

"She spent the night with nana and grandad last night, I have just been to pick her up and her grandad mentioned to me that DD had said she would like to live there as it is more fun at their house"

I call bullshit!!! Unless you yourself heard her say it, it didn't happen! And they probably also want their son to have more custody.

duvetdayforeveryone · 27/02/2022 20:55

or they asked her directed questions that led her to give that answer.

Icantremembermyusername · 27/02/2022 20:59

My DC love having a sleepover with my folks - with or without me! They are doted on and indulged because it's a novelty. Ice lolly for breakfast, why not? Don't eat your tea? Here's a big bowl of sugary cereal! I don't mind - they all love it :-) and love to come back to normality after. Don't worry about it x

Wednesdayafternoon · 27/02/2022 21:02

I think that's a very cruel thing of them to tell you, regardless of whether she said it or not. How on earth is that supposed to make you feel?
Hope you're ok OP ♥️

Holly60 · 27/02/2022 21:04

Nope not buying it. You sound like a lovely mum and she doesn’t want to live away from you. Maybe she said it because she thought they’d like to hear it, but she doesn’t really mean it. Keep doing what you are doing mama

whatdodos · 27/02/2022 21:13

My 4yo tells me this too mu fave regularly, that he wants to stay at his aunty and uncles house forever etc. Its because they are perceived as more fun by them I.e. he's always given lots of chocolate, toys, there's a male figure there it's all a novelty and exciting and they aren't the ones who are usually doing the nagging etc. It was really mean of them to tell you said that and I guarantee she didn't mean it like that. As she grows up you'll be the consistent person in her life that gives her the routine and guidance she really needs and that's what matters. Your doing great lovely don't beat yourself up

whatdodos · 27/02/2022 21:13

My face*

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 27/02/2022 21:14

It's a bit like when you go on holiday somewhere hot and say "I'd love to live here" in reality what you love is the change of routine and new scenery, you'd soon get sick of it, sick of the dry arid conditions and wishing for the lush, greenness of the UK.

She is fortunate to have two other people in her life that love her, I'm a single parent to one Dd too, I work FT and study for a degree so Dd often goes to her grandparents and "loves it there", loves getting waited on hand and foot, loves a bacon and egg sandwich they do for lunch, loves going out and about with them when I'm snowed under, barely having time to make a cuppa, sometime she says she'd like to live there but doesn't mean she really means it or loves me or our time any less, it just means she had an enjoyable time. I'd much rather that than coming home in tears saying she hated it and was never going back.
Keep your chin up, life will get easier as the youngest gets older.

beggingforsleep · 27/02/2022 21:25

I'm not a single parent but my DS had chicken pox recently and when I said I was taking a day off work to look after him he cried and said he wanted to go to my DMs house instead because she plays with him and it's more fun there.

To be fair to him she probably does play more with him generally. Because she's retired and I work full time and he gets one to one time with her and when he's with me his sister is also around. During the week I'm tired and trying to get them to bed with minimal fuss so I can do more work and at the weekends I'm trying to catch up with housework in between their activities.

I laughed it off but it stuck with me. But parenting is very different to grandparenting. Our time will come when we have grandchildren of our own.

OhMygodddd · 27/02/2022 21:37

It’s normal when your a child. Like as an adult you go on holiday and it’s great and you say you want to live there but actually know that if you did, it’s not the same. What makes it fun is it’s not home, once it’s home, anywhere else is more fun.

Your doing great, don’t take it to heart, kids don’t understand what they are saying sometimes

mummypigoink · 27/02/2022 21:44

If children don’t want to live at their grandparents, one of you is doing something wrong!! It’s your job to bring your child up to be a civilised human being and grandparents job to adore and indulge them. I’m generalising but you get what I mean.

And I’ve never met a good mum who didn’t have mum guilt. You’re doing grand OP!!

BabyTurtIe · 28/02/2022 13:18

I don’t think she’s lying so disagree with pp, my daughter would love to go and live with my mum 😂 I don’t take offence to it and just like that it means she is happy there and has a good time which I would rather that than the opposite as my boys hate going there! Means I don’t get a break from them as they never want to go 😏 they say it’s boring there, but my daughter enjoys it as she’s the only one there. Of course it doesn’t mean they literally want to move in there so I think you are over thinking it a bit

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