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Lone parents

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Original poster

He refuses to pick them up or pay childcare-help!

19 replies

hekeepskicking · 08/02/2022 23:46

My ex and I have been separated 4 years and divorced 2 and share two girls. He has then 50:50 but on nights only, I have to finish work early and pick them up for him to come and collect them off me when he finishes his big important job. Every day he is supposed to have them. He then drops them to childcare I have paid for the next morning. Because he is a high earner he has to pay a few hundred in maintenance and says I still have to pay for everything as I have 'day to day' care. He keeps trotting out this 'day to day care' what is he on about? I can't work full time because of this and if I don't pick them up he will just leave them at school. Every time I say anything he says I'm motivated by money. Can anyone shed any light on this

OP posts:

Mediumred · 09/02/2022 00:04

Ugh, sorry, what an asshole, am no expert but that is so shit to say you have day to day! he is not paying full cMS as he has overnights but that must involve some day care, could CMS help with advice? Best of luck, he is an asshole and to say you are motivated by money when he is keeping you and your girls short by not fulfilling his responsibilities shows he is awful

Meh2020 · 09/02/2022 00:15

Urgh, he sounds awful. If it is 50:50 my understanding is that he pays on his days.
So what if you are motivated by money (you don’t come across that way by the way) he should be paying. Maybe if he paid what he should there wouldn’t be an issue. Can you afford legal advice?

Totalwasteofpaper · 09/02/2022 00:16

Don't do it so he doesn't have them 50/50 and claim the extra maintenance

What a cock.

Meh2020 · 09/02/2022 00:18

Also OP 50:50 but nights only is not 50:50!

It’s sleepovers with dad and you doing the lions share or as he calls it, the day to day care.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2022 00:22

Every day he is supposed to have them.
I'm confused. How many nights are they sleeping over? He's taking them to child care who takes them to school because you're in work early? Then you pick from school and drive to his? What about weekends?

Meh2020 · 09/02/2022 00:29

He’s being very unfair as he’s reduced what he has to pay to you by adding the nights for the CMS calculation.

If I were you I would recalculate with the children staying with you for the week and splitting time to every other weekend - so you have them in the week and every other weekend and then, using that figure, compare it to what he pays you now for maintenance but add on his childcare fees for breakfast and after school club. Give him the choice of what he should or could be paying and take it from there.

You might also want to highlight that whilst he is being difficult and underpaying it is causing you stress which naturally interferes with your parenting. What a nasty man.

Blossom64265 · 09/02/2022 00:32

He is supposed to be responsible for his children for a 24 hour period for his “nights”. That includes picking them up from school, paying for child care, buying clothing, paying for school lunches and more. That is his parenting time.

Christoncrutches · 09/02/2022 00:32

What an absolute cock...

Blossom64265 · 09/02/2022 00:33

Oh also covering sick days or school closures that fall in his time.

Wreath21 · 09/02/2022 00:34

No wonder you dumped this dickhead. It's probably best to seek some legal advice regarding the amount he is paying, as PP have said - it doesn't sound right - and he certainly doesn't get to have everything his own way.

Yearofthetygerburningbright · 09/02/2022 02:19

It sounds like he is having them slightly less than 50/50 anyway, so that may be your starting point. If it's

timeisnotaline · 09/02/2022 02:23

I’d cancel some nights unless they genuinely make your life easier and claim more maintenance. ‘You need to spend awake time with them, this isn’t working for our dc and it’s not fair on me’ Offer him every other weekend instead, and he can take you to court if he wants.

wildseas · 09/02/2022 02:30

I would give him a bit of notice that you can no longer do pickups on his days as you need to work too.

At that point he will either sort his own childcare in his own name (and therefore he will be responsible for the bill) or he will reduce his overnights. If he reduces overnights you will be entitled to more maintenance.

If he sorts afternoon childcare in his name then give it a bit of time and then ask him to move his mornings onto his account.

icklekid · 09/02/2022 02:38

The only one motivated by money is him! He needs to understand that in order for you to be self sufficient you need to work and therefore on his days he needs to either organise and pay for child care or pick them up. You organise and pay for it on your days. It’s equal and fair. Mediation if need be for someone else to spell it out!

Blahtastic · 11/02/2022 21:27

I was in situation similar to this and was advised by a solicitor to stop contact, make him take me to court and then have terms of the contact agreed by the court. She said the dad should collect from school on his days. I didn't do anything about it at the time as didn't want to rock the boat but looks like I'm headed that way now as Ex keeps taking the p*. She said picking up from school, sorting tea and bedtime is all part and parcel of contact on that person's day, to spend time with the child.

Lachimolala · 12/02/2022 02:58

@Blahtastic

I did something very similar to this, his version of 50/50 was him having them half the nights but refusing to pay for childcare and leaving all the day to day grunt work to me with the added insult of no maintenance. If they were poorly it was me who had to get them, always me who had to do all the pick ups and drop offs despite him driving and me not, me that had to put for everyone so all the GP, dentist etc.

I forced his hand in taking me to court, I will have his parenting responsibilities laid out in an iron clad child arrangements order whether he likes it or not.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 12/02/2022 03:29

My ex also tried to do this to me!
I sent a very formal message that said that I had a promotion that meant I was unable to pick the kids up on his days.
Could he let me know whether he would like to arrange his own childcare for his days or cancel those days as he can’t manage the children and working.
He thought I was being very unfair. He took me to court to force me to collect them from school and keep them until he was ready to collect them. I said I wouldn’t. He was welcome to have them any days he could collect them.
Court sided with me unsurprisingly but I did have a fair bit of pushing from Cafcass trying to make me actually!

SpaceRaiders · 12/02/2022 13:43

A word of warning; if you think going to court and getting an order will prevent any of this type of behaviour, it won’t unfortunately.

From my experience NRP can and will refuse to do their fair share and no court will force them to. Your options really are to grit your teeth until dc are old enough where childcare isn’t needed and or make adjustments to your own working hours to accommodate their needs.

Lachimolala · 12/02/2022 21:23

@SpaceRaiders

A word of warning; if you think going to court and getting an order will prevent any of this type of behaviour, it won’t unfortunately.

I’m fully expecting my ex to do this. He won’t stick to it and I already know this, but it will mean I can then use it as proof of overnights in order to claim the maintenance he currently refuses to pay and also for some protection if he has yet another tantrum and threatens to keep them from me indefinitely like he always does when I try to enforce any kind of boundary.

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