Dd drifting away from me

[Veryunsettled]

That’s it really and it’s really upsetting me.
She’s 16 and her dad and I split up when she was 9. She’s had regular contact with her dad ever since. Her dad just lets her get on with things, no rules, asking questions, no consequences if she does anything wrong. I’m not super strict at all but do believe in DD being honest about what she’s doing, being polite and letting me know where’s she’s going and who with etc. After a recent incident where DD lied to me about something (and I was very upset with her - her dad wasn’t interested) I feel DD is preferring to be with her dad as she knows there are no consequences for anything there.
No point in talking to her dad about it as he’ll just say DDisn’t a little child anymore. I know she’s growing up and don’t want to restrict her unnecessarily but do believe in values and consequences due breaking trust, etc.
I’ve always tried to do my best for her and am excited about her growing up and her future. I just feel like I’m losing her now 😞
Any thoughts?

Meant to add while DD had seen her dad regularly, he has no interest /involvement in any school issues, friends, medical stuff and other normal parenting things. He also chose to move 1.5 hours from us so he could have a bigger house.

I've been in a similar situation and it really upset me at the time too. That's quite a few years ago and what I've found is that it all comes out in the wash and I wish I'd been more relaxed about it at the time. Now my DD is almost 30 and I've found that those values she learnt as a kid are the ones she lives her life by. Drifting to her Dad's could well be a rebellious blip or maybe there are some lessons your DD needs to learn at her Dad's? Just because you might not be able to see them right now doesn't mean there aren't useful lessons for her to learn there. Have faith in her and your hard work, it will be fine in the end!

Hi OP, sorry you're feeling like this - I can't imagine how it must effect you.

I've no first hand experience of this, but I wanted to give you an alternative perspective.

DP has split parents, they separated when he was 18 months. His mum was the one he lived with, but he saw his dad every other weekend and spent the holidays with him. His dad was much like your DDs dad, very relaxed, never involved with school/medical/discipline and let him do what he wanted pretty much. His mum was much like you, not so much the disciplinarian but believed in consequences, trust building and all the other parenting bits. DP openly admits that he clocked onto this during his teens and so favoured his dad in a sense, spent more and more time with him and eventually at 17 moved in with him and only saw his mum every few weekends.

Now at 29, DP realises that it was just him being a teen and basically wanting to do and get what he wanted with little to no consequences. We've two children together now and the respect he has for his mum is through the roof and he basis most of his parenting on how she raised him. He adores her, looks up to her and is very protective. His dad on the other hand never got out of the "not really interested in the important stuff" and makes little to no effort with him or his GC.

I just wanted to tell you that so you know that this is more than likely down to her being a teen, wanting what she wants and realising dad lets her get on with it. It is no reflection on you as a mum, and you're doing brilliantly by her. She will realise it eventually, but I think there's very limited you can do apart from continue to be her support and the loving mum you are.

Hugs xxx

@RoseMAR thank you so much 💐

@Springdafs thank you 😊

I had this with my DD. It is normal teenager behaviour when they want to do things before they’ve had enough experience to know how to handle things safely. But I didn’t have an off hand ex, making things more difficult.

When my DD was in sixth form and about 17, the things I worried about for her were drugs, drinking and boys. I tried to let her know that it was her safety I cared about not stopping her having fun. But that it’s very easy to get into difficult situations without meaning to at that age.

I didn’t give her carte blanche and still wanted to know where she was going, who she was with, plans to get home, and giving her money for an emergency taxi.

We had a deal that if ever things went pear-shaped and she felt unsafe, she could call whatever the time and I would come and get her. There would be no questions asked at the time. The next day we could discuss what had gone wrong, how she could keep herself safe next time etc.

She was very mature for her age but also headstrong. Iam sure she did stuff behind my back, but she’s over 20 now with a good job and a steady boyfriend.

As another poster said, if you’ve brought them up well, then the values they learnt from you as a child, become that small voice in their head - that hopefully keeps them out of harm.

@sleepymum50 thank you for your reply. I do hope that small voice will appear for my dd!

I wonder if I should have another chat with her about being able to talk to me about stuff. I don’t want her to feel like I’m dragging up the lie from a few weeks ago though. Maybe just let know know by dropping into conversations that she can tell me anything and I’ll always be there?

I'm sure she knows you're always there for her, it's just that she's going through the phase of knowing everything and everyone else knows nothing! I remember when I was a teenage girl and I was going through the sneaking out/lying about where I really was phase my mum caught me out. I got into a lot of trouble on the day, but after a few days my mum spoke about some rebellious bits she did and how her mum (my nan) reacted. She told me about times she got into trouble and she never told anyone which then lead onto a conversation about going to her whenever I'm worried about something or just want to have a chat.

Could you try that? Maybe speak to her about some times you got yourself into some trouble, or how you felt speaking to your mum and lead into reassuring her you're always there for her?

She'll realise one day how much you love her and how all the times you told her off were because you loved her. Especially if she becomes a mum herself - she'll be saying sorry all over again like i do to my mum!xx