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Original poster

Ex behaving badly - how to handle?

13 replies

newlyseparated · 21/02/2022 11:49

Me and my ex split in Oct, he moved out at Christmas (finally!) but his behaviour has been really awful since then. We can't agree on access to our 2 year old, he is demanding to see her every day but I've been letting him see her 3x a week (which I think is reasonable). He is refusing to give back the key to our flat (because he's still technically on the tenancy so he says he doesn't have to) and when I went away for 2 days he let himself in and stole half my daughter's toys. Some of them he had got her but not all (some I had got and some were gifts for her birthday off other family members e.g. his mum - I do not think it is acceptable for him to take these at all!). He was supposed to be having her for the morning on Saturday but they hadn't got back by 12.30pm which is her naptime, he wasn't answering any of my calls. At 1pm he texted me saying he would bring her back at 2.30pm and refused to tell me where they were or answer my calls. I pointed out that this is not 'morning'!). He refuses to tell me his address even though he's started taking our LG there even though I told him I didn't want him to until I'd seen it and met the random man he shares it with. I am really stressed out by it all and feel like I'm on the bring of a nervous breakdown. We are going to do mediation but not for a few weeks and I just can't tolerate this behaviour anymore but I don't know what to do. I can't change the locks because it's a rental and he's still on the tenancy. I don't trust him to take her out of the house because he just doesn't bring her back on time and won't tell me where he lives.
Any advice?

OP posts:

unicornsarereal72 · 21/02/2022 13:03

You need to pick your battles. I know how hard this is. But there are something you have no control over at all.

What happens on his watch is on him. He can judge the safety of other adults just like you do on your watch. You can't police him and who he spends time with. So don't die on this hill. Because he will then challenge your decisions in retaliation.

Contact needs to be consistent so the child know where they are. Although yours is only little school will be upon you so don't give him every weekend. The usual is either the starting point of 50/50. Or every other weekend and an evening in the week.

Ask him what he proposes as an ad hoc routine is not good for your little one or you. Although he don't bring yourself into the arrangement. Just focus on what is best for the child

His address is something I would ask for and want to know but I'm sure this isn't a requirement either. Just good practice.

There are going to be things he does as a parent you won't like. Snacks. Nap times the clothes they dress your lo in. Always step back and think of he was telling me about this how would I feel. The priority is your child is safe. He can patently badly. It may not be to your standard. But as long as they are safe I would try and let go of the other stuff.

I do know how hard that is. When I was first on my own the kids went eow slept on air beds next to ex and ow. They ate take always and watches films all weekend. The kids never brushed their hair or teeth. Social services were involved for other reasons but none of that was on their radar at all. They put it down as poor/different parenting.

You have many years of co parenting with this person. So fight the big stuff and let everything else slide for your own well being.

unicornsarereal72 · 21/02/2022 13:07

Oh also the time thing is about control and messing you about. Can he have her for the day overnight. Once he thinks you have plans and aren't sitting at home worrying he will stop playing this game.

I tried to be accommodating of my ex but he just expected us to be sat waiting for him to grace us with a visit. It was hard but I put in firm boundaries. Eow. Pick up 5pm Friday. If he was late by 30 mins we would go out. And he would wait until. The next day. If he was 'ill' on his weekend he missed it. And waited for the next eow

He wanted me to be able to not plan my free time. He didn't like it at all because I took his control away. No fuss no drama. You can't come fine. They will be available at your next weekend.

Original poster

newlyseparated · 21/02/2022 13:18

@unicornsarereal72

Oh also the time thing is about control and messing you about. Can he have her for the day overnight. Once he thinks you have plans and aren't sitting at home worrying he will stop playing this game.

He wanted me to be able to not plan my free time. He didn't like it at all because I took his control away. No fuss no drama. You can't come fine. They will be available at your next weekend.

Thanks I think this is sound advice. I guess you're right about picking the battles - relinquishing control is super hard especially when you think you know what is going to be better for your LO and the other person is not doing it that way e.g. when he messes about with her nap I know it affects her loads and totally messes up bedtime for me. I agree EOW would work better but he doesn't have somewhere he can have her overnight and he wants to see her every day so there's no way he will agree to going a long period without seeing her. But I totally agree, it's not fair for me to have all my weekends tied to being around for him to see her and it's not sustainable once she is at school etc. I'm going to suggest EOW at mediation but I know he'll say no. I guess once we have a firmer agreement we can put in some rules like that which would be great for me as I am a very punctual and reliable person whereas he is the opposite so it would be good to be able to say tough luck you missed the boat. Him having the key to my flat is upsetting me though and taking her toys away when we were out. Not sure what I can do about this though. I swear he's just doing it all to mess with me and play mindgames, it is just not acceptable behaviour in my view.

OP posts:

Lalala1 · 21/02/2022 20:24

Is he on the tenancy agreement? Paying half the rent? I’d go to your landlord and speak to them about getting him off it if he is. Him having a key when he no longer lives there and coming and going as he pleases isn’t right and you can’t live like that. Taking the toys us petty and he’s done it to get at you and will use the “I bought them blah blah” just ignore it don’t let him know it bothered you . He has no right to want to see her everyday like pp has said it’s either normally 50/50 or set days and EOW u can’t live with him dictating your life by coming and going as he pleases your daughter needs stability.
I’d try bite your tongue until mediation as long as your not denying him contact and are child focused he won’t get “his” way through mediation or through courts if it ends up there x

Original poster

newlyseparated · 21/02/2022 20:52

Thank you. Yes sadly he’s on the tenancy agreement but he never paid any of the rent even when he lived here! I’ve asked the estate agent but I’m not sure how much it will cost to get him taken off and I feel I might need to save my money in case this all ends up in court. Totally agree he’s being so unreasonable and not at all child focused and I am really doing my best to be reasonable but I have to draw some boundaries. Hoping mediation will help, I’ve never ever denied access and have always tried to compromise and be fair where possible. I wouldn’t be at all happy with 50/50 but given his unsuitable accommodation that isn’t going to happen. I will try to bite my tongue a bit but I do want to sort the key situation as I feel very insecure in my own house like maybe he’ll just show up anytime

OP posts:

1Micem0use · 22/02/2022 18:15

Keep the door in the lock at night. Then he cant get in even with his key.

RandomMess · 22/02/2022 18:22

Honestly it's a shame you lost your keys and had to change the locks. How long until you can get the tenancy sorted into just his name?

Original poster

newlyseparated · 23/02/2022 09:16

@RandomMess

Honestly it's a shame you lost your keys and had to change the locks. How long until you can get the tenancy sorted into just his name?

I'm trying to work out how much it will cost - someone told me it could be £1000+ !!! And he has to agree to be removed as well... so a couple of obstacles.

OP posts:

Original poster

newlyseparated · 23/02/2022 09:16

@1Micem0use

Keep the door in the lock at night. Then he cant get in even with his key.

Yeh that's a really good idea at night to make sure he doesn't come in the middle of the night or something

OP posts:

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/02/2022 09:22

What sort of lock have you got op? Upvc replacement barrels are 65 quid.

Easy to change yourself.
YouTube have easy tutorials.

Zoomtothemoo · 04/03/2022 22:47

He's your child's parent too. Unfortunately, despite your child's young age, you can't micromanage his time with his/your child.

How would you feel if he told you that you couldn't see your child everyday?

IdblowJonSnow · 04/03/2022 23:09

Its less than 100 to change most locks. I'd look into it. And find out how much it is to get his name off agreement.

Demanding to see her every day is not reasonable.

It's hard. Good luck.

endofthelinefinally · 04/03/2022 23:14

Speak to your health visitor about the random man sharing the accommodation where he takes your child. This is a potential safeguarding issue.

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