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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I don't know how we can ever be 'friends' and I'm so worried about how this will affect dd as she grows up...

30 replies

massivebigpantsface · 02/01/2008 17:17

Its only been a month since we split and considering he has already moved his new girlfriend into our old flat, I think I'm doing ok.
I'm just so determined that, whatever has happened between us, we have as good a relationship as possible for dd's sake.

The problem is I know he feels guilty for what he has done to me but he also blames me for making him feel guilty. I don't go out of my way to do this - his feelings, his problem.

But it seems that he is just directing all his negative feelings at me. Some days he's fine and then others, like today when I dropped dd off at his flat, he was a complete and utter bastard.

I have done nothing wrong, all I want is for dd to feel safe and happy but how can we work together as her parents if he continues to treat me like this?

OP posts:

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 02/01/2008 17:35

shameless bump

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Tinkerbeltinsel · 02/01/2008 17:51

looks like its too soon for you both to be friend's, maybe just keep the small talk to a minimum and only speak when it concerns your daughter, sometimes ex's can never be friends and just tolerate each other cause they have a child, this might be how it is for you, just remember though cause he is negative towards you it dont mean he will be like it with your daughter.

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 02/01/2008 18:11

thank you. we do only really speak about her now - I've already learnt that its too hard to chit chat even, I don't want to hear about what him and his new girlfriend are doing

But today, for example, he couldn't even be civil. For no real reason. I know he is not handling things very well and if I'm honest I would much rather not see him at all but as we have dd I just think that its so important for her to feel secure as she grows up.
I hate to think things are just going to be like this all the time and I now have him in my life forever - and not in the way I had wanted!

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charliecat · 02/01/2008 18:23

Its early days, if he cant be civil then say NOTHING, I have to do this a lot.
And having set contact days means we completely minimise the amount of talk needed.
What age is dd?

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 02/01/2008 18:31

she's only 11m so obviously is unaware of anything really. We have already decided on set contact days which is better, especially now christmas is out the way I can establish a more normal life.
I'm just so sad and worried about her - just things like when she starts school, parents evenings, her birthday - she's 1 soon and I'd hoped that she would have us both there for her.
I know time is a great healer and things will change but I just have this feeling that he's using me as a symbol of all the things he hates about himself, his guilt. I can't bear the thought of dd knowing there is this awful feeling between her mummy and daddy.

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pinguthepenguin · 02/01/2008 18:54

Massive.

People who have hurt another person are often unkind to that person. Its because you (blamelessly) ahve given him a guilty conscience and he resents you for making him feel that way.
I'm currently in your position, baby is 6mo and can't ever imagine being friends (or even want to be, tbh)with exp. That said, I imagine I won't always feel this way.

It'll get better for you.

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 02/01/2008 18:56

thank you pingu, I know that you are right. I hope things will be better for you this year too.

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mistletoemiggins · 02/01/2008 20:35

I will say that you may be "friends" one day but it will take time
I am over 2 yrs down the road & we can be friendly.
To be honest, its ex's GF who creates tension between us which is a joke considering she is the OW

however just focus on chat about DD only & always make sure you look good & behave well to him - does wonder for your self-esteem and confuses the hell out of them

be kind to yourself - its early days

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 03/01/2008 14:22

thank you miggins, that is very encouraging! I've lost a stone during this stressful time and am feeling quite confident about myself despite everything

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Lauriefairycake · 03/01/2008 14:26

Also it's so easy when he comes to pick up to ask normal questions and make chit-chat, however there is no such thing now as 'normal' questions -

'Did you have a nice Christmas'? is going to inevitably lead to a what me and the girlfriend did response

Even 'How are you' is loaded.

So just communicate about dd with no other small talk questions that you would have with anyone else.

DavidTennantsMistress · 03/01/2008 14:29

it does get easier - we're 4 months on - for the first 5 weeks I couldn't stand to talk to him - I did and let him see DS but I hated him, totally and utterly hated him, for the situation and what he'd done. after about 2 months we started to be more civial towards each other.

now we can hold a conversation and whilst most of the time he goes as soon as DS is asleep, we can sit at the table and eat dinner together, or talk about things - fashions and such likes (he's after new clothes). but it's not been easy - and tbh I don't ask about his life (have no intrest in it) he volenterrs stuff but I tell him nothing about my life unless it concerns DS.

your X will soon realise what he's done and is missing - the grass isn't always greener/easier the other side, when he's about always look your best! the weight will carry on dropping off, lol. and remeber out with the old in with the new. Your DD will be ok - the main thing I feel is not to talk badly about the other parent in front of the child.

mistletoemiggins · 03/01/2008 20:49

agree DavidTennantsMistress
NEVER bad mouth other partners however hurt you feel

I have never said anything negative about exs GF even though I think it & consequently my DCs seem well adapted.
My ex can never turn round and accuse me of stirring - all my family behave impeccibly

grass is always greener but usually ends up as straw

Gizmo100 · 03/01/2008 23:17

Massive, Im in the same situ as yourself - cannot stand the sight of my ex H (because of his erratic behaviour post split) and like you can never see us being friends. The problem I have is that he left because he said (although dscussed and agreed b4 & during marriage) he wasnt ready for kids but for show (and thats what it is) is asking for contact left right and centre because it looks good to his friends and family. Like people have already said always look your best thats what I do (I dont want him thinking he has broken me!) and as my male boss advised when you meet for the contact say nothing and more importantly look really happy because that will put the fear of god into him!!! One day he will look back and regret what he has done.

lostdad · 04/01/2008 08:36

I would agree. Be polite and civil if it kills you. If the whole thing degenerates and it ends up in court for any reason, the only winners are the solicitors and the biggest loser is your DD.

From a personal perspective - my ex left without notice and hasn't spoken to me since she left nearly a year ago. Despite my attempts to communicate (politely! civilly!) for our son's benefit she refuses to talk to me face to face, via the phone, via email.

It's ended up in court. 2 hearings down, 1 to go and probably more for coming years.

I'd rather spend my time and money being a good parent - but is either court...or give up on my son's right to have two loving parents.

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 04/01/2008 09:02

thanks so much everyone, it seems you are all saying the same thing...

So I breezed in there to collect dd yesterday, looking not half bad by my standards anyway, and cheerily asked what sort of night dd had had etc. He responded like a human being should (serious split personality since the previous day he was the devil incarnate) , and then attempted further friendly 'chat' - at which point I left telling him he could pick dd up as usual on Sunday.
I felt so much better and more confident.

Also, normally when I drop dd off I have always made a big point, a fuss even, about not going into the flat at all as I didn't want to see 'her' stuff around what was once my home.
But after he has behaved like such a , I didn't bat an eyelid when helping get dd's things from the living room.
She IS welcome to him. He is a great dad, but a poor excuse for a husband i have come to realise.

My priority has always been dd and I fully intend to do my best to ensure she has a great relationship with her Dad, and the OW should their relationship last (hahahah!)

I remember as a child myself, comments my mother ocassionaly made about my step-mum, that just made me feel very uncomfortable and I do not want dd to feel that way.

Sorry for the long post, I'm just getting off my chest really!

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blanki · 04/01/2008 09:46

Well done you pants1! Only just read the post, close to my own experience, only xh's ow was his mother! Also left me for schoolgirl- nice. I know how devastating this is, was heartbroken that ds wouldnt grow up in 'regular' family. Xh was really total b*d as well, I just claimed the moral highground, consistantly presented myself in a polite, cheerful manner. Met another man, how sorry and intimidated was he at taller, better looking, had better job,car two houses etc np! Chose to split from him to focus on ds, but still feel good re it. Ds was a baby when we split and we use a diary for things like calpol, poos and the like. It means if he wants to be in the huff, mummy still has the info and no loss to ds.
All said, you sound like you are very strong and coping really well! Wishing you and dd health and happiness for 2008!

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 04/01/2008 10:11

thanks blanki, sounds like you have had a rough ride too, but you seem strong yourself. Hope life is better for you now

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pinguthepenguin · 04/01/2008 12:56

MBPF.

I think what you're experiencing, is not only the awful feeling of hostility between yourself and a man you created a child with, but you're mourning the future you thought you had with him, and understandly, you're very sad. It doesn't help that, like many women/mothers, you're constantly worrying about the future for your child and her father. I'm currently experiencing issues so very close to yours, incl the situation with ow, and I know how hard it is at this early stage. The fact that you can already talk in the way you do, indicates what a caring mum you really are.

I think, from the advice I've had here and is rl, is that it's important to take one day at a time, and not to stress that your current situation with exh is indicative of how it will always be. I imagine that eventually, he will get bored of making you the reason for his self-loathing, and you will reach some middle ground. It's extremely hard to be civil to a man who has hurt you deeply, but as many posters have rightly advised, maintaining the moral high ground means you will always come out the winner.

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 06/01/2008 20:51

I am not finding it at all hard to be civil tbh, it seems to be him with the problem.
And actually since his pathetic little outburst on the day I started this thread, I feel stronger and better than ever thoughout this whole thing. His actions have made me realise I'm SO much better than that!
thanks for your continued support.

OP posts:

Hassled · 06/01/2008 20:59

It sounds to me like you're doing really well - and it is very early days. It is something that warrants working hard at (the being civil bit) because there will be years and years of it - school parents' evenings, Christmas concerts - where you have to be able to at least appear to get along. I split with my ex when older kids were 5 and 7 - they're now 18 and 20 and while I could have written your post at the time, he's now one of my best friends. We share 2 fantastic children and no one else will ever have quite the same love for them, so while it's been hard going (and isn't possiblefor everyone, I realise), I don't regret the number of times I bit my tongue and counted to 10. It will get easier!

lostdad · 07/01/2008 08:55

Agreed.

Now...can someone explain this to my ex because otherwise I've got another 17 years of my dealing with my ex mother-in-law unless she realises this and stops `hiding' from me.

BandofMothers · 07/01/2008 09:14

Oh Pants, I haven't been around for a while, and had no idea you were in this place. I think it makes it easier to let go when they act like morons. You are in the very early stages, like others have said, give yourself time to get used to the new arrangements, you are already finding it easier, or it is not bothering you as much anyway, so think how you may feel in another 6 mths, which is not very long at all really.
Plus you're gorgeous girlie and the men will soon be flocking Tho that too might make him act like an arse, in that "it's okay for me but not for you" thing that men do sometimes

Be strong, you will be a fabulous mum for you beautiful dd, and she will be fine. My mum did a great job raising us pretty much on her own, and actually on her own for a lot of the time.

OracleInaCoracle · 07/01/2008 09:21

pants, you are doing extraordinarily well. we are all here for you my love x

PrincessSnowLife · 07/01/2008 09:41

oh no - I didn't know that things had got this far. Last I saw of you, you had just found your lovely new place. Just read through this thread adn sounds like you are being strong and logical about things. Good girl - keep it up.
Thinking of you.

SlartyBartFast · 07/01/2008 09:42

sad for you pants.
not qualified to answer but it will get better.
think of yourself and your dd now.

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