Woke up about midnight to hear my dd1 (10) crying...

[mummyfantastico]

She is really missing daddy but felt bad that I'd heard her because she doesn't want me to worry.
So now I'm cross with xh for making so little effort with dds since he left just over 3 months ago.
Also guilty that she felt bad about telling me she was sad.

Poor thing and poor you. Reassure her that's it's fine for her to tell you how she's feeling
and tell xh about this, pronto.

Unfortunately the only thing xh seems to care about now is himself. Oh, and the tart he left for, and the fact he now has so much more money to spend on himself, even though i'm now struggling moneywise.
Last time i contacted xh about something bothering dd1 he shouted a torrent of abuse at me, then phoned dd1 to shout at her, then went to solicitors and made up some story of my discussing inappropriate things with dds. The only things inappropriate i have discussed are when they've been raised by dds after something xh has done/ said iyswim

Oh, thats so sad

I was 10 when my parents split up and it did hit me hard, I really felt that I'd done something to make my Dad leave.

Could you write to exh and explain the situation as calmly and unemotionally as possible? Your DD needs to have contact with him and I think you have to try again, for her sake. Perhaps a clear and concise letter would make him think?

She sounds lovely to be so worried about her Mom though.
Hoping things work out for you

awww bless her

to you and you DD

They do see him, just not very much. They saw him boxing day and he hasn't wanted to see them again til 12th jan, and that is actually a smaller gap than other visits.
When he's with them he tends to watch dvds (with them) or play on his xbox (on his own), and take them to mcdonalds, so asking him to see them more doesn't actually mean spending "quality time" with them.
He wasn't the best dad when he lived here, but he would do fun, family stuff cos i organised it. I don't know why he doesn't want to make an effort now. He doesn't even have to deal with any of the hard parts of being a parent, so really he could be doing really really fun stuff for a few hours and making them feel good.
I think the reason he's being so nasty at times is cos he feels guilty, but to me that is no excuse to phone dd1 just to have a go at her.
And both dds are really really lovely. DD1 is really caring and a real star to me and dd2. We are a generally happy little family, not that much changed since xh moved out, dd1 obviously just gets upset sometimes (understandably)

Could she have a mobile phone just to contact her dad so that you're taken out of the equation? Things sound incredibly 'heightened' between you and it's a shame if she gets caught in that; she obviously IS already coping with that feeling of being torn between you, as in missing her dad but not wanting to upset you.

She could text him or phone him as and when and that might ease her feelings of missing him.

It's also direct contact so it's purely up to your ex to actually step up to the mark and be available to her...

She has her own mobile which is how he called her to have a go. I have told her that any time she wants to contact him it's fine and i don't need to know. She has text him a few times which she has then told me about because he has not replied.
I am really fed up with him for everything he has done but i've put my children's feelings first in every occasion because i want them to be spared as much as possible. I wait til they're in bed to phone and rant at friends, i don't slag him off EVER in front of dds, in fact i try to make excuses for him eg he's really busy at work etc.
The main reason she knows that there is a real problem between me and xh is because he once turned up at the house to shout and swear and generally rant at me. I never found out why he did that because at the time he said a lot of things that might really have been bothering him (eg i've been sponging off him for years because i've worked part time while bringing up the kids) also other random things (eg i've got a man living with me and i'm making the kids call him dad. I have no intention of having a relationship til i get over this one, and even if i do meet someone one day he will never be "dad" to my kids)
Anyway, i stayed calm, because the kids were right there and just asked him to go, which he did eventually. And then i spent a long time calming them down. But when i asked him later what the real problem was, he just said "oh, you know..." Well, no, I don't know.
I have tried to be pleasant in every interaction with xh, but he will sometimes be a bit off hand, sometimes downright rude or angry.
I just want dds to be able to talk to me (or anyone they feel comfortable with) about their feelings, and worried that dd1 is bottling stuff up.

Oh MF, you do sound so lovely, my Mom used to discuss everything about the divorce (my Stepmom was involved, but Mom had been in two affairs previously) in front of me and my brother. Your restraint is amazing.

I think you need to write to your ex and just let him know that your DD's are suffering and need their Father. He sounds like he takes his guilt out on you and your girls and he really shouldn't, but you know that. Perhaps a calm and carefully worded letter would work?

as well as telling him that dds are suffering spell it out for him in no uncertain terms that he is doing serious long-term damage to his relationship with them. he is loosing out - and it will last a very long time. If he doesn't get his arse in gear right now the damage will likely be irreperable. he will miss them sharing with him how it feels to start school, to go to senior school, to have their first boyfriend, to pass their gsces, to get into uni and/or find their first job. move into their first flat....he will miss out on sharing all these things. when they are adults he'll be lucky if they have any contact with him at all. they might visit about twice a year, he will miss out on a good relationship with any grandchildren.

if you hurt and reject a 10 year old this is what happens. if you haven't guessed I speak from experience - I'm not bitter, I have never gone so far as to "reject" my dad and refuse contact with him but my relationship has suffered deeply from unthinking behaviour on his part when I was a kid.

Please tell your exh this - there is no reason at all why he can't make things ok, even though you have split.

you sound very much like you're doing everything you can to make things as ok as is in your power - your dds will recognise that - especially when they are older - it will cement an already good relationship. well done you.

My xh's mum has bipolar disorder, which when controlled is ok. However when xh was young she used to run off with men every so often, spend loads of money then come back and everyone had to act like nothing had happened.
When me and xh had been together a few months he spent an entire night crying and talking about his childhood.
A few years later he was diagnosed with depression, had anti-depressants for a few months and saw a counsellor (sp?)
Throughout our marriage he was very against anyone we knew who was unfaithful.
I also used to try to encourage him to meet up with his family etc but he rarely wanted to because his mum had been so awful.
Then he had an affair, left me and dds and sees a lot of his parents because (he claims) I can't stop him seeing them anymore.
He has also made a lot of claims about how our life together was eg constant arguments (i'm sure i would've noticed) etc etc
I think he's so confused and guilty about what has happened that he's just rearranged everything in his own head. So even if write him a letter, he'll probably think it's a load of rubbush.

Hatwoman, my dds and I do have a brilliant relationship. The reason my name is mummyfantastico is because that is the name they gave me last weekend!
It is because i'm so fab (no false modesty here!) that they are doing so well at the moment with all this crap.
Just wish i could do even better.

I try to be as honest as possible without saying anything that will hurt them. When dd2 (4) was playing up recently and i told her off she cried and said "i want to live with daddy"
I had to stop myself being honest and saying "well, he doesn't want to live with you!"
I'm hoping xh will start to show more interest, maybe as interest with g/f wanes? If he does, I don't want dds to feel like there was a point that he didn't want them. Does that make sense?

Hoping things improve for you and your girls, you do sound like a fantastic Mom, they are lucky to have you.

Thank you to everyone for their advice and support, I really appreciate it.