I don’t think I can afford to be a single mum!

[TallulahHo]

Hello, first poster here!

I’ll get straight to the point...

I’m in a terrible relationship (15 years), I need to leave my OH and start to build a life of my own but I just can’t work it out financially.

There is a housing shortage where I live so I’d have to move a few miles away where the avg rental is £700-£900 pcm. I earn £40k per year and have 3 kids.

I know my OH would help out with kids but I can’t see how I’d make ends meet with rent, bills, car payments, fuel and food!!

Any advice, is it worth being miserable in a relationship just to be financially stable (but definitely not well off).

Hi, it might help people advise if you give a breakdown of your current/planned costs. It's not clear if you have to pay for childcare, for example. I earn a similar wage, have one child in full time nursery costing 700 per month and rent of 750. I manage to live comfortably and aim to save the child maintenance towards a house deposit. It'll be different with three kids, but I think it's manageable if you factor in child benefit and maintenance, and are on top of your budget each month.

We live on about that as a family of 4 🤷‍♀️. In fact its more than a lot of families . So you can do this!

Maybe list outgoings? Presumably if you spend a lot now it will be a lot of cutting back but people can help.

It is more than possible on 40k .

Same situation, can’t afford to be a single parent.

Been together 18 years. I’ve decided I’m sick of being ignored, feeling unloved and taken for granted, but I’m not leaving, my life is good and stable apart from those things so I’ve decided to meet a guy, in secret, you could call it an affair….but he doesn’t want me, and it’s tough if he doesn’t want anyone else to have me, shoukd have kept up his side of the deal then.

Yes I’m being selfish, yes I’m going to try and have my cake and eat it, so what, what’s the worst that can happen…he leaves? Doesn’t matter, I’d be in the same situation then so might as well try to have it all first if I’m going to end up with the same anyway.

I’m sick of being miserable!

Go through the numbers. Look at your out going. What can be cut. When my ex left I was left with £30k of debt he wasn't going to pay, 'because I got the house'. He also didn't pay child support.

It was really tight. There was no wiggle room at all but as the debts went down it got easier.

Our quality of life went through the floor. But as we adjusted we were happy.

If you have childcare costs you might get some help from universal credit. It is worth taking a look.

You will have child benefit and if he is a decent person child support.

It might not be what you have now but having a happy home is much more valuable

With regard to your last sentence - no it's absolutely not worth being miserable for imo.
Remember you'll get child maintenance, child benefit, 50% of assets from the split, and the chance to pick up a little second job if your ex has the children sometimes.

I earn roughly the same as you but have 2 kids but also a dog that is costing me a fortune! The past 2 years I've stayed in the family home paying a mortgage of £1500 per month. It's been tight but it can be done. We have no TV except for Netflix, phone contract is £8pcm, I sold my car and a got a much older one, I've sold kids old stuff (bikes, scooters) etc to find birthdays and Xmas. I cancelled my gym membership. I buy clothes second hand online for me and the kids (except shoes, them I get new). Before this I had a very comfortable life as ex earns over £120k a year so it took some getting used to. I thought the kids would hate it but actually they don't act about sky TV or day trips to theme parks. They recently told me their favourite day last year was when we went to the beach in the evening and they skateboarded along the sea front 🥰

@DaisyTheUnicorn

Then you’ll have more money. Two people earning £20,000 will take home more than one earning £40,000.

And even if one of you is the SAHP then your childcare doesn’t have to be paid for.

And it probably doesn’t need pointing out that £40,000 in Hartlepool goes further than £40,000 in Hampshire.

Really!? How rude. In our case no it's one real income, more people to feed. In the expensive south and not an uncommon income really. More than an average teacher/nurse etc.

My post was intended to reassure it can be done. Are you unaware this is around average for most families?

For the OP obviously if used to higher income it is a shock and will be a huge change but from the other side it can help to know it can be done. (Our income took a huge hit when I was unwell/and covid)

It can be done. Her rent isn't ridiculous.

What? Who is being rude?

Use entitled to, and fill it out as if you’re alone etc. You may be eligible for UC, depending on where you live, childcare costs etc.

Of course you can survive on that!

That's a very good income in the real world (not MN la-la land).

You may have to cut your cloth accordingly is it sounds like you are used to a big income.

But plenty of people raise kids on much less than that.

However plenty of people stay in bad marriages for the sake of money so it's up to you..

40I is like mega bucks to me. Three children is a lot of expense though. Would your partner pay maintenance as in the real world many do not. Or just a pittance. CMS may help but it isn't certain as you do hear a lot struggle getting enough maintenance.

I’m a single parent on less than that, however I live in an area where housing is slightly cheaper. What’s your current situation? Are you able to take equity out of the family home and get a mortgage? Or potentially ask DH to leave and you take on the family home until the kids leave home?
A solicitor will be able to advise you better.

That is more than the average wage! Make a budget and work out how much child support you are due. It will mean less money than now but divorce always does.

Is that rent for a bedroom each for the kids? Can you get a cheaper flat and they share? Or you have the box room and they share the master? Being away from an unhappy marriage would be better than having a room each etc. If you are trying to replicate your standard of living now it might be hard but if you are willing to “downgrade” then there will definitely be savings to be made. Good luck!!

Did you decide to leave in the end?

Enquire about child maintenance or anything else you can claim to supplement your income.
Do not downgrade to a shared bedroom house because the agro is not worth it!
You're entitled to be free of a shitty relationship I hope it works out.