Need some advice about baby's father

Ursusmajor · 24/02/2022 13:14

I think it’s better he’s telling you this now rather than stringing you along while also dating in his hometown and not telling you (would be very easy for him to do).
Maybe he doesn’t feel sexually attracted to pregnant women and so he’s pulling away now you’re perhaps more visibly pregnant?
Sorry OP, it’s obviously pretty disappointing for you since you are/were hoping this would develop into a proper 2 parent family set up.
Can someone come stay with you for a few weeks when baby is born? Or can you stay with family? Newborns are such hard work because they don’t follow adult day/night sleep patterns at all to start with. It’ll help you hugely if there’s someone there who can hold baby while you shower/take baby for a little walk while you nap, and also just look after you a bit.

Suprima · 24/02/2022 13:17

@littlepickle22

I really need some advice about my baby's father and how to proceed.

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and the baby was conceived with a holiday fling abroad. We continued to date a little when he came to visit me in my hometown (London). Obviously not an ideal situation, but he took it quite well and certainly wants to be involved in the baby's life. He's made an effort to fly over to attend baby scans and appointments and is decent man who seems to like doing the right thing. He's 10 years older (I'm 30 and he's 40) and has no other children.

He was here a few days ago to see me (no baby scan or appointment then) and said that he thinks we should be friends and co-parent as friends (he also said something similar when he was here a month ago) and that he thinks if we started a relationship it would end badly and be a disaster with the baby coming (I think he's worried I'd stop him seeing the baby). I am confused by this, as again he has been over and wined and dined me, theatre tickets and giving me belated lavish birthday gifts, so I don't really see the point in all of this if he doesn't want to pursue things romantically and so I said there's no point us seeing each other until baby is born if that is the case. He seemed upset at that, but he doesn't seem to take account of my feelings. I had hoped it would work out romantically and we could raise the baby as a family. We get on well and have lots of chemistry. He also thought that sleeping together would complicate the situation (rejection is never nice so I didn't take it that well), but I wonder if he's one of those men that doesn't like sleeping with a pregnant women (he had a very Catholic upbringing with perhaps a touch of the Madonna-Whore complex). Of course baby comes first, but I don't know how to move forward in this situation now. I suppose I'm also wondering if things might develop romantically when baby arrives? Sorry for such a long post.

If he wanted to take you in his arms and make you his lover as well as the mother of his child, that would have happened.

The ‘wining and dining’ just shows he has cash spare, and wants to make you happy and comfortable. He has very clearly communicated that he doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you.

You need to start saying ‘no’ to anything that is date-like and put him some clear boundaries, or this is just going to lead to heartbreak for you.

Suprima · 24/02/2022 13:17

Put in*

adriftabroad · 24/02/2022 13:22

He's being kind doing these nice things and fair telling you the truth and wants to coparent.

Win win.

RedCandyApple · 24/02/2022 13:27

I don’t see what he’s done wrong. He doesn’t want a relationship with you and doesn’t want to sleep with you, at least he’s not sleeping with you and pretending he wants a relationship to get sex which many do, honestly would you have been pursuing a relationship if you wasn’t pregnant? Doesn’t sound like it.

awmum2b · 24/02/2022 13:40

I’m the other side of a very similar situation, not in a committed relationship and my child’s father lives abroad. We decided not to try for a relationship and concentrate on co-parenting the best we could. I think it’s been the right decision for us as a family. My child has 2 parents that are friends, we can converse as friends on the phone when he calls to speak to our child, we can be in the same house and spend time altogether on outings when he visits, he is just starting to build confidence in solo outings (a lot of that is due to lack of face of face because of COVID) We’ve never had those deep feelings or resentment that come from trying a relationship and it not working out.

It’s incredibly hard to survive a relationship, even a super committed one with a new baby/small child, perhaps he is playing it safe in protecting both of you from starting something in extreme circumstances. Especially when it would likely throw up other factors like job n home moves for him.

For now I would concentrate on you, plan to go it alone. Anything else is a bonus. Best of luck…it’s challenging but the absolute best thing I’ve ever done.

PinkSyCo · 24/02/2022 13:50

I think you’re very lucky that your one night stand has turned out to be a decent, mature and sensible man who can see the wood for the trees.

Original poster

Littlepickle22 · 24/02/2022 15:06

Thank you for the useful replies. Yes, it's probably true I wouldn't have been fussed about pursuing anything with him if I weren't pregnant. I probably would have lost interest. I suppose I feel it should be given a go since I am though.

Yes, I think the distance is a roadblock to a relationship with him (which he previously mentioned). He's also just out of a relationship of 18 months. In fact he was with his ex gf when we first slept together (and had told me he was single), but broke up with her 2 weeks later. I suppose that doesn't exactly make him great relationship material anyway.

I'm just concerned that as it stands (with me feeling hurt) that it's going to be hard to have him around me when he's seeing the baby, especially the early days when I'm breastfeeding and the baby is glued to me. I don't feel like I want him at any more scans/appointments or the baby's birth, since his presence will cause me upset. He also likely would have expected to stay at my flat when the baby is here and now I can't see that being a very attractive prospect for me (I have a one bedroom flat etc).

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 24/02/2022 17:39

I would try to keep things civil, it would be best for the baby going forward, he doesn’t have to stay at yours though surely he can get a hotel? I don’t think you need to be together just because you are having a baby.

Gardenista · 24/02/2022 17:50

He sounds very fair in not leading you on and keeping it civil. It would be best for your child if you can both get along.
I think scans etc are fine but consider whether you might find a friend/ relative a better birth partner. Giving birth is hard. I divorced during pregnancy and my ex husband was not present at our child's birth.

Gardenista · 24/02/2022 17:52

If he is not British you may want to take some legal advice on the implications of him being on your child's birth certificate.

awmum2b · 25/02/2022 12:43

I would definitely look at another birth partner, the whole process isn't really about the baby if i'm honest...birthing is very mother orientated and it's a hugely vulnerable time.

I had initially planned on my child's father being there, but due to having to fly in he didn't make it on time (or really chose not to make it on time), it wasn't an easy labour and I'm pleased that i had someone there that was focused and advocating for me.

He also does not stay at my house, he gets and AirBnB close by and visits...as i said we're on friendly terms and so he is welcome to use my space (and my daughters home) during the day when he visits, i'm happy to have dinner etc with him in my home but we've worked on our co-parenting relationship to allow this to happen.

This is all very new for you and you do have (and are entitled to have) the disappointment that this isn't a romantic relationship. Take the time to feel what you feel and go from there, you have a long journey ahead in a different kind of relationship with this man.

And no, don't have him on the birth certificate. Mine has a doubled-barrelled surname (because i was comfortable with this) but i'm the sole name on the BC. I am not giving someone else that amount of power over my life.

Gardenista · 26/02/2022 19:31

@awmum2b

I would definitely look at another birth partner, the whole process isn't really about the baby if i'm honest...birthing is very mother orientated and it's a hugely vulnerable time.

I had initially planned on my child's father being there, but due to having to fly in he didn't make it on time (or really chose not to make it on time), it wasn't an easy labour and I'm pleased that i had someone there that was focused and advocating for me.

He also does not stay at my house, he gets and AirBnB close by and visits...as i said we're on friendly terms and so he is welcome to use my space (and my daughters home) during the day when he visits, i'm happy to have dinner etc with him in my home but we've worked on our co-parenting relationship to allow this to happen.

This is all very new for you and you do have (and are entitled to have) the disappointment that this isn't a romantic relationship. Take the time to feel what you feel and go from there, you have a long journey ahead in a different kind of relationship with this man.

And no, don't have him on the birth certificate. Mine has a doubled-barrelled surname (because i was comfortable with this) but i'm the sole name on the BC. I am not giving someone else that amount of power over my life.

This is really good advice, particularly about the surname. You can change this but not the birth certificate. I would say there is not need really to discuss surname until you have a better idea of the commitment from the father