unsupervised contact

[redpyjamas]

Hi! I am really worried about the safety of my children. Their father is am abusive man, who I managed to leave back in 2003.

He was abusive in every sense of the word, and I really feared for my life. He also threatened me with kitchen implements, and said often that he would take the children away from me.

Thankfully, he never physically abused the children. They were only 24 months and 3 months when I left. Although he did show signs of wanting to absolutely control them when they got old enough. (He said he'd threaten any boyfriends they may have. That they HAVE to go to University and study what he says. That they are not allowed friends to the house.)

He wanted to be in total control of all of us. He was violent to me when the baby was in my arms, and she accidentally got hurt (he was hitting me, and missed). He just put her down on the floor to cry and carried on with me, and then blamed me for provoking him.

He would purposefully try to start arguments, and then beat me for whatever response I tried to calm down the situation, and then twist it round and say that I had started a fight on purpose. Goodness, it is all coming back to me. Loads more.

He can pretend to be a very gentle and reasonable person, but when he has you secure, he changes.

Anyway, since we got away from him he moved back to his native Nigeria. He tried and tried to get in contact with me, but I point blank refused to deal with him in any way except through a solicitor. I knew that he would just get abusive, and I was scared to even hear his voice ever again. I must have received tens and tens of letters, some begging me and admitting fault, some escusing himself and telling me that it is my duty to go back to him, and some awful ones accusing me of being a prostitute and such like. I find that he he so apt to twist truths, and in fact it is almost a giveaway that he himself went to prostitutes even while we were still together.

Well, fast forward now. Since leaving, he has seen the children the grand total of twice (both times supervised at a contact centre) about a year apart. Latest time in June this year. Before that, he would frequently accuse me of stopping him from seeing them, but I was doing nothing of the sort. He was just not arranging contact, and was not even in the country. It is amazing how he is so deluded that he managed to blame others for things are so pointedly his doing.

Now, I have received a letter from his soicitor that he wants to come to England in January of February, and wants to take them out for the day.

I will definately say NO to this, as he is likely to take the children out of the country, and if they were in Nigeria, I don't know how I would get them back again. There is no residence order, as I could not obtain one as he lives abroad. I keep asking for one. I am not even sure that a residence order would help if he took them away out of the country. He has not got passports, but he has friends who make a living out of fraudulent activities, so I am certain that it would be a mere triflke for him to fake them.

If he took the matter further, might he be given leave to get them unsupervised? I am so scared of that, and I fear that a judge would not see through his calm and reasonable exterior, or believe that he would/could fake passports. I am literally willing to do anything to protect them from this, including move abroad myself. But the only country I could possibly move to is in Europe, and there are arangements between that country and England that could force me to return.

In case it is relevant, the twice he had contact in the centre: the first time he was an hour late for a two hour meeting (so only saw them for one hour), and the second time he chose to leave half an hour early. So, I know for sure that he is not terribly bothered about them. I think that, consistent with his erratic nature, he gets waves of strong feelings for them. But he could never give them the necessary attention and commitment on a day to day basis if he took them away from me. It would be a disaster for them. Disaster is an understatement.

Please advise, reassure or whatever you can...

these people www.reunite.org/ should be able to give you some advice. If there is a danger of the children being taken out of the country, it is easier to get some legal help, I think.

The foreign office has someone who deals with potential child abduction cases, I think , but they often refer you to Reunite.

I think you probably have a very good case for supervised contact. I recently went to court with my x as he wanted to see them alone and I only offered supervised contact, he has not seen them for two years is an alcholic and the last time he had them he was very neglectful, left them in the house as he went to the shops, children aged two and three, left the same nappy on the two yr old for the whole day and many other things. I had no proof of anything so it was basically my word against his. Court tried to get me to allow his father to supervise but he has a history of violence. I just kept putting my foot down and in the end it was agreed he was to see them a place similar to a contact centre but run by social workers who will closely monitor how he interacts with the children and record his punctuality etc to try and determine his commitment to the children. This is to run for ten weeks, at the end the sw will write a report about it that will be sent back to court. I have been told that if he screws this up that is it, it is his final chance. Perhaps something like this may work in your case. But your solictor should be able to advise you. If you have any proof of his violence, police reports, the letters he has sent you that will go in your favour. I hope everything works out ok.
My two ds see him at this place for the first time next week.

Thanks for your messages. 'Unfortunately' his behaviour at the contact centre was impeccable (apart from the arriving late/leaving early part). The children were happy to see him, but relieved to come home again at the same time.
My worry is that he might be on his best behaviour so often, that he gets a ruling in his favour. They might believe he has changed. I just know he is manipulative.
One thing on my side, though, is the infrequency of his visits to the UK.
Thanks for replying.

yes his time keeping is important espeacially him leaving early. The staff are well aware that people can appear to be good parents for just a few hours but they look for tell tale signs, and him leaving early is one huge sign post that he cant be arsed

Does he have parental responsibility - i.e. were you married and is he named on the birth certificate if the children were born after dec 2003?

• Due to your very real fear of the children being abducted from jurisdiction it would be appropriate to apply to court for a Prohibitive Steps Order (PSO). This can be done a C1 form. If you have a solicitor then get them to do it. If you are on legal aid then fine, otherwise it will cost £175 plus whatever the tapeworm, sorry, solicitor adds on top.

• IMHO you should be applying for a sole residence order. Dad hasn't really been around, he is in another country and isn't really likely to return is he? You apply for a sole res order on the same C1 form - you can apply for more than 1 order, so you will be applying for a sole res order, with a defined contact order if you want that at the moment for dad, and a PSO for the children not to be removed from jurisdiction.

Apply for passports for the children and have them lodged with your solicitor. Once a PSO is in place then the children can't be removed as once you inform the court/police of an attempt to removed from jurisdiction (remember jurisdiction is england and wales) then airports and seaports are alerted.

• IMHO dad will have very little chance of unsupervised contact due to the pattern of contact beforehand. It's appropriate under these circumstances that contact is at first supervised - and preferably by social services if you explain that you and the children have in the past been exposed to harrassment and domestic violence (be prepared to back this up if true).

Usually an order for supervised contact will probably be for 3-6 months followed by a review - this will allow dad to show commitment for consistent contact with the children. Supervised contact is usually only ordered when there are child welfare issues, as it seems there are here.

Nigeria to the best of my knowledge isn't a Hague convention signatory (which means there is arrangement for return of children removed from jurisdiction).

good luck.

PS I speak from experience of going through the family court system and getting a shared residence order for my daughter despite the ex trying to alienate and control her from seeing her loving dad. CAFCASS saw through it all thank god. Now I help other parents going through the same stuff as you do.

Thanks for the helpful info. I will look into all that.