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Original poster

ExH not seeing the children

11 replies

sal1223 · 30/01/2022 20:36

Long story short , split last May after 15 years together due to his infidelity and drug use . 2 dc (8&7) youngest has sen.
He has been seeing them at the family home as his accommodation is unsuitable , and actually so is he. This was going ok but lots of not turning up and being 'busy' . From what I've heard he has been going full blown divorced / midlife crisis , women/drink & drugs etc . EVERYTIME they FaceTimed him he was a pub.

He contacted me after not seeing them for 2 weeks saying he wasn't coping and thought best to stay away for now - I said ok let me know when you're feeling better .
He then asked us to meet him for dinner , fine did that all ok. He's since not seen them or been in contact for over 2 weeks .
I decided this year I won't be chasing him to see them , I've said I will facilitate contact but it's not my responsibility to maintain it . But my eldest is upset and I just don't know what to do - I think it's awful he's not been in touch , by the sounds of it he's not doing anything to help himself - has injured himself punching things and been signed off work . I don't know how safe I'd actually feel with him here now if the rumours are true.
We have no court order in place , the divorce was clean cut with arrangements for the children to be agreed between us.
What do I do ? Do I call him and ask what's going on ? Do I let the children call him ? Do I wait and see when he'll get in touch ? What a mess 😥

OP posts:
tribpot · 30/01/2022 20:46

It doesn't sound like it would be in your dc's best interests to see him at the moment. I think you're right not to chase him for contact, you've left the door open for him.

Understandably your older dc is upset by the lack of contact. Could you tell him his dad isn't well and struggles to remember to call them or something similar? Are you in contact with anyone in their dad's family?

Rno3gfr · 30/01/2022 20:54

I think it’s probably best to stay away until he gets the help he needs. My dad suddenly stopped seeing me around age 6 due to his alcoholism and it has caused a few emotional issues around abandonment. Just make sure you explain to your dc repeatedly that daddy is fine but needs time to feel better as he’s a little ill at the moment and that none of it is their fault- I stress they need to understand he hasn’t stopped seeing them because of themselves.

wildseas · 30/01/2022 20:59

When mine are missing their dad -because hes shit at calling him- it helps them a lot to write/draw things for him. I let them do it as much as they want whenever they want to. We put them in a special envelope for Daddy and give it to him when we next see him. I don't know if that would help at all?

Original poster
sal1223 · 30/01/2022 21:46

Thanks for the replies , yes I agree , and agreed with him that it's best he does stay away while he's not coping . I have said daddy not well at the moment . None of his family live near or have much to do with him . Yes like the idea of getting them to do pictures etc .
I just don't know if I should contact him - he's behaved so appallingly towards me and is not my responsibility anymore .

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 30/01/2022 21:48

I'm just not sure I'm doing my part for them by leaving it , but as has been said I don't really want him around them while he's like this anyway . Rock and a hard place ☹️

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 30/01/2022 21:53

I tried with my ex probably too hard. In the end i figured the younger the better. He gave up when my ds was 3.

I didn't lie i just said I don't know.

One thing i took a while to figure was that he had stopped listening in our marriage so was not going to listen once separated/ divorced..

I wouldn't call him. Let him come to you.

Original poster
sal1223 · 30/01/2022 22:00

This is what my friends and family are saying - don't contact him let him contact me .

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 30/01/2022 22:05

I'm glad he's staying away whilst 'not coping' it's the right thing to do- but zero contact whatsoever , no FaceTime or message to the kids - I think that's out of order

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 30/01/2022 22:50

I wouldn’t chase him, I promised myself I would not chase my ex for contact, he hasn’t seen our children in over a year now...

Original poster
sal1223 · 30/01/2022 23:18

@sal1223

I'm glad he's staying away whilst 'not coping' it's the right thing to do- but zero contact whatsoever , no FaceTime or message to the kids - I think that's out of order
I was thinking of txting this and replacing the end with 'it's too hard on them' . Gonna sleep on it see how I feel tomorrow
OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 31/01/2022 15:53

So txt that this morning , he's read it this afternoon and not replied so maybe that’ll be it now and we won’t hear from him , and I can say I tried and when kids ask to FaceTime him I can say I asked

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